Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

iris52 · Member

need alanon again....but

Crmans · Veteran Member

Hi Iris52. First of all, I am so sorry about what you are going through. I am brand new to Al-Anon so I dont have a lot to offer other than my love & prayers to extend to you. I imagine, as I watch my mom care for my father-who was not an alcoholic (he was loving, kind...a bit high maintenance though ) that caring for someone who maybe left you feeling uncared for could be difficult. The inability to get a physical break in todays climate is can for sure be an added stressor. I have the same disposition....I need peace & quiet in my own space sometimes. there are zoom meetings that allow you to see some faces & phone meetings to hear some voices. FreeTime gave me a link. Im so new Ive only done one Zoom meeting, but it sure was nice to see some faces & connect with people outside of these four walks, while remaining inside these four walls! Thank you for sharing. I know more experienced members will offer some great words & guidance.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Iris... lovely share, and welcome. aww

My first 10 years we did not have sponsors- we just shared into the meeting. It was a humbling experience. Looking back I just learned lots sandlots, and absorbed lots and lots too. In a Noo Joisy accent I talked about my "poisonality". biggrin ...

And ma'am I hope ya'll aint from Not Joisy. If so- that was just a wild coincidence!

But hey... I call Alanon gals and pals, laughter and tears.

Heaps of both! "You may not like all of us, but you will come to love all of us in a special way- that same way we already love you!"

aww aww aww aww aww aww ...

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

My dear Iris, I have been where you are. I am sorry you are facing this, and I will try to offer some hope based on my experience. Believe me, I understand.

I too had a husband who developed mild dementia and a host of terrible medical conditions tied to alcoholism. Our life became one medical crisis after another, and I was losing my mind. I attended a support group for caregivers, which was helpful in finding resources to help me, and eventually I got to Al-Anon. I'm an introvert too, but I was desperate. I was so desperate that I lost my shame of admitting what was going on. Al-Anon helped me more than almost anything else.

I hear what you shared about needing someone to take him somewhere so you can rest. I first hired caregivers to come to our home, and they were wonderful, but I had to manage them, so it was like having another job! I eventually put my husband in a board and care home. I felt guilty about doing that, I felt that I was a not a good-enough wife, I felt it was wrong to be so angry at a sick person -- but my sanity was on the line. As I interviewed these homes, I learned that some of them offer respite care -- so the person can stay for a limited time to give their family a break. Maybe that exists in your area?

I am glad you reached out here. Post any time, and someone will respond -- if not immediately, then within a day. As I look back on going through this time with my husband -- he eventually passed away -- I can see that it did not break me because I did not go through it alone. I had Al-Anon and a few close people who supported me in ways I never imagined.

The slogan that helped me many times a day is "One Day At A Time."

The silver lining to this quarantine is that many local Al-Anon groups are meeting on Zoom, which means we can go to meetings anywhere in the country and many places around the world, any day of the week. If you Google your city or state plus Al-Anon, you may find the local website where their online meetings are listed, or try al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/. If you have trouble with searching, reach out to me here or by private message and I will try to help you.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Iris and welcome to the board. You sound definitely in a fix and in need of support. Good that you reached out for support. I did that also against my inner feelings back in 1979. I fought the idea and the program until I could fight no longer and then found out I was abided by a HP or as we come to recognize in the program in Step 2, a Higher Power. I surrendered to my HP and quit fighting everyone and everything. My then 2nd wife was an alcoholic/addict who I was strongly attached to with this disease. I was born and raised in the disease and didn't know it at that time so much of my thinking and feeling and behaviors were justified by habitual practice. I did what I did over and over and over again not knowing there were other ways of living until I got into Al-Anon. Starting with the daily practice of the steps and Traditions and slogans and suggestions (the program) I started to find sanity and the power to change the things I could which were a lot. I committed to 90 meeting in 90 days which back then was a recommendation to the alcoholic and I did 102 in 90 days an knew why I should.

I was told "Start somewhere and keep following thru" so I shut my resistances off and found a home group and volunteered to be the coffee maker and got my literature.

Start somewhere and keep following thru is what I am reminded of when reading your post. Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results also comes to memory as the definition of insanity which I knew so well. Keep reaching out with and open mind and repeat.

I use to work for NASA and found Al-Anon more powerful.

I pray you keep coming back and that your Alcoholic also finds sober support. (((((hugs))))) wink confuse

-- Edited by JerryF on Friday 17th of April 2020 08:12:36 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back Iris - sorry to hear of the current situation. I do love that you wrote a commitment each time you returned to recovery! There is no shame ever is starting over and/or stepping away - YOLO - You Only Live Once and there are no dress rehearsals. I met and married my AH in recovery 29 years ago (AA). I stayed sober; he did not. It's been one hellova journey! I vividly remember standing at a crossroads and feeling as if I had given my life away and was 'stuck'. We do have kids and one of my largest fears at that time was IF I left, they would never see him (he has another child, whom we never see) and they loved him deeply in spite of his disease. They, my small children, taught me tons about unconditional love.

I did arrive @ Al-Anon. I was angry that people there told me I needed to work on me. I had been sober in AA for a long while, yet this level of insanity - the loved one of a drunk - was a whole new side (of me). I walked away to endure more pain, I guess, unintentionally and with the intent of making it all 'work'. I made it back to Al-Anon when I was so desperate, broken and hopeless, I really didn't think it would work.

Slowly, like you, I gained some hope and serenity just by practicing what was shared. I knew from my AA experience that there was no rush in working the steps - we all get to work on recovery at our pace. I focused just on listening, being open, and changing my attitude from hopeless to hopeful. This was hard enough when I first came around and a slow/steady pace has worked well for me.

This pandemic has presented issues for all in recovery. I will suggest if you contact your local AA office, they might be able to connect you/him up with zoom AA meetings from your area. While he wouldn't be 'gone', he would at least be distracted during the meetings. Heck - he might enjoy them enough that you can hook him up a couple times a day! Why not?

Of course, there are also Zoom meetings for Al-Anon. I know online meetings were difficult when my kids were small, and providing home care for one with dementia can be similar, depending upon the stage. Yet, it certainly would help you if you can hook up with some while we're all stuck @ home. I also found You-Tube speaker videos helpful when I couldn't get out to F2F meetings back in the day. Just another thought!

With your previous exposure to recovery, I'm sure you recall that we really do practice One Day @ a Time. My sponsor had to pound into my head, daily, that the past was gone and nothing I thought, wished, prayed, yelled, etc. about it would change it. Projecting into the future also never served me well as I always looked for the 'worst'. Staying present on this day, and finding joy in small things and keeping everything as simple as I could really helped me slow down, and really find myself and my center. I truly believe no matter what stage/age we are at, HP really wants us to be Happy, Joyous and Free, which looks vastly different for each of us.

In my world, I had to give up tons of expectations and my own desire for 'perfectionism'. This doesn't mean I settled, not at all, but I did decide to be grateful for what I have and to focus on what's good instead of continuing to obsess or worry always over what was broken/not good. I heard many times that changed attitudes aid recovery and that's been true for me.

I hope you keep coming back. I hope you know you're not alone. I hope you trust there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Welcome back (((Iris)) I'm sorry for the struggles you are going through including your husband's mental decline. Since you're not new to the program but may not have a sponsor, the step board at MIP might be of help for working the program again. Anyway, I like to read that board at times and have found it helpful. I'm definitely feeling in Step 1 right now due to this pandemic. I'm glad you came back here for support. If you have Alanon literature still, making the reading a daily ritual can help of course. If not, the WSO Alanon website has some pamphlets and Alanon topic articles that are free to visitors to the site. Whether you are living with someone actively drinking or another situation that mimics that, our program can be applied. I appreciate your honesty about the hurt and resentment you feel. It's a bit like "Is that all there is?" You aren't alone. I think at the moment many of us are feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us and wondering how our future will look and how we will adjust to what is rather than how we would like things to be. But thankfully because of the program we know in our hearts that we have the ability to empower ourselves one day at a time to even make small changes that will make our days better ones. It's all so overwhelming right now but things we settle down a bit and we do have each other here to share with.

I don't know if this will help you but when I lived with someone who was drinking, I created a space that was mine alone. You mentioned loving solitude and quiet. I created a spot in my home that was filled with things I loved including spiritual readings, poems, music, pictures of peaceful places, pets, loved ones, live plants and other things I enjoyed and cherished. If you already have an entire room to yourself, it may still help to make a little serenity space within it. At the time, it felt like a way of nourishing my soul, an act of self love. Only a suggestion. Anyway, I'm glad you found your way back here and to the Alanon program. I hope you'll keep coming back to share. People at this board are here for you. (((hugs)) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of April 2020 08:58:13 PM

2HP · Senior Member

Dear friend, your topic headline is perfect for me, "need Higher Power again...."

I too am an introvert and enjoy solitude where I find my creativity thrives. But when my thoughts had turned dark ( the effects of living with active alcoholism,) I was then isolated with my own dis-eased thoughts. and I could not find my way out of that darkness on my own. though I tried everything in the book.

