Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

freedomssong · Member

Grocery Shopping/Alcohol Purchasing?

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep it simple. The alanon program says -- keep it simple, be open and honest, and check your motives.

Be open and honest with yourself (and your sponsor) when checking your motives. Have the conversation with your sponsor. You will have your answer. If you are completely open and honest with your motives behind not wanting to buy alcohol, then you will be able to establish your boundary.

This is a perfect example of where and how a sponsor can be so extremely valuable. Someone who knows you, knows your story, knows when you are story-telling, LOL, and so on. A sponsor can give you objectivity -- which really is what you are asking for here -- and also accountability, both, if that's what you want, need, etc.

Good luck.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Freedomssong -- I can relate to your question. I agree with Bo that checking our motives is so important -- and yet it's not simple or easy. I can just share my experience.

I too used to buy my husband's drink of choice when I went shopping -- and if it was on sale, I would buy several. I was being a good wife!! Then, I didn't know he was an alcoholic, and I was far away from having a program. Once alcohol started becoming a serious problem, I decided that I would not drink alcohol at home -- thinking this would somehow support him in quitting. My husband still drank. At one point he asked me to hide the alcohol in the house, because he was quitting -- and I thought that was a brilliant solution. As I found out later, he still drank.

Eventually, I realized that alcohol was causing the medical emergencies that were plaguing our life -- and I became so sick of alcohol that it traumatized me to even see a wine or liquor bottle, advertising, even something with a beer logo on it... so to protect myself, I did not buy it. But now, this was my boundary. It was to protect me. Not simple, not easy -- because alcohol is everywhere in our society. But at least I was clear on my motive -- protecting me, even though other people could go through life seeing and using alcohol every day. All I had to do was protect me.

My motives were not perfect, my detachment was not perfect -- but I was making progress, realizing little by little that the only person I could change was me. So I guess I'm saying I did what felt right to me, for my self-care. Even though my motives weren't 100% perfect, they were good enough.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Freetime, I respectfully disagree...I think your motives started out as they were what they were...but as you said, you made progress...and your motives ended up being authentic, about you, for you...and you said they ended up being about your self-care, and to protect you! It doesn't matter that he could get alcohol on his own, that you not buying didn't stop him from drinking (remember, it's not supposed to!!!), or whatever.

From my experience and my perspective...YOU DID GREAT!!! That's recovery. Starting out in one place, not healthy for example, and ending up in another place, being healthy. That's what I think you did. Your boundary initially was whatever it was. Your motives were whatever they were. But where did they and you end up?!?!?!? To protect you!!! That's authentic. That's just, sound, safe, healthy.

I don't know about anyone else...but for me...I would call your journey on that particular issue...A SUCCESS!!!

Thank you very much for sharing Freetime!!! I for one greatly appreciate it.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Freedomsong,

Welcome and big hugs, this is a tricky and touchy subject. I am very sorry that this is so confusing at the moment. Boundaries are difficult and the reality is while the end result is the same of what recovery can look like .. your recovery is up to you .. no one gets to tell you "how" to recover or what to do.

That being said what we can share is ESH which is what did and didn't work and you have the freedom (pardon the pun) to take what you like and leave the rest.

Stopping a current behavior is really hard, it feels uncomfortable and can be scary. I remember wrestling with some difficult things for me and one of the biggest challenges I had was learning I had a choice and my X had choices too. Each of us had consequences to those choices and some were not pretty or fun. To sit in that discomfort of the unknown is the worst, straight up am, I doing the right thing .. where's my crystal ball .. why is this so hard. I want to know the future so I can make the "right decision" now.

My best suggestion is to just keep coming back, read some Alanon Lit (How Alanon Works is wonderful and a Daily Reader) and listen to some stories on podcasts (you can google them under Alanon Recovery on YouTube). You may find some of what could work for you there or decide maybe what would be best would be to attend a face to face meeting. The bottom line is no one gets to tell you how to recover or anyone else for that matter because no one has all of the answers, they only have the answers that work for them.

