Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

OhLuvya · Member

Frustrated

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can certainly relate to feeling powerless I can also relate to having my focus completely someone else. Coming into al anon is always difficult. I think it is particularly hard when you cannot go to face to face meetings I have plenty of issues I have no control over. Right now I am focusing on #good# problems. That is paying bills. That is finding a therapist. Having those problems is associated with freedom I can of course focus on how difficult it is to deal with this pandemic, my cash flow issues (I have been waiting for a check for over a month) I also have good problems associated with my health. I am getting vaccinations. I have an uocoming mammogram. I can work on some dental work Focusing on what I #can# do is better for me. There are other good problems. I have learned how I do not make myself #ready# for other opportunities. I can be willing to be ready. I have certainly been there walking on eggshells around people. That took away from my ability to be #ready# Recently I had to move out because my apartment was being rennovated. I was by no means #ready# i had plenty of notice. I was still not ready. When I moved into this apartment I was by no means ready. I want to be able to make changes in my life. This time I am going to be #ready# Whatever your husband does in terms of meetings are you ready to deal with how you feel. When a significant other goes into sobriety even rehab that is a difficult time for somr people. Being ready to deal with that is another matter. I know this post pandemic world is going to be difficult for me. I have cash flow issues. I have to work more hours than I would like (I am grateful for the opportunity to work in this environment) i have a lot of balls in the air. I need to move forward I am glad you are reaching out for support. For me venting is very important. However when I reallly listen to myself in the venting I start to see really self destructive patterns. I may not be able to do anything about the person I am complaining about. I do have control over my own patterns of behavior. I have far more control over them than I thought Maresie

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember how -- frustrated, confused, angry, sad, unhappy, and more -- I was one time when my wife stopped drinking for 5 days (so I thought). I remember so vividly that "it" was decided she was going to rehab. It was decided? By who? I ask those questions today of myself, but I certainly didn't ask them back then. My wife too didn't pick a place. Not right away. Not at all. Not until she "had" to. But she tried every possible way of not doing so. She too didn't go to a meeting right away. Why not? She should. She "said" she was going to get help. She wanted me to be relieved, happy, that she was going to get help. She "agreed" to get help? She was going to?

After I found recovery, all of it became so clear to me. Today, I see it with a clarity like I see the back of my hand in front of my face. Thanks to the alanon program.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

OLL - It's perfectly OK to feel frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, etc. Whatever you feel is real! We speak around here that feelings are right and we have a right to our feelings. It's often our thinking that is faulty, or a bit insane, esp. with this disease in the home. There are no simple, fast solutions to relieve your pain or the disease. Time takes time.

I don't have any answers for your questions, and probably, neither does he. This disease has built in denial mechanisms and only God truly knows what's going on in his mind. The good news, is it really does not matter what he's thinking or doing - what matters is what you can do for you to find some relief/freedom from the insanity.

The pandemic has brought about tons of changes, and in my area, that does also include meetings for both AA & Al-Anon. It may or may not be reasonable that he can't go/get to a meeting until Sunday, he may not end up going at all. For me, I had to figure out a way to detach from what mine were doing (or not doing) - because when I began to ponder, it became obsession and then I lost myself again and again to the disease and the insanity it brings.

Simple things helped me - taking a walk, watching a TV show, reading a book, listening to music, exercise, etc. when meetings were not readily available. I also came here and posted, like you are, and reached out to others in recovery via the phone/text/other. Small efforts by me for me gave me courage to explore larger efforts by me for me, including a commitment to recovery and a return to serenity/sanity.

