The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 5/4, begins with the author stating, Who am I? They thought they knew that answer but actually they didnt. They had been more involved with the alcoholics and everyone else, and lost track of themself. The Steps, and especially 4 & 5, were found to be extremely helpful in discovering who they really were . The end of the reading: Alanon has given me back the only thing that was ever really mine to keep: myself.
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I relate to this reading because the person I thought I was, was untrue. I thought I was an embarrassment, unintelligent, and incapable. I think the people in my FOO and two alcoholic spouses needed me to believe this, so I fit in well with them. With some therapy along the way, and then alanon, I learned some different things about myself. Do I have character defects? Yes. But do I have some wonderful and positive attributes? Yes again. And I have learned to admit and work on the problems, and celebrate the good things about me. Alanon has been a truly life-changing event in my life. Lyne :)
Thank you Lyne for your service... I love how you share openly how Al-Anon has affected your life for the better! David, nice, new avatar. Your home?
I too have found that over time I can find the gratitude afforded me by my participation in Al-Anon. I never really understood just how lost the "me" was until I faced life alone as a single person.
Today I am content with myself and my choices - warts and all. I have come to realize that my negative traits were just positive ones that had been amplified and morphed into behaviors that weren't healthy, as a result of living with the chaos that is Addiction. When I learned better, I did better!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks ((Lyne)) for the daily reading and all who shared. Alanon recovery continues to be a journey of discovery for me. I have a few old journals pre-recovery and early recovery. I don't revisit them often but when I have, I can see how different my thinking is today. Alanon likens our personal progress to peeling of an onion. This is an ongoing process for me because life isn't stagnant. Things are always changing. Look what is happening currently a new normal so to speak which is unchartered territory. Although initially feeling blindsided, I can work through my feelings and take things in stride adjusting myself to what is and living life on life's terms.
The reading talks about identifying positive traits through working steps 4 and 5. We say in the program "the flipside of a defect is an asset. There are no good or bad feelings, just feelings. When new to recovery so many of my emotions were emotions of extreme, neurotically out of balance from over involvement in the lives of others. I was fixer, rescuer, enabler, manipulator, liar, caretaker, controller etc. I wore a lot of hats but none very healthy and all relative to someone with low self worth who sought an identity and value through others. I lived a life of busy distraction from myself.
"Who am I?" Well, I'm a child of my higher power. But if my allegiance is to a false god so to speak; I stay sick. I related to the quote in this reading. My worth was once tied up with materialism, status, symbiotic relationships and recreational idleness ie:trophy wife. Even within the Alanon fellowship when being honest about my former life, I've been told by others that if they had that life they likely could endure the alcoholism. Well to each their own. I know I could not gaslight myself any longer. Alanon brought answers to why I since seemingly I had everything, I wasn't I happy.
One answer was that the elephant in the middle of the room will continue to grow whether you're in a mansion or a shack. Another is that memories of times spent with my first sponsor who helped me to find the courage to live a happy, joyous and free life through step work have outweighed my memories of trips to world capitals. Those trips sometimes included overdoses in countries where I didn't know the language or how to seek help. Yes, I can say I've been to those places but what was the quality of the journey? I don't remember much good about them.
I'm grateful to have crawled into the rooms of this program having gotten sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm thankful to have found the humility to work the steps because I was led me to find a real person ME under all that entrapment and wreckage. I found a higher power that continues to love me, guide me and teach me lessons as I continue to get to know myself and my true gifts. And in gratitude for this spiritual awakening, I can be of service in whatever way my hp guides me to be. My life is no longer about material and emotional fixes. I'm grateful to shed that kind of dependency on people, places and things to make me happy. I have fears but work them out with the steps of the program and trust that I am being taken care of by a loving hp. I can ask for help and find recovery solutions to day to day problems. I celebrate simple things that in the past I never noticed or just took for granted.
And yes, I can have a variety of emotions and characteristics as the last paragraph of the reading mentions. But I don't see myself as consistently this or that. I wouldn't want others to see me as the one who is always this or always that even if it's positive. That's the definition of a boring person to me. Life changes and I'm changing with it. I don't dread the unexpected today. My loving higher power is defining me and I see it as an opportunity to keep growing. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
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