The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I come home from an appointment this afternoon and AH is pretty much passed out. I woke him up briefly bc I made noise but he had That Look (when it is Booze Sleepy vs actual sleepy) so I just let him alone and got dressed to exercise (I jog around our block). 30 min later I come back and he is still sleeping on the couch but I know he is supposed to be teaching (online). I can hear his student on the computer saying "hello? hello?". His work sets up these meetings (precisely so they can monitor things like this) so he has students supposedly checking in with him for all appts. He must have done the first one then passed out.
So the pathetically funny part is this - he is snoring like a bear. If I can hear the student, I am going to assume they can hear him. If I try to wake him up, its going to be audible to the students. I sat there for a moment wondering what to do but then I thought to myself, his monkey, his zoo. I came out here to enjoy the beautiful weather and write to you all. He already did this to another set of students yesterday. (Different group that hires him.privately so they won't realize he does this each day.)
I know he is stressed out bc he has some extra financial difficulties (surprised?) that are compounded by current circumstances and adulting is too hard for his booze addled brain. So this week he has been hitting the sauce hard.
If this was a tv show, this would be slapstick. Since its my real life, its not so humorous. But I am trying to do My Thing and let his life consequences be his life consequences.
You are so right -- funny, but sad. What is perhaps more notable is -- one, how you handled it. Two, that you were able to "laugh" a bit at the entire episode. Three, you didn't beat yourself up nor did you let this consume you and take up rent-free space in your head.
Excellent job!!! This is something everyone should strive for!!! Thank you for sharing. Your recovery/program success is admirable and inspirational!!!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
It is his responsibility Fedora and so his consequence. I know it is hard/sad and I also know it is life. I remember pulling myself out of my alcoholic addicts responsibility and I had to do it with the grace of HP. Hope he comes to and you continue to grow. (((hugs)))
Thank you for the encouragement. Bo and JerryF. I think I was successful today bc AH was too addled to get in my face about things. The saddest truth about alcoholic living is that my life is way better when he is passed out. I'm trying to remind myself that the little victories count too.
Glad you're taking care of yourself (((fedora)) It's hard to watch someone lost in alcoholism and accept that we're powerless to change that. You went about your routine and got your exercise. You didn't choose to protect him from possible consequences of his actions by waking him up so he could work and make money even though you know he has some financial issues. You responded instead of reacting by leaving the responsibility for himself with him and further separating yourself by sitting outside and coming to the board to share. Wonderful choices! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Loved hearing about your program success! It ain't easy doing what you did!
I am sad to say that I completely relate with the feeling of "life is better when the alcoholic is passed out."
Kudos for taking care of you, and not letting the anxiety of "bailing them out" get to you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good on you Fedora! My experience is the more I stepped out of the way, and let the natural consequences happen, my life got better as I was learning how to detach. Your post reminded me of Live and Let Live - love that you got dressed for your workout, got on here and shared, and practiced self-care! It is very, very hard to watch those we love self-destruct yet it really is not our circus and not our monkey! Keep doing what you're doing - looks great on ya! (((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi again. It's Thursday and AH is having an "awake" day. Which means he is being his full-on-needy and high maintenance self. Your encouragements over the last couple of days gave me a little extra gas in the tank and today when he wanted me to stop working and just lay in bed with him while he had a pity party for himself, I said no. I reminded him that I'm still working - just working here at home - and I need to do my next task. I also went out to exercise again. I told him that I needed to exercise in the middle of the day bc I have an evening class to prepare for and I don't like to go out after my evening class. His resentment is hanging pretty high in the air.
I am in my "home office" right now (one of my kids' bedrooms) and about to get on with my business but coming to this board always gives me a little jolt of a reminder that I Can Do This. I think he just recruited one of my kids to go lay down and hug him. Months ago I asked him not to get the children involved in His "self care" but he forgot. (or whatever). I'm sure this is going to be unhealthy for the kids down the road and it almost makes me want to go down there and trade places with him (my kid) just so he doesn't have to be doing this. But frankly none of us should be doing this and I do have my job to do. So I'm saving my "figure out how to keep kid healthy" for another time.
Anyway, I gotta keep on keeping on. I hope you are all staying well and able to get some fresh air. Where I live the weather is very nice today. No one was out during my exercise time and I always like hearing the birds. I never pay attention to birds on a normal day, but these sure are not normal days.