There were many days were just breathing and keeping my mouth closed were the solution. It is overwhelming and painful and just too much for us to handle alone. Hang in there, and know that there is hope and help in recovery.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Days without alcohol are something. One recovering alcoholic told me that once someone had been sober (or dry or whatever) then they know they have been able to do that One of my core issues is expectations. I really had a very very very hard time adjusting them. I felt entitled to my exoectations and they were totally unrealistic. My expectations trip.me up.all the time they are the reason for most of my resentments. I have to monitor my exoectations all the time. I felt absolutely betrayed when people told me to keeo them low. My exoectations around this oandemic for example are unrealistic. I keep expecting people to be on task. Some places lile state agencies have jusr gone completely awol. The.more realistic I can keep my expectations the better Your husband has just stopped drinkimg AA is a different proposition now because meetings are on line. Nevertheless there is a fellowship out there. Choosing a rehab is another matter in a pandemic. Of course I believe this pandemic complicates everything because I deal with it all day every day Rehab is a big step for an alcoholic in recovery. If you read the posts here about rehab you will know it brings another set of issues. My whole life did center on what my qualifier did next. I was akways dealing with disasters. I had tremendius resentment against him. Then I cane to alnanon i came here because I was desoerate. As I was desoerate I took suggestions. I was willimg because as they say#nothing changes# I found a lot of solace here. I was #heard# My qualifier never heard me one day in our relationship. Not one day. I am in an entirely different siace now. I am working actively on my self. Difficult times (,these last 6 months has heen a mightmare) bring insights that are a revelation. Some good comes out of the nightmares Maresie

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Early on, before recovery, before we start making progress, getting better, etc. -- it's confusing, it's frustrating, and so much more. However, the impact of living with an alcoholic, rather than being one, is a very different dynamic. Sure, you can it's an "addiction" and that's the same, or you can say, the recovery, the 12 steps are the same, and all that. However, that's just one person's opinion. I say it's not the same. I say it's very different. And that too is just an opinion.

That being the case, while whateveer we are feeling is real, it's also not always fact. Feelings are not often fact. Yes, it's a fact that we are feeling what we are feeling in that moment, but it may not be real, actual factual as they say. You ever see a little kid fall, maybe hard, and he gets up and there's a delay, he doesn't cry immediately, he's almost not sure if he is supposed to cry. Yes, different, but the point is that feelings are both a cause origin, and byproduct of perception. THere is "what happend" and there is "out story about what happened" -- and both can drive feelings.

There is no doubt that feeling frustrated, desperate, overwhelmed, angry,, and more is absolutely real. But, 6 months later, maybe 1 year later....the circumstances with the alcoholic might be the same. They may still be doing what they are doing. Perhaps nothing with them as changed. But now, perhaps you don't feel frustrated, or not as much, desperate or not every day, overwhelmed, but not drowning, angry, but only on occasion, and so on. Wait, the alcoholic is the same, doing the same, same same...what's changed? YOU HAVE!!! How do YOU get past the anger and resentment? Can YOU only do it if the OTHER PERSON changes? Of course not!!! You change.

My sponsor used to say alanon is a program of change...change in US only. Change in US...change in thinking, mindset, behavior, actions, reactions, feelings, philosophy, perspective, and more. It has nothing to do with the other person. Our recovery is independent of the other person.

As far as answers to the questions -- and these and so many more questions are so natural and normal to ask -- you cannot apply logic to an illogical person. I am sure many people have tried. How's that working for you? You cannot apply logic to an illogical disease. That's why no one has comes up with the answers already. What he's doing, saying, why he's not doing this, but he's doing that, and so on -- all of that is because the disease, and he, is baffling, illogical, cunning, enigmatic, confusing, perplexing, lacking any normalcy, insidious, and unfortunately decimating and devastating. While it's not easy for us to understand or react well to -- it doesn't matter why or how he's doing or saying what he's doing or saying. The more you try and figure it out, the more you will drive yourself crazy, the more frustrated you will get, the more overwhelmed and angry you will get...and so on! That's progressive as well, progressively worse that is, just like alcoholism!!!

I've heard it said that when an alcoholic doesn't go or want to go to a meeting...it doesn't matter what they say the reason is...the reason is...because they don't want to. Period. There are thousands of meetings a week now, online, all the time. I found a website that tells you the next upcoming meetings ALL OVER THE WORLD! How cool is that!!! If he wanted to go, he'd go. But, he doesn't. Maybe he will. Maybe he won't. I hope he does. But if he doesn't...that has nothing to do with what you decide to do. You can decide to get better. You can decide to get healthy.

Little by slowly...we can get healthy, we can get better. It is up to you. All the best!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene