Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Crmans · Veteran Member

Stuck

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Being around an active alcoholic is like being in a room with all the air sucked out of it full time I was staying with an active akcoholic for the past 4 months. I set a lot of boundaries I made a lot of rules for myself. His house was extraordinarily uncomfortable on so.many levels. Incredibly toxic My self care diminished rapidly I am in energency mode now setting it back. Be kind to yourself one is one hundred per cent phenomenal at boundaries I am glad you came back Maresie

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Crmans}}}. I have learned that I cannot expect logic, sensitivity, consistency, etc., from my A who is drinking on and off. Now I dont have a young child in the house. Your reasons for staying are probably very different from mine . But what I can say is that by the Grace of this program, I have learned to make my peace for myself. I also live half the week away, near my son and his family. We can be OK no matter what the A is doing. This has been no easy task and and I cannot do it perfectly. But I am happy/content much of the time. I resigned from the doormat club. I try not to engage in battleits just a wast of time and energy. I find beauty in many things, and Im grateful for my blessings. It takes a lot of focus and work. Keep coming back, Lyne

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cath))) - I am so, so sorry for the 'stuck' feeling - I can relate and I hear you! This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It reaches beyond the person drinking to affect others. You have every right to your anger, hurt, frustration, etc. I sense that you're reaching out because you're kind of tired of feeling as you do. I can't help you get unstuck yet can suggest that when I quit focusing on everyone and everything except me and instead focused on just me, things began to slowly change.

When my mind wondered to the past (even just the day before), I was often fueled by the events, frustrations and more of before. While the hurt is real, how long I hold onto that is my choice/decision. I do know that I was not able to find peace in my mind and heart until I let go, completely let go. I had to stop focusing on what others were doing, saying, not doing, not saying and come to realize I was a stand-alone person with a right to joy, peace and sanity. If I was bothered by another in any way, shape or form, I literally excused myself and left the room. I learned 2 places I would not be followed - the bathroom and the laundry room. If necessary, I left the house. I went for a walk, to the grocery store, to a meeting - anywhere - to begin the transformation of my own habits that contribute to the 'dance' we often talk about.

I learned to just bite my tongue so I would not unleash years of anger, rage, frustration, etc. at both the disease and the diseased! I often felt damned if I do and damned if I don't, so opted to act in a manner that worked for me, without conscience intent to hurt anyone else. I did not realize, until I began recovery, that I always had the choice to remove myself, take a walk, go to the bathroom, take a time-out, ask for time to process before a discussion, etc.

Most of us come to Al-Anon wanting to know how to cure our loved one(s). Most of us are in denial how affected we are. Most of us have trust issues, anger issues, resentments, etc. So many of us just want the drinking to stop and hope when it does, all will be well. Rarely does 'it' happen this way. It takes a long while for sanity to return, no matter if it's the A or the Al-Anoner.

And yes, it seems extremely selfish to 'us' that one who's been acting a fool and making poor choices for a long time wants acknowledgement of changes. After all, they should have been ............................................. for a long while now. What I decided to do as part of an effort to 'Let it Begin With Me' was act as if my guy(s) were a friend or coworker instead of my family. It just helped me be a bit more positive, a bit more professional and practice empathy instead of anger. I spent tons of time talking to/at/with my sponsor so that I would 'vent' and rage 'there' instead of in the home. I truly wanted a peaceful home too and became more than willing to do more than my fair share to try and make that happen.

We often say in recovery, "Would you rather be right or happy?" I opted for happy and continue to do so...My sponsor also made me put a Q-Tip in my pocket for several years each morning to remind me to Quit Taking It Personally - and I so needed this. A sideways glance, a curse word, a heavy sigh, a slammed door, etc. --- all of these events (in my mind) were directed at me!! It really never had anything to do with me - I have no real power over what anyone else does/says.

Lastly, my favorite sentence became, "You may be right." Nothing more, nothing less. It was a great short phrase that just allowed me to move along with some level of grace and dignity! I diligently made gratitude lists each day to remind myself of what was good instead of allowing my mind to focus on what was broken/not good.

