The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author reflects on one of the diversions alcoholics sometimes use to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking: creating diversions by accusing or provoking. Often, those who are living with the impact of alcoholism tend to react, to argue, to defend themselves. As a result, no one has to look at the alcoholism - we are all too busy focusing on whatever pojnt is being argued. Unfortunately, what we defend against becomes real.
In step one, we admit that we are powerless over the disease. Defending ourselves, engaging in arguments with irrational people, these things are useless. A power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
Today's Reminder: I am responsible for taking the actions necessary to keep myself safe. But when my safety is not at risk, I can take time to make choices about my responses. I don't have to react instantly to provocation, and I am not obligated to justify myself to anyone. By turning to my Higher Power for protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense.
Today's Quote: "Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was necessary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves." Alanon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions.
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What a great reading for today! I am well acquainted with the games of deception, argumentation, diversion. So much so, that I really had to spend a lot of time journalling at the beginning of my program to figure out who I was and what I thought. I got confused about myself after arguing for years about diversions and distractions. I made true (or at least, made a topic) the accusations and diversions that were masking the disease. Even today, well into my wife's recovery journey and my own program work, I still find her bringing up diversions and accusations. Today, I chose not to engage when those topics come up, unless I decide they have become too powerful and need to be addressed. But, either way, it is a choice, and I not longer have a distorted image of myself based on the deceptions, distractions, and accusations. For me, this is another significant benefit to working the Al-Anon program - I can now recognize my truth and stand by it. I do not waver from my view of myself based on diversion arguments.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
My qualifier had many great diversions. He brought people into the house let them use the yard and stay for unlimited times.
Then he had his mother who he was totally fused with (as was his younger brother).
The list was endless. He was extremely skilled at making diversions
I was a foil and demonized regularly. All those people who stayed at the house and ate all the food were good, I was bad for resenting these invasions.
I suffered through that for years and years. He never stopped with the diversions
His drug addiction was paramount in his life. That addiction, particularly to weed was completely obvious when I met him. I believe everyone who I have been involved with had an addiction that was completely apparent when I.met them. They certainky are in hindsight
If I know someone with an addiction today I work really hard to have little to nothing to do with them. I go out of my way to distance myself. That was not a self perservation model I had before. I had so few self preservation models before al anon.
I.recently endured 4 months of dealing with a roommate whoss alcoholism has progresses alarmingly. When I.chose to go to his home I.thought I could manage it. Indeed I did manage it but it was at great cost. Remaining on good terns with him has been something I could not have accomplished before. I am going to be seeking to.distance myself in the very ear future in matter of weeks. I know where his life is going
I am far more self preserving these days thanks to al anon but I.have more work to do. I need a less chaotic way of managing my life and I have reached a limit with dealing with diversions.
Maresie
Thanks Skorpi for your service and both above shares. I am so well acquainted with the alcoholic dance and have been sucked in more times than I care to admit. During the last month or so my A was inviting me to dance and I got engaged into battle. A set back for me, but I have rallied. When I hear her speaking in a passive-aggressive manner, or provoking, I am able to step back. I tell her she is speaking alcoholic nonsense and I have not gotten involved. I call it what it is and walk away. Safety first, right? Same as for the virus! Lyne
Oh, today's reading/share actually made me cry!! It was so concise, that it brought me back into that madness - all the negative feels came back. Thank my HP that I now have a program that can help me!! I think one of the best things I learned was that it was OK to not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain!!!!
I lived in a constant state of having to feel like I needed to do one of those!! It took me awhile to realize there was another way!
In fact, I just used this acronym with my young adult son the other day!! Passing along the goodness!
Happy Hump Day! Hope you all make it a good one!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Skorpi, thank you for today's reading. It hits home for me.
When living with an alcoholic, I realized that when drinking he would become argumentative. Was it to deflect from the drinking, or did he really believe the things he was saying? I'll never know, and thanks to the program, I understand that I don't need to know.
The problem for me was that I had no idea how to respond. I knew not to argue back, because that wasn't my personality, but I didn't know that I could just walk away, or that I could make a short true statement and then walk away. I didn't know I could have a Plan B to avoid or get away from the situation. Now I know that.
So grateful to the program for giving me this new knowledge that I can carry forward with me.
Thanks Freetime for the response. For me it is positive and I remember being led to other responses myself rather than the ones caught in my head and history. I had "Hey can I do that too reactions"? after listening to others in the program cite what you have done. "I can just walk away!!?" Yeppers and I did and then looked for other things to do during the time that I saved me. Courage to Change...Of course now I get it. (((((hugs)))))
Locally, some shacks were nicely kept- with pretty gardens, but ours was not. I recall our dad's parting words one afternoon- as he departed out the front door: "No wonder i have to go to the pub! Just look at this bl#### place!"
Not sure, then if i could see through that statement. The bare irony of it. It may have been another source of shame?
But today- in the here and now I see that for what it is. This was my role model, and supposed to be a friend and mentor- some hope!
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. It is this dance that would happen in my home that led me to most of my insanity from this disease. I literally felt like my head was spinning and I unintentionally added gas to the fires by JADE'ing. I too absolutely love that tool - choosing not to JADE! I also love pausing to pray before I proceed as it's just enough action to help me respond instead of react. Iris - I can relate to your share. It is the pain I felt from my own behaviors that led me to the most growth in recovery! I just didn't want to be a part of the problem any longer! Change did not come easily nor did it come super fast yet with each 'event', I kept practicing different choices and that's led me forward.
I am grateful that I also let go of perfection and just focused on progress! I am expected to fall down as I'm perfectly imperfect. Getting back up and trying to be/do better is all that is asked of me. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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