Twinkies, welcome back, and sorry you are facing these difficulties. I too went through something similar with my wife. While it's great to make progress -- getting a job, no longer being financially and/or otherwise dependent on a spouse, etc. -- living with, being married to, an alcoholic still is our life. You can separate finances, social lives, hobbies, whatever, if that's what a person desires -- but still living in the same house, being legally married, is still a fact and a tie that cannot be neglected.

For me, in my experience, being able to leave was an emotional hurdle. Whether or not a person wants to leave is something very separate, distinct, and different. You have amazing clarity around that, and I want to acknowledge that and congratulate you. Like you said, real forward progress, slow or not, doesn't matter, it's still progress, and yes, it is meaningful. At the same time, perhaps the bigger issue is that there were things you wanted to address and confront. I too "detached" emotionally, and didn't get involved or sucked into the day to day drama my wife was involved with. I didn't get drawn into the chaos that was surrounding her life -- due to her drinking. I didn't participate in any of the day to day stuff. I can't begin to tell you how relieved and how happy I was! It was freeing. While I wasn't part of any of it, I was still married to and living with an alcoholic. While I created a life I was happy with, there were still "things" that had to be addressed from time to time. Social events, weddings, business functions, and the like. OK, got that handled. Family gatherings and events, OK, that was a bit tougher, but I got that handled too. I also detached physically when need be. That was difficult for me to handle and accept. I built a wonderful, beautiful home for us, it was a sanctuary for me, for us, I had a home office there where I could work when I didn't want to go into my office, I had a entertainment/game room -- they now call it a "mancave" I guess, LOL -- where we both used to enjoy watching TV, sports, playing pool, pinball, etc. However, no matter how big a house is, there were times where she would "follow" me around, not leave me alone until I engaged, and so on. It was during those times I actually had to leave the house -- my house, our house -- and that was a sore spot for me. I eventually "accepted" this -- and had to -- as "this is the life I have chosen, just for today, and being so, this is what I might have to do. I had no one to blame. It was on me. It was me -- accepting -- realizing and experiencing the results and consequences of MY own DECISION and ACTIONS. Sound familiar? LOL. Just like we say about the alcoholic.

Be that as it may -- YES, this had an impact. It had consequences. In my situation, my wife absolutely, positively, very much noticed the "distance" between us. No, she did NOT connect the dots as to why, how, etc. I remember once she "complained" about how we "never spend time together" and commented that we only had dinner together two nights that week. Yes, that was true -- two nights -- because she was either drunk, drinking, or passed out the other 5 nights. But no, she didn't connect those dots, remember my boundaries, etc.

So, at times I had no choice but to ignore her concerns -- because she was drinking/drunk. However, for me, in my experience, I would address it at a later time, the next day, etc. You see, in my experience most people don't do this. Many people collapse "detachment" and "ignoring" or "not discussing" so to speak. That's OK, to each their own. Just my observation -- and no, not about you, not at all. I too had not regularly discussed her drinking -- because it was always a simple, short discussion. It wasn't even a discussion. No matter what I brought up, her response was -- I was overreacting, she doesn't drink that much, doesn't have a problem, and won't even give the topic any validity by discussing it!!! OK, I get it. So, whatever happened as result of her drinking was ON HER. Not me. And that's the way it went. Period. That was my boundary, and I stood by it. Yes, I too was exhausted from beating a dead horse!!!

While who you are that night is not truly who you are -- do not beat yourself up!!! You said what you meant. OK. You may not have meant what you said, not the way you said it. And, you said it mean. OK. But that's what people do. They make mistakes. However, keep something in mind -- and this is not blame -- he had a part in this too!!! How long did you have to go without him addressing his drinking? And he still hasn't!!! No, this is not an eye for an eye, or tit for tat. No, but you both had a role in this -- and his was major, ongoing, and took place numerous times. If the future is in jeopardy -- he can say it's about because of what you said, how you said it...BUT that is not the entire truth. It is also because -- and everything is because of -- alcoholism!!! That's what I learned in my experience.

Don' forget... HE is now focused on what you said, the effect...NOT THE CAUSE!!! Why? Because he and his drinking is the cause. Cause and effect. Part of this is blame, denial, deflection, gaslighting, and he wants to be innocent on this. No, he won't focus on where all of this really originated from!

So, what now? For me, I learned a lot in all my years going to face to face meetings, working the steps with my sponsor, etc. Well, the reality is he is not yet willing to acknowledge or address his drinking. He does not want to quit. Just for today... FACT. That's what you have to address and deal with BY FOCUSING ON YOU. And, he did say that the two of you have to work on rebuilding trust, bridging the gap betwen the two of you, and so on. How does he expect to do that...if he is still drinking? What does he want you to do...just accept his drinking? Those are questions you may want to ask yourself as you begin this work with him.

I too came to the conclusion that my wife and I could never have the marriage we had, that we wanted, and that we deserved, UNLESS she addressed her drinking. But, you see, it wasn't "we" so to speak. You see, it was ME and HER. I could never have the marriage I had, that I wanted, and that I deserved. But, SHE did not want the marriage SHE had before. SHE wanted what she had right then and there, at that moment. So SHE DID have the marriage SHE wanted -- which was status quo, at that present time -- one where she drank and her drinking was never addressed. And, I have no idea if SHE had the marriage SHE DESERVED, and that point was irrelevant, because it was none of my business. She was an alcoholic...do you think her thinking was rational, sound, normal, healthy, etc.? Unfortunately, it was not.

When I focused on me -- exclusively on me, and no, that doesn't mean I ignored her or shut her out in the name of peace -- I got better. I also learned that I also got to a point that, in my experience, most people don't want to get it...where I was able to ask myself the question..."Is this the life I want to live"..."Is this the life I want to lead"...and in the end it all worked out. You see...in the end...it all works out...and if it doesn't...then it's not the end. The end can be married, separated and reconciled, or divorce. It all came down to ME.

All the best! Lean into your program. Spike up your face to face -- now virtual -- meetings. Work on this with your sponsor. That's what I did...and as we know...it works if you work it...so work it...you're worth it!!!

Welcome back (((twinkies)) I'm glad you're here and hope you'll keep coming back for Alanon recovery with us. The first thing that came to mind when I read you post was that maybe it was a good thing that your husband heard the things he heard from you. In the best of circumstances we want to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean but these are not the best of circumstances and if he gets to be an imperfect human, well.. so do you. I remember reaching this point with my ex. I had stuffed my feelings for so long and then one day I just opened a can of whoop a%$ on him. I didn't even know what Alanon was at that time but I would bet you the same would have happened with me was new to the program, early in reocovery or away from recovery for awhile. I see how my thinking, attitude and mood all work against me when ignore my program.  

Hey listen, even if you would change your method now after the fact, it could be good that things went down in such a way that you shocked him and have caused him to think about the marriage and any part he may have in this outcome. Sometimes such events can be a catalyst for real communication and change. What's important for me when I feel I've screwed up and hurt someone is to make sure I understand what was and wasn't my part in what took place and make amends for my part. It's all I can do along with changed behavior for the better. How that's received by the other person is really out of my hands. A person I've hurt or angered may need more time to consider my amends, let go of the hurt or anger and make a decision as to whether they are willing to accept my apology. The waiting time may cause me discomfort but a true amends is in consideration of the other person not to rid myself of my own discomfort. 

You wrote that he's hurt and you feel awful about it. I hope there's a workable solution for both of you to stay together and be happier with one another. You know they say in our program "If nothing changes, nothing changes." At least things are out in the open now for better or for worse. If your behavior while drinking was out of character for you, I see no harm in bringing that to his attention. I don't see that as trying in any way not to take responsibility. The whole of who you have been in the marriage counts. The same can be said about the alcoholics we love - separating the person from their alcoholism. If continuing the marriage is based on him being sober, you may get that, you may not. He may try but it may not last. We all learn what we can and can't live with, what the deal breakers are. I wish you the best as you work through your feelings to find the answers that are right for your happiness. (((hugs))) TT