The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As today is Mothers Day, and I have a grown son, I am thinking of the challenge it was raising him. I was married to an A and had my son when I was 21. I had NO recovery whatsoever, and as you can imagine, many mistakes were made. There are two blessings however. The first is that a wonderful therapist in recovery himself, taught me to forgive myself. I did the best I could with what had been given to me. The second blessing is that my son forgives me. We have had many rough times, more than I care to remember, but so far we have survived the war. We have a solid, close relationship. I am grateful. Lyne
Happy Mother's Day, Lyne! I can relate -- I have grown children -- and I too am grateful to have a good relationship with them. The hard times I went through, and the help from various resources including Al-Anon, helped me let go of what I needed to let go of. I think the kids feel free to communicate with me, because I try to THINK before speaking. Still working on forgiving myself for my imperfections -- but I just might get there.
There are no guide books. We do the best with what we have. Al-Anon has proven to be a great tool for me to interact in a healthful manner towards my young adult kid!!
Forever grateful to have found a better way!
Stay healthy all!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Still in the trenches this end. Four son's and two daughters, two grown and estranged by way of PAS;it happens to women too. Reflections on motherhood for me is to cut right to the core of what it is be a woman whether a woman who physically produced offspring or a woman who did not, for whatever reason.
Become a mother and you will unavoidably be confronted with everyone's assumptions, personally, societally, privately and publicly, of what is expected of you (just because you are) as a woman. It's not for the feint hearted. As a product of the family disease, my daughters mean everything to me in a different way to my sons. Males have been revered ( and frankly in my view coddled to an extent that does them absolutely no favors) in my family, and I love my boys but my girls are just a different ball game because I know the rules, tricks and referee's weaknesses. They get everything I feel I didn't. I want them to not have to waste time and life on the afflictions common to certain social classes. I suppose motherhood to me is like a career with KPI's but no financial bonuses hahaha!
Happy mother's day all. Here's to breaking cycles.
Happy Mother's Day to all and thank you for the shares. I have been visiting with my mother today. Although she's no longer with me, she is in spirit. In later years, I lived far away from her, visited infrequently due to expense and work commitments. We wrote and phoned weekly and I am glad I kept her letters. It is my practice when I'm feeling a bit lost or alone to reach into that box and take one of her letters and visit with her. I am missing her on this special day. So, this morning I settled into my favorite chair with fresh coffee and dug deep into that box of letters from my mom and pulled out a letter. I didn't notice the date on the envelope but the date was my parents wedding anniversary. It would have been their 55th. My father had died two years before. My mom mentioned the anniversary in her letter and that she felt a little sad. She said she had a hair appointment because her seniors meeting was on Monday and remarked, "That will take up a few hours of my day." She closed the letter by saying, "Stay well. Be content with whatever life gives you. And count the good things." Thanks hp, you're so loving and always give me what I need. Thanks for letting me share memories of my beautiful mother with you. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
motherhood to me is like a career with KPI's but no financial bonuses hahaha!
{{{a4l}}}} I know what you mean! I have heard it said that motherhood is a 24/7/365 job with no vacations, where you give everything you have, and the only thing you wish for is that you could give more
TT - I loved your share. It touched me deeply.
I wish I had letters so that I may do this when my mom passes. She wasn't one for writing, and we have always lived fairly close. Now her and I both see her memory leaving at an incredibly accelerated rate. It worries me. She is so consumed over my father's heart condition, that she doesn't even want to address it. I know I have limited time... I used to think I had all the time in the world! I am making a conscience effort to not only spend more time with her, but to be patient and kind in my words (my father is incredibly impatient with her memory loss).
Perhaps now that my father is relatively stable, I can bring the subject of getting looked at for Alzheimer's up. Still, I feel blessed that I could share yesterday with her!
I hope that relaxing in that chair, reading your mother's words gave you peace.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you (((Pnp)) It does help me a bit to read my mother's letters because like many people I have times when I think I could have done more for her now that she's gone. Her letters express her appreciation and love. She also includes details concerning her health that may be of value to me personally going forward. Additionally, it presents a timeline of events and my sibling's part in my mom's well-being through the years. The good things they did. It's easy forget that as you watch someone progress in their disease. I'm grateful for the reminders.
I think it's great that you have the awareness you do, are patient and choosing to spend as much time as you can with your mother. I wish I'd flown home more often to visit. But there was a lot of communication by phone and mail. My letters to her were far more detailed than typical. It was a way of really bringing her into my day to day life since I was at a distance. I know some people who have created memory books with their elderly parents by chronicling their life stories in their own words.
You're lucky to live close enough to help and love your parents through this. Your dad may have fears. You know .. he may feel he didn't "sign up for this." He may be secretly grieving what the two of them have been together, not reached a place of acceptance of what is today. It might come out sideways as impatience. I hope your conversation with your dad concerning you mom goes well. We're lucky to have a program that helps us to find the courage and solutions. It's shown us we can ask for the support we need and be supportive of others without compromising their dignity.
Honesty, openess, willingness. For me, this is a program for "life," not just to be practiced in the rooms of Alanon. Year back I had a tough conversation with my mother. Her best friend had died and between my sibling and the woman's dau, it had been decided that my mother didn't need to know that information, it would just hurt her. Her friend had gone off to live with her dau. My mother had been wondering why her friend was not returning her calls. Her friend had been ill and my mother assumed she just wasn't up for talking on the phone yet she missed her. When my sibling told me the woman died and the plan for keeping it from my mother, I just listened. When we got off the phone I called her. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do but I felt she had a right to know. they'd been friends and neighbors forty years. My mother wept. I felt helpless. I comforted her, offered to make arrangements for flowers and send a card on her behalf since she could no longer get out. I told her that I felt she had a right to know and would want to know as painful as the news was. She was grateful that I gave the respect that was due her to be able to grieve and do what she wanted to pay her respects. Yes, our mother was old but she didn't want to be protected from reality. Thanks for your share. Your parents are lucky to have such a loving daughter. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Late to this but love the shares and honesty! Parenting is just not for the weak! I had a good mother's day - I got to spend it with my mother, even if we were all in quarantine/recovery because of a Pandemic. I heard from both of mine - the youngest seems to be wanting/willing to work on a good relationship and the oldest is still 'finding himself'.
I would love nothing more than to have a loving, positive, healthy relationship with both of my boys. I have hope always that will happen even when it feels like it's distant/impossible.
I also discovered that my own brothers are all in different places in their life and respond/react differently when faced with a 'challenge'. Granted, I'm not judging anyone - after all, there is no playbook for a pandemic - I was just really caught off guard that the oldest of us, who lives within 2 hours of my parents flaked completely out!
This disease affects families greatly and has been woven into the fabric of mine for multiple generations. Communication is very difficult in my family, which is not unique to us. So, while I am praying to determine if we should have a discussion, all I know so far is that I'm shocked and disappointed. I am grateful to be back home - drove through the night and arrived this morning. My house looks like a cross between a frat house and a bachelor pad, and that's OK - it's still standing!
Love and light to all - hope everyone had a grand Mother's Day and I'm grateful to be back home! Parents are weak and lacking energy but fully stocked with tons of nutritious food and able to make it, one day at a time. If not, I'll go back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