It is true, doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the perfect "definition of insanity." When I became sick and tired of BEING sick and tired ( so damaged and broken) I thought by then it was too late.. I kept telling myself... 20 years has passed ... it is now hopeless..."

(at that time, I believed my every thought was a true fact.)

A painful personal bottom did result in making a commitment to myself, and gradually to Higher Power. that commitment was about installing a new program into my system, and uploading that program on a daily basis that it might stick and ease my suffering more and more. Counselors had always suggested al-anon to me but I had always rolled my eyes. By the grace of God, there was no where else to turn.

and soon I was listening to Al-Anon's closing remarks, "you will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."

It was music to my ears even though I still believed I was a "special case," this probably won't work for me. I recall telling my soon to be sponsor that I was an introvert and would not care to make so many meetings. she said it was my disease talking, the darkness keeping me from the light. I believed her enough to to step up my F2F meetings and within a few short months, I remember telling the group, "I feel like I've been floating.... even though nothing outside of me has changed!"

they all smiled... gave me warmest hugs... held me up during that dark time.

with that happy memory, I hope you will enjoy that kind of friendship with your local al-anon groups when this stay at home period of time is lifted. that was how I stopped feeling so alone. introversion is good until I start feeling alone.

My personal ESH on dementia, take what you like and leave the rest. As a child, I had been affected by my fathers drinking. A few years ago, he was diagnosed with dementia. At first I was very bitter that I had to be there for him in ways he was not there for me.

Slowly, with the help of inventory steps, I began to realize I could have the relationship with him I had always wanted, by BEING for him what I wanted him to be for me. This was the amendment that I could make. I had the power within me to experience what I wanted between us.

I found it the highest gift and privilege to give him love and care. by focusing on that, the painful past fell away. accomplished daily and continuously through step 11.

On the last day we spoke, before I left the nursing home, the nurse came over and asked him, "Who is this pretty woman sitting here with you?" He looked at me with innocent childlike eyes I will treasure forever. with calm, confident voice, he said, "this is my daughter. She is my daughter."

When I said Goodbye, I love you Dad," he replied,

"I love you dear. I love you more and more each day."

Only a HP could have directed that scene so perfectly. Now I have my peace. the use of the 12 steps daily and continuously helps me to pray in the way God seems to listen:

"Don't change my circumstances. change ME."

(((big hugs)))

-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 18th of April 2020 08:50:48 AM

-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 18th of April 2020 09:26:10 AM

iris52 · Member

2HP...Thank you for those kind words.It is wonderful how you were able to reconcile with your dad.I too had an alcoholic dad.I only saw him when the woman he was living with at the time kicked him out and he came back to my mom.She always took him back.I understand now that it was partly love for the man he was when they married,partly endless hope that this time would be different and he would stay and help support the kids and tell her he was sorry and really loved her.I also think she was afraid of him as well.So he would be there a few days till he found another woman in a bar.He never mistreated me or any of my siblings as far as I know..He just never paid much attention to me.It wasn't until I married my husband and they became friends that I actually spent any time with him.We would visit.He was remarried and had quit drinking after a stroke.His brain remained sharp,he never had dementia just lost the use of one hand.We never really connected.The only thing he ever said to me that was of any substance was that my husband was a good man and I should quit work and take care of him.I don't think I hold any resentment against him or my mother.I realize they were just doing the best they could with what they had.

But a husband is different.The betrayals,the mean cruel things he has said.I am not sure who I am more angry with, him or myself.There is no way to know what my life would be like now if I had left him after the first one.Could be worse I guess.Could be better.What I do know is that it just seems so unfair.Like you said,having to be there for him in ways he was never there for me.I have been bitter.Angry.Mad at God asking Him why He has put me in this situation.Then I started to think that I was becoming a better person through this.More compassionate,maybe forgiving.Then I started realizing the darker side of me.That I am not as 'good' as I thought I was.I can be mean too.I don't want this life.I am not cut out for this.But,as I said there just is no real escape from the responsibilities.I am all he has.No one else, family or so called friends are coming to help him or take care of him.None of them ever will.Sometimes I feel like I am that 17 year old again being forced to grow up.I don't want to grow up.Not like this.

So.yes,I will embrace the alanon program again.It is like an old friend that knows me better than I know myself.Always there waiting for me to come back and knowing that I always will.It's comforting.I tried church for awhile.But I always seem to find God in this program.He was not at the church.At least not for me.

Iris

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene