Great work on your behalf for letting go of what does not serve you any longer.

I find that the longer i work my own program, the less inclined I am to try to figure out my AD's journey. Of course, on occasion, I still do wonder why this all happened, but I have accepted that there is no answer that will satisfy me. It was her journey, although clearly not the one I would have chosen for her. Her life turned out nothing like I had envisioned when she was a little girl.

Now though, I can see the gifts it brought to her development as a person. Being young, attractive and now successful in her chosen career, I see her influencing and quietly mentoring other people of similar age. Breaking the pre conceived notions that an alcoholic is a falling down dirty old man or woman in the back alley with no home.

Over the last couple of years, I have seen tremendous . positive growth, and that included her going to therapy of her choosing. What she uncovered there, or what transpired, I have no idea, but each and every day I am thankful for her growth along with my own improvement in staying in my lane.

(((Twinkies))) - good to see you and love the share! I always get more hopeful when I see anybody else working recovery - that is how it all works - ESH leads to more growth and so forth. The chicken/egg question has been asked by me about me (and others) for a long, long while. I can tell you that, like almost every other element of my journey, the answer has evolved over time.

I got sober more than 32 years ago. I was quite young yet already hit a very hard, fast, solid bottom - had I continued, I would have died. I had no knowledge of my family's history with this disease, so just assumed I was different, had the disease, did not know where it came from, etc. I accepted what was presented at the time. I would have/could have sworn that the substance abuse was the 'source' of my various maladies.

As always happens, and we hear in recovery, more was revealed. Neither of my parents shared that they both had an alcoholic father. I heard from other/extended family members. My father's father was a drunk when he was little and they often went without because he'd blow the paycheck at the bar if he was not 'stopped'. My mother's father was a late-stage/age drunk who found comfort in the bottle after all the kids left the house, and he was 'stuck' at home with emphysema attached to an oxygen tank. So, I felt that at least there was now a genetic component for me.

Yet again, more was revealed. As I began my Al-Anon journey, and heard about ACoA and continued step work, I realized that both of my parents are untreated ACoA. As I know more now, it makes perfect sense where I inherited much of my anxiety, worry, chase of perfection, lack of acceptance, etc. Which brought about more self-assessment and while I still do not know and may never know why, for as long as I can recall, I did not feel comfortable in my own skin. Not with my family, not with my friends, anyone - I felt like an anxious, perpetual chameleon with no true authenticity or 'normal'. The first time I felt the affects of alcohol, it all made sense, I felt comfortable and it gave me what I always thought I needed, confidence, assurance and the ability to relax.

I never looked back and did not go a single day without some mind/mood altering substance until I landed in treatment. The awareness that I might/probably had high levels of anxiety ever before consumption came after years and years of reflection, step work, etc. I truly do believe that more is revealed as we continue our journey. In the last 10 years, I've learned of more alcoholism in the family, back another couple generations and some sideways action, which also included some scandal, suicide, other mental health, etc. My parents are old-school who don't really believe in counseling/therapy. They kept secrets long and deep, most likely thinking they could 'wish away' the genetic diseases. We all know better today, they did not and I do not fault them for it. I know what I know because others were willing to share, not my parents.

So, a long, long answer with some history you may not desire! My share is so that as you and your husband move forward in your journey, some answers may just be unknowns until they are known! If I had known then what I know now, I would have 'been on guard' for the disease. I seriously do not think it would have made a bit of difference for my journey but I can still change the things I can. I've put together a full medical history as far back as I can for my boys. They now know the various diseases that have affected/afflicted previous relatives and can make informed decisions. I know who had alcoholism, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, Crohn's, etc. We are truly strong stock yet have some genetics worth knowing about.

My marriage has unfolded similar to yours. My husband did make some poor choices along the way and did not return to AA (where we met/married), which I came to accept. As time goes by, he changes and responds to the changes I've made. I have found most of it to be positive and am grateful and humble enough now to let him have his journey without my input, unless asked. I'm sending positive thoughts/prayers to you both - keep doing what you're doing --- it's looking really, really good on you!

It's amazing that you are focusing on you, BUT at the same time, you are recognizing the impact the other person, their behavior, and their illness, etc., has on you. Sure, detach, let go, etc. -- all of that works, but in the context of ourselves. Letting go is great, conceptually, is great. But not in every scenario. Sometimes it takes more.

While alanon teaches how to cope and navigate a relationship with the alcoholic, addict, unhealthy, etc., person -- there is still the "anxious" we feel, or the "frustrated" we get. Through the alanon program, and recovery -- as we get better and healthy -- we are able to find a peace, serenity, and more. Many people -- especially beginners/newcomers don't understand that as it's a completely foreign concept to them -- begin to achieve a capability, a know how, which allows them to disentangle themselves from the alcoholic and what their drinking causes (drama, chaos, turmoil, havoc, stress, tension, confrontation, uneasiness, and so much more. But, at the end of the day -- unless the alcoholic finds recovery -- the alcoholic is still drinking. That in and of itself may lead to a place where life might not work for us. To each their own of course.

When I finally let go -- really let go -- life was fine for me. I was able to diffuse whatever happened in my home. But, my wife was still drinking. What happened is that I became at peace with that. It -- her drinking -- did not ruin my day, night, week, weekend, or life!!! But she was still drinking. Life became easier. While I accepted that what will be will be -- it was also my responsibility, to me, for me, to understand that nothing changes if nothing changes. I lived a life that -- I did NOT have to accept unacceptable behavior. That was happening because of her drinking. But, I was OK with that. Again, none of this ruined my life. It was up to me to decide whether or not I wanted to live that kind of life.

While I didn't make excuses for her -- I focused on me. One can be protected from things, but those things can still have consequences.

The program is there for us. One day at a time.

Thanks again for sharing Twinkies!!! I for one greatly appreciate it!!!

It has long been said that...you can very easily tell the newcomers/beginners from the seasoned people...the healthy people from the unhealthy people...and the people who have found recovery from the people who have not found recovery...

The newcomers/beginners, the unhealthy people, and the people who have not found recovery...spend 95% of the time talking about and focusing on "the other person" (their qualifier).

The seasoned people, the healthy people, and the people who have found recovery...spend 95% of the time talking about themselves and what they do on a day to to day basis to live, to be, and to maintain being healthy. They know they are their own qualifier.

Put down the magnifying glass...and pick up the mirror.

'Nuff said. LOL.

Absolutely PaP!!! Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more!

I didn't view my stuff as "wrongs" per se, but I did get the slogan, "Helping Is Hurting" -- at least the helping I was doing. When I wasn't trying to control, fix, etc. -- what I was doing, I was doing from a place of love and caring. My intentions may have been true, valid, just, but I was hurting the overall situation. Who could ever see that on day one, LOL.

As I've long said...contrary to what I feel many believe...it's not a destination...it's a journey. Thanks!