I hope any of this helps! I'm sending prayers and peaceful vibes for you and your AH (and little one). Kids do make all this so much more challenging yet I just decided to practice the high road, for the sake of my kids and before too much time had passed, I preferred it! (((Hugs)))

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I completely understand being stuck. I was stuck -- paralyzed -- for almost 5 years. Been there, had many cups of coffee, breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, done that, went home and was still stuck. Listen, I've been in alanon -- not here, but the rooms of alanon -- for 26 years this month. Alanon has become a curriculum for living for me. I don't have to practice these principles in all my affairs -- it simply happens, because alanon is innate with me, inside of me, it's like breathing. That said, I don't judge what other people "share" -- not here, not inside the rooms of alanon. That said, each person's circumstances are different. Each person lives their own life. Each person decides what life they want to live. What I've found, in my real-world, practical application, every single day experience, is that it's easy to say "let go" and it's easy to say "detach" and it's easy to say "focus on yourself" and it's easy to say a hundred other things.

Try doing those things when you are in hell and being tortured by the devil. Try doing those things when you are being punched in the face and kicked in the gut every day. Try doing those things when you are suffering, from abuse, and who knows what else. Analogy of course. Go ahead, try it...and if it doesn't work...for me it was time to try something else. But relative. That was me. Did I find "solutions" and "answers" -- absolutely!!! But it wasn't always the simple, conceptual, esoteric "let go" or "detach" so called "wisdom" so to speak. You know what they say -- everyone has a plan...until they get punched in the face!!! Well, this disease punches the faces of family members and loved ones and has done so long before this website and will continue to do so long after this website.

There might be things you can't let go of. That is not wrong and it's not a poor or bad reflection on you. Not at all. Everyone draws their own line on unacceptable behavior. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and don't let anyone tell you what they do or did is "right" so to speak, regardless of who they are and what they "infer" from their "sharing". If you had to scream, you had to scream. You are entitled. Don't beat yourself up. Go gentle on yourself. Contrary to what anyone else may say, you feel what you feel, and feelings may or may not be facts. Work with your sponsor!!! Get someone who is with you, there for you, knows you, your story, and so on. This program was not designed to "go it alone" and if you are limited to online, chat rooms, BB's, and email to "do the work" and work with a sponsor...OK...all the best, and good luck. We each do what we can.

If you are drowning...tread water, paddle, and don't stop!!! Reach out for your sponsor. That's what they are there for. If you don't have one -- find one! Get one! Try, reach out, look, it's a tool, it's a resource, it's part of the program that is available to each and every single person who comes to alanon. Maybe not here, but certainly in alanon. It's easy to say "separate the person from the disease" and let go of what they are doing/saying, because it's not personal, they are not saying it to you. OK...do it for a month? Every single day? Multiple times a day? OK. 3 months? 6 months? One year? Five? If you "let it go" but didn't like it...being in denial 5 years later may not work for you. I don't know. If you turn the other cheek, OK, I get that. Is that what someone wants to do forever? My point -- there is more to it than just "letting go" and that's it for the rest of your life. One day at a time. Just for today. Hopefully the person gets better and gets healthy...and then is in a position to determine, make decisions, ask and answer questions, from a place of being happy and healthy, intellect, calmness, serenity, peace, stability, and more...and not from fear, duress, paralysis, emotions, what if's, anxiety, pressure, angst, unhealthy, denial, and more.

I for one, wish you all that you want out of each day...and life...one day at a time.

Crmans · Veteran Member

Thank you to everyone for your great responses. Bo. Thank you! I have struggled mightily with the let it go, detach, dont take it personally phrases. I understand the concepts in order to protect my peace, but day in & day out is exhausting. Like you said, its like being in Hell & getting hit by the Devil. If a friend treated me this way, Id never speak to them again. I dont want to settle. I dont want less than I deserve. I was in denial when I married him. I dont want to wake up at 70 years old & regret. My grandma shared with me, when she was about 75 years old, that she never truly felt loved. She had 5 daughters with her husband. And remarried after he passed. She never felt loved. Broke my heart. I dont have a sponsor yet. Our state is still pretty closed, but is starting to open back up. Tonights argument ended with him saying hes unhappy with me & has been the whole time. I said why stay with me then. He said, When I figure that out Ill let you know. How do you not take that personal? I had a counselor tell me once, if you kick a dog every time you open the crate, it will eventually bite you....then the dog gets blamed for being aggressive. That was in my first marriage. I married the same type of man this time. I am responsible for not healing myself first. I wouldve left the first time verbal abuse started. Everyones path is different. And I commend anyone who deals with this. I just cant see myself just being complacent to avoid fights. Not my DNA at all. Everyone here that shares & responds gives me so much to think about & reflect on. I was at a los point today. All the shares were just glimmers of hope,

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I find alcoholisn and addiction endemic to our culture. My family is mired in alcoholism. I know highly functional alcoholics. I know some who are homeless. The signs of who they are are not hecessarily that easy to pick up on My qualifier could morph into this sweet kind caring considerate #I cant do enougn for you# person to a sullen sulking dope fiend who moved in groups of drug fiends to our home (one would not be enough) Blaming ourselves for where we are is like beating ourselves up I have only now graduated to being able to say #No# when people put demands on me. I am only now after being in therapy for years and the program for over 10 able to say #No# Do I still have issues with alcoholics. Most certainly. I am still trying to deal with the last entanglement with an alcoholic. That was a catastrophic experience for me. For many reasons I still have to deal with him. That involvement is going to end soon. Initially it was going to end this month, now it will be longer. Is that my fault? No way I have other relationships I have to contend with. I have to switch doctors. I have had to.negotiate many things to get to.the bext steps All those nexr steps are lining up. After that ny involvement in many dysfunctional systems will be over Nothing happens overnight. Al anon has been an enormous help.to.me during these trying times. Incidentally the ex roommate lashed out at me when he had the opportunity. Do I take one word he says personally? Not for a second. What he thinks of me is none of my business. Maresie

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cath))) - your comment: I married the same type of man this time. I am responsible for not healing myself first. I can so relate to this, in a couple ways. I (unintentionally) went out of my way to select partners who were not available to me - emotionally, spiritually, maturity, etc. I was not aware that I attracted and selected 'wounded birds' and then I wondered why the relationships failed. The 2nd part is the answer, so your awareness is awesome! I had a lot of healing I needed to do to change me, which has led me to attracting and selection healthier people in my life.

I have never settled, nor chose complacency to 'survive'. That's not how recovery has worked for me. I have instead chosen my self-worth, self-esteem, sanity and serenity over arguing with another who has a disease which affects them (and me) physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

It took me time, looking @ me in recovery to realize the part I played in my life, situation, relationships, etc. Al-Anon does suggest we try to work the program and on ourselves for 6-12 months before making any major life changes/decisions, unless there's abuse. I am glad to hear that your area is opening up a bit and that hopefully you can soon attend meetings and find a sponsor + local support! The phone numbers I acquired when I first started where beyond helpful for me. I just had to do my part, pick up the phone and talk things out with one who truly understood and would not judge. Dialogues in my home were impossible and always ended up in knock-down, drag-out fights.

Time takes time. Recovery takes time. Healing takes time. What I've discovered is I rarely, if ever get what I want when I want it, but I do always have and get exactly what I need. When my wants and my needs were co-mingled, it led me to having unrealistic expectations, and I was continuously disappointed. Changing me has been a blessing and a huge gift of recovery, one day at a time.

Keep coming back - you are worth it!

Crmans · Veteran Member

IAH....thank you so much. Im really trying hard to focus on the things that make me feel whole. Eating right, Exercising, reading, alone time. Its hard. The proverbial weight on my shoulders is hard to maneuver sometimes, but I imagine with discipline Ill get better at it. I am worth it, just have to convince my entire being of that.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

You are worth it....I hear the struggle and just want you to know there is always hope. In Al-Anon, there are many suggestions and slogans that helped me - You don't have to attend every fight you're invited to, Don't pick up the rope, Don't go the hardware store for bread, etc. I truly thought they were silly at first yet each slogan, suggestion, etc. has made sense to me at some point in time!

At my home, when I stopped reacting, the dynamics changed. I can vividly recall my AH or my ASon coming into the room where I was watching TV and start - either ranting, complaining, blaming, shaming, etc. It took every ounce of energy in me to push Pause on the TV and just sit and let them do what they felt they needed to do. When they stopped, all I said was, "Are you done?" They would either continue or storm away, at which point, I unmuted the TV. It did get worse before it got better. When they realized I was no longer willing to do the dance, they moved on.

The next phase here was a rebuilding which is still in progress but improving. Each journey is different and each person must choose what works best for them. I truly felt when I got to recovery that I needed to bolt, divorce and move on. At the 6 month mark, I had doubts and the program suggests, When in Doubt, Don't. I felt those same doubts at the one year mark. Embracing recovery as best I can, and choosing to restore me to sanity no matter what anyone else I love/live with does, really helped me keep practicing self-care, putting me first, etc.

I love what you're doing - eating right, exercising, reading, etc. I agree that it's hard. My sponsor suggested that I was grieving the relationship I desired and that gave me cause to pause. As I considered it, she was right and I told her so. She then suggested that it is entirely possible that what unfolds next, if I just focus on me might be better than I ever projected/expected or anticipated. I thought she was nuts, but kept doing what was suggested. She was right again and I tell her so often. She asked me to write 3 positive things about my AH when we first began our journey together and it took me almost a week. I was so consumed with pain, anger and resentments over all the chaos, damage, etc. from this disease, I couldn't even find 3 things!!! At that point, she just had me start doing general gratitude lists which were also hard but helped change up my attitude and outlook a bit.

Just keep making small changes each day to be better to yourself. If you get time, the official Al-Anon website has more things to read/consider. They also have information on zoom meetings while we're all social distancing. There are also al-anon speakers on YouTube and other places that are helpful to listen to. You really aren't alone even if it feels like it - pop in here anytime and post....we do all understand! Keep coming back!

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I was recently oarless for 6 months. I stayed in the house of a friend who Inhave known for 20 years. His alcoholism had progressed. His home is now a shambles His alcoholism means he stays in bed at least 75% of the time I am pointing this out because I believe one of the things that we do not notice is if we are staying with an alcoholic we are essentially rudderless. Due to the COVID 19 lockdown the alcoholic was at home for months. In fact he was at home virtually 24/7 and made his presence known. Being at his house made me all too aware what it was I dealt with with the qualifier who I lived with for 8 years. One of his many many freeloader friends once cane in the house and shook me awake. I have never really processed what it was to deal with this complete denial of ny basic rights. I was supposed to stay wth my friend for 6 weeks it ended up being 4 plus months I am bringing this up because I think it is crucial to be compassionate with yourself I survived living with my friend. I found it incredibly draining. I am aware his alcoholism has look progressed. No matter what I did nothing to rescue him. I made thar choice when I saw the state of the house. I came close to rescuing once I pulled back from doing it I put the curtains up in my aoartment today. I wept because I finally have a place of respite. I have a lot to do in order to get my house together but I.have a chance to do it Everything in me wants to blow up the former roommmate. I want to sever all ties and never see him again. I have resisted doing that. Through gritted teeth I remain cordial with him. I want to really lay into him. I know where that will go. Working this program is difficult. Some people do better than others. I think it is crucial that we give ourselves a lot of credit Surviving relationships alone is an incredible improvement. Now that I am back home I can deal with small stressors. When my plate is too full there is no way I can counternance them Be kind to yourself be sure to post here and often. Give yourself a lot of credit for where you are. It takes tremendous courage to be in recovery Maresie

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Crmans, thank you again for your sharing. Your perspective resonates with me and I feel so connected to how you are feeling. Yes, concepts are important, they help us tremendously, and yes, they protect our peace. Where I struggled before recovery was that as much as I did, as healthy has I got, as much recovery as I had -- my "circumstances" -- meaning the world around me did not change. While my wife was still drinking, I became "OK" with it. Not that I was immune, able to ignore it, or anything like that -- but I was able to accept that what will be will be. No, it didn't mean that I accepted unacceptable behavior!!! But I got healthy so I COULD DETERMINE and have CLEAR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS as to what was and what wasn't unacceptable behavior! I was able to decide that, from a healthy place, because I was a healthy person!!! Yes, it was exhausting at times.

I didn't want to settle. I didn't want a "part-time" wonderful marriage. I didn't want a partner, a spouse, a best friend, who was "not drunk" part-time. But I was able to decide that because I got healthy. What one person finds OK, another may not. What one person may find ideal, another might find as settling, or tolerable. And so on.

I did not want to be in denial any longer. That was my goal. To have sound, normal, healthy thinking. To be able to think as a healthy person. No, I did not want to wake up at 50, 60, or 70 and have regrets, remorse, or anything of the like. I had a goal -- and I went through the process to arrive at my goal -- and I got there.

The program can tell us to not take it personally...but if you do...that's OK. To each their own. Everyone's situation is their own. Everyone's path is different, everyone's journey is different, and everyone's recovery is different. Just be you. Do the next right thing in front of you, for you, what's best for you, what's healthiest for you...and you decide what that is. No one else. I only know what worked for me...and it was the alanon program and steps. All the best!!!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

What is also resonating with me...put down the magnifying glass...and pick up the mirror.

Crmans · Veteran Member

Bo, I think thats what I was misunderstanding about Al-Anon for so long. Why do I have to change when the other person is so destructive???? Because, an unhealthy mind cannot make a healthy decision. It finally clicked a couple days ago. I can blame my AH for running me over & over with a proverbial truck. And yes, it hurts & its hard to move, but I have to move while I still can & get out of the way of the truck! I cant get healthy if I lay there getting run over! Its not my fault I got run over, but Im still strong enough to get out of the way. Even if I crawl out of the path, I have to move. I relate a lot to the injuries of the body in relation to injury of the mind & spirit. An injured body cant perform at peak ability. It needs rest, rehabilitation, physical therapy. So does the mind & spirit. And no one else can do it for you.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

That's common Crmans, very common. I wish I had $1 for every time I said "Why do I have to go to meetings, she's the one with the problem" or some sort of variation of that!!! Why did I have to change when she was the one "doing something/everything wrong!!!" You are so right.

I said that for the first 6 months when I came to alanon. When I first arrived, even after 6 months, for the first year I was still so focused on "the problem" and who was to blame -- HER!!! -- that my thinking was already corrupted. It was broken. Today, after I found recovery, have recovered, live a life of recovery -- and today I am better, healthy, and living a healthy, amazing life -- I know it's my responsibility, my job, my life, to live and for me to focus on what I need to do to be healthy. I look at me, my role, my contribution...what's my business and what is not. I stay on, look at, focus on, and sweep, clean and mind MY SIDE OF THE STREET!

I love the way you explained it Crmans!!! Thank you for your perspective.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Desperation was the only reason I was willimg to take the suggestions. I did it my way with the qualifier. I have not spoken to the qualifier for almosf 10 years. Last time I spoke to him I out my ohone on air plane mode so he could not even leave a message. He couldnt even call. Nevertheless he called and left a text message after years. Nice try. I am no longer interested in chaos. I do not bite anymore. These days I have no time for people like him whose whole life is one chaos issue after another. I know he burned everyone out where he was at. Now he is back. Nice try. I have nothing left to say to him. Not even a hallo. I am working realiy hard not to unvite chaos into my life anymore. This COVID stuff has been really hard for me. Really difficult getting anything done is next to impossible. I have enough problems. I do not need any more. I am at my limit witn the trying to get blood out of a stone. Why invite in even more frustration. I always had plenty on my plate When I met the qualifier he could not do enough for me. The second he stopped that I should have been ready. Nope I went into hyperdrive trying to get the person back who could not do enough for me. I stayed for another 8 years. I crawled outta there. I do not have thaf kind of catastrophe in me anymore Now I still have plenty on my plate. I try to focus exclusively on what is on my plate. Keeping up with that is hard. I do not have any pressing deadlines. It is still hard. My health crisis is over. I have money in the bank. Life is still hard . Plenty hard without someone adding to my burdens. I invited them in and then I did not leave. Then I went back for more time and again over and over Getting to a point where this plate is not so full is one of my goals. All day every day how can I make my life easier. I do not entertain bringing people in who make my life harder. Why would I. Seeing that I invited them in is a revelation. My ex roommate made my life really hard. He had burned the bridge with me. He is not going to get the opportunity to do that again. I have to tie up some stuff with him and that is taking longer than I want. But that is my goal. Then this 20 year relationshio is over. There are ways to make it over without having world war 3. I cannot wait for it to be over. The chaos and the #drama# have much kess charge for me today. Letting go is no longer like having a limb amputated. My current doctor gave me a hard time during my illness. I had to stand on my head to get things done (this Covid stuff is a nightmare). That took too much energy that I did not need to exoend I am switching doctors. I am not doing it overnight and certainly I am going to another practice in the long term. My life is hard. I no longer willing to be standing on my head day in day out. That is no longer my life style. I am no longer on the bandwidth of taking on huge problems. Within a month or two of meeting my qualifier he had huge problems. He had all kinds of peoole freeloading and staying at the apartment One person was particularly predatory and he was an absolute nightmare for years. Everyone was #prey# to him. He left chaos everywhere. People like him no longer get a look in from me. I gave them years of my time and energy before. Years of it. Give them a boundary they demolish it that is their way of life. I steer way clear of them. I have a navigation system now. I had all the red flags flopping in the wind. These days one red flag is enough for me. I make adjustments. I make exit plans. My only exit in the past was to crawl outta there When I meet people and they have crises i have a lot of compassion. At the same time I am able to reflect on that I only have so much room these days my plate is full. I no longer rush into relationshios. I want to for sure i have all the impulses. I do not act on them. I sit on them. Before I came to al anon there was not much self presevation. Now i build it every day. I build boumdaries. I build goals. I build structure. I build a path out not a path back into chaos. The invitation is getting cancelled I also build tenacity. The ex qualifier did not destroy me. The ex roommate did not destroy me. I am more resilient than I think. I rose up from the ashes. I also really believe I deserve better. I deserve more. I am better. I do not think I had that belief before. Now I do. Maresie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene