The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about grieving. The writer describes that as a result of growing up in an alcoholic family, he/she rarely cried. In fact, all feelings were shut off and difficult to express in general. One result of going to Alanon was realizing that grieving was not a sign of weakness, but of strength. Expressing the pain that comes with grief makes room for healing and allows for new strength. Grief is a tangible expression of the connection we feel to people or relationships we have lost.
I heard part of a radio program dealing with grieving as the result of death of a loved one. One guest on the show was wondering about grief as she was nearly 40 years old and had not yet experienced the loss of someone she felt very close to. The host explained that there was a faulty assumption that people who had experienced loss before might somehow have an easier time dealing with grief. The host explained that each new loss can feel as painful as the first.
Like many others, my instinct with loss was always to try and get past it. I didnt want to feel the loss; I just wanted to get through it! Thinking of grief as a connection to the loss helps me to change the connotation of grief from something sad and negative to something that may bring me strength. I have noticed that in the almost 4 years since the loss of my mother, the instinct for my kids is to talk about her in the present tense. Its something we all continue to do. I have overheard them and think about the present tense keeping her presence.
I had not considered that I would grieve the loss of my marriage, since I was the one who instigated the split. It has been a work in progress for me to allow myself the room to feel this loss.
I have also learned about grief from friends and other family who have suffered the unfathomable loss of a child. I know there are many ways to grieve, it is endless and can take many forms.
I appreciate the thought for the day and hope it will be helpful to anyone who has experienced or is experiencing a loss:
The feeling of grief cant be an affirmation of forgiveness and reconnection.
Good morning, Mary, and thank you so much for your service!! I hope this Sunday finds you healthy in mind and body!
I love that I can connect to the Daily shares! It is very rare when someone does this service and I cannot get something out of it!! Today is no different. I am a very, very emotional person. I grew up with tears at the ready! I could also tend towards the melancholy, so tears helped me to flush those feeling from my system. However, I do remember the tears angering my father. I do vaguely remember the phrase, "You want me to give you something to REALLY cry about?" It was never followed through with, but probably because that shut me up. I probably have yet to reconcile that memory with the loving father I now have, and had most of my life. Perhaps he was drinking then? Don't know... it is a very early memory. The tears are so quick to come for me, that even my husband (before addiction) would tease me about it!! But of course,I denied my feelings about that. He wasn't really making fun of me... it was just "teasing." Today, my emotions will go to tears when I am especially frustrated and my voice cannot be heard. That is a source of negative feelings for me, as a woman can be thought of as weak or manipulative if she cries.
Grieving can involve tears. But it can also exist without any tears, or theatrics. It is something everyone does differently. I didn't know that I was grieving my marriage, the loss of my life-partner... the man I knew... until someone on this board pointed it out to me! I too, instigated the separation/divorce, and I was finally working my way to a more peaceful life... why would I have these emotions??? Because I had to move through the stages of GRIEF of the marriage. Simple. But not simple.
Yesterday I promoted peace and kindness by making personal hand-sanitizers for my immediate neighbors with a card that said I appreciated them for the kindness they have shown my parents or myself and my son, and that I valued them as good neighbors. It really brought Joy into my heart!!
Bright and sunny here today. Going to check in with my sponsor, and then attend to the needs of my cottage. Enjoy your Sunday!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
So much strength from others who have been where we are walking. Looking at the melancholy that I go through from time to time, specifically in relation to the marriage that ended as grief is very helpful!
it sounds like you have wonderful neighbors, and so do they :)
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily! Love the ESH and shares above me....PnP - my dad used to say that as well - it made my chuckle a bit simply because I found it so contrary to the reality at the time and still do now. It's like when I'm looking for something that's lost....the first question most ask is, "Where do you last remember seeing it?" I just want to jump up and down and say, "If I knew that, it would NOT BE LOST!"
I was raised to not cry or if it must happen, do it privately. Probably because it was considered weakness in my family and being the youngest and only girl, I was teased when I did. So, I am very private with my tears. Mostly come when I am grieving but I am finding out tears of joy exist as well as just utter exhaustion/fear. I have shed more tears in the last 6 months than I can remember doing so in a long, long while and am accepting that it just is what it is.
I've lost my golden gal cousin, my lovely friend here, Betty, my beautiful, never to be replaced sweet dog, Layla, 2 program friends to cancer, 3 other friends to suicide...add these losses to the pandemic, both my parents contracting the virus, cross-country driving alone to care for them, exposure for extended time and a part of me wonders how I'm still standing. The sane, stronger part of me knows it's all because I do have faith in a power greater than I who carries me when I need to be carried and leads me, one day at a time, always.
I am grateful that recovery has taught me that while my feelings are real and experiencing them is healthy, I don't have to let them control my actions. I can feel my feelings and still be grateful. I can feel my feelings and still be of service. I can be in grief and still laugh at a good joke. I can get to the other side and feel blessed to have know them, experienced them, loved them, learned from them and find gratitude and hope that they are in a better place.
One of the suicides was a 91 years old friend of my parents, who are both 85. My mother has dementia so not sure if it's true, but she was really, really torn up about this loss and said she'd never lost a friend to suicide. A part of me was in awe that this was her first, a part of me wondered if she has and just doesn't remember and another part of me wished I could say that/have that experience. It was just another reveal that gave me cause to pause.
Honoring my feelings is a part of self-care to me. Detours around pain, grief, trauma, etc. have never served me well. Facing life on life's terms is not always easy but does serve me better than trying to stuff things, deny things, etc. So, so grateful for recovery and the many tools we are gifted with. It was hot, hot, hot here again today - off to golf early, followed by a nap. We have one may day of excessive heat and then a reprieve! I'm looking forward to a bit of window weather later in the week! Love and light to all - hope your Sunday was awesome!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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