For me not buying alcohol lead to my X getting another DUI which for us was a catalyst to getting a divorce .. that was one of many reasons we did .. that was the breaking point for me. Am I sorry I didn't buy the alcohol and he didn't get the DUI .. no. It helped get me to Alanon to figure out what my part in the situation was and how mired in the disease I was at the time it was awful is putting it mildly. I figured out where I caused my own pain, what was my business, what was God's business and so no. So no, for me not buying the alcohol was a blessing. In the moment that was the worst thing ever and OMG .. it took me a hot min to get past that DUI. I'm in a much better place now because of that DUI and thank God for Alanon because it helped me survive a very unreasonable situation and get back to me.

Hugs and welcome :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back Freedomsong! My sponsor was very helpful with boundary-setting, and helped me check my motives were for self-protection and not 'penalizing' another or trying to control another person, place or thing. My experience was easier as I had personal sobriety before the disease came to my home/kids/AH. When I got sober, I committed that I would never buy alcohol again. Not for me, or another. That was the easy part.

When my AH relapsed and then my 2 sons became active in the disease, my original boundary was already firm. I had to explore more boundaries, which came in the form of, this is a dry home, sober home, no alcohol allowed. As addictive people are manipulative, sneaky and more, I had to again refine my boundary to include illegal drugs/substances.

I have no doubt that consumption continued and stumbled upon evidence accidentally (bottles hidden in bushes, garage, shoes, etc.) I share just so you know that as time goes on, and more is revealed, there's never an issue with revisiting/modifying/adding boundaries. I will readily admit, and it wasn't a tough choice, while caring for my Covid positive parents in AZ, I purchased wine for my mother. My father was way sicker and affected/infected first and she was virtually impossible to keep away from him. She's an alcoholic with dementia, and old habits die hard. Any questions, issues, concerns, etc. that she has, she talks to him! They've been married 63 years, 85 years old.

I didn't just buy 1 bottle, I purchased 8 bottles in my two week stay. I did not feel it was my position, in the middle of a life-threatening viral pandemic to school my mother on the affects of excessive drinking. I was willing to do what was necessary, including enabling in this instance as they were restricting from leaving their rooms.

There is no right/wrong way to set boundaries, and as we evolve, often, so do they. There's no perfect way to 'do recovery' and I have no doubt that you will figure out what's best for you and yours!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

SerenityRUS, I love your share and your perspective. What amazing clarity and awareness you have, and how you express it just resonates with me. I found myself nodding my head, saying "yes" and smiling as I read your share/post! Thank you so much for sharing that. I greatly appreciate it!!!

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I would not say anything about the alcohol. I would say that I was cuttinh back on exoenses. Groceries have gone up with the pandemic I most ceetainly do not drink alcohol. I do not want to be around people who.abuse it. I would not say that to any of them either. For ne it is a given Trying to control how much the alcoholic drinks is one thing. Setting limits us another. When I was with the qualifier I went to stay in a motel for a week. I was tired of all the freeloaders stayjng at the apartment The qialifier tracked me down eventually. He oromised the freeloaders would be gone. Sure enough when I went home there they were. I had money then and could have moved out. Instead I caved The freeloader atayed for another year. Every weekend he took off with the qualifier. I stayed There is a saying in al anon. #Mean whar you say but don"t say it mean# I most certainly didnt mean what I said with the qualifier. That was me #volunteerng again# Maresie

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was with the alcoholic I ceased purchasing alcohol for him for my own sanity - I didn't want to contribute to his disease any more than I already was with my other sick behaviors. That said, he was more than capable of getting his own alcohol regardless - I knew that and accepted it.

As others mentioned, check your motives and discuss this with your sponsor who knows you and your backstory much better than any of us. She'll help you ask yourself the right questions to guide you to the decision that is right for you.

-- Edited by Aloha on Thursday 18th of June 2020 02:04:40 PM

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned a recovery thought when I was new to the program that stuck with me and was so very important. "My only problem is me and my only solution is God". So very many times I have proven that to myself until I reached the decisions and understanding on this post. (((hugs))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene