The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's share starts with a quite: "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure - try to please everybody." Herbert Bayard Swope
The author shares that principles are codes of conduct we set for ourselves - such as being honest, being on time, taking responsibility for our bills. When we compromise our principle to benefit someone else (like lying to cover up someone else's actions) we compromise that principle, and it is at risk of losing its strength and its value. When we stand up for our principles and refuse to compromise them, even when the other person involved might be unhappy, we have a victory for our own inner peace. We are being true to ourselves, and we learn that we can count on ourselves, no matter what.
Today's Saying: REAL living is allowing myself to be me.
Today's Quote: "The dream you are living is your creation. It is your perception of reality that you can change at any time." - don Miguel Ruiz
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Such an interesting topic, as I reflect on the past few days. We took in a young dog for a few weeks - it belongs to a friend of mine who recently passed of cancer, and her husband and son. The husband went to the hospital with chest pain, and our care community organized who was taking the child and who was taking the dog. I got lucky and got the dog But the young dog is that age where puppies stop being cute. An untrained, unmannered adolescent who is quite BIG. And, as many of you know, we already have quite a full house of dogs and cats. So, I've been walking the pup a lot. 2-2.5 hours a day, in addition to the hour walk my boys get. Things have been going well, generally speaking, but 2 nights ago, puppy barked ALL night. ALL night. I hadn't slept. Walked my boys as usual, and AW came down just as I was about to leave with Mr. Barkey McBarkFace for his LONG morning walk. She could tell that I was tense, and her go-to is to hug me - which feels to me like smothering or holding me down. I Was able to express that I didn't want a hug, I wanted to take the barky dog for a walk so the barking would stop. In the past, I would have accepted her hug, and then struggled to get out of it. I felt a bit at odds with myself, because of the situation, but when I returned, she'd taken care of many of the morning chores, so I had less to do. Seems being true to myself and what I needed had the benefits of not only trusting myself and being true to my own needs, but also the additional benefit that she noticed that she should pitch in and help with morning chores since I was out dealing with the pup.
An interesting concept - self-control at all times was something I leaned when I was young, and putting the needs of others before my own. It feels odd, but good to know that I can express my needs and that I can trust myself to put my needs first.
I hope everyone is staying safe and well!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi Skorpi. Thanks for your service and great share. Sounds like a lot to handle with the new McBarker.
I guess I view success now as being willing to keep trying. Since success cant be perfection, I can only look to myself to be the best person I can be to myself. In doing that, a trickle down effect should happen to those I love in a positive way, and even to strangers. Prior to the virus and mask-wearing, I observed myself being kind to complete strangers in gestures and conversation. Its the new me and I like her, Lyne
Skorpi, thank you for sharing! Today's Hope really has some good pages. I'm glad you chose this one, as I was the poster child for people-pleasing. Going through my hard times with the help of the program has helped me move beyond that. These days, I can actually state my needs.
Picturing your barking dog, it made me think. Mr. Dog is expressing himself, the barking is annoying, but still he will get what he needs -- a walk, and I'm sure later will get cuddles and treats and a comfy place to sleep -- so he is demonstrating that we can ask for what we need, even if others don't always like it.
Interesting quote. Since I am a "people-pleaser" I found it especially appropriate.
Two things stood out for me with your share on this topic. One was, despite the young McBarky aspect, how fortunate that the young dog is placed with you! You will be able to give this dog boundaries, limitations, rules, and training! He will be all the better for this experience! Second, I got a glimpse into the mind of my son. He has always been a "no-contact" person. As a baby, he hated to be cuddled. Those things that most babies love (regarding touch) he couldn't stand! This continued into all the stages of his life. There were many times I would run "interference" for him at family functions b/c he was NOT a hugger, but could not express himself about this. I have long ago addressed my need to hug my son. I learned to allow him space and not force that kind of contact.
I am impressed that you were able to express the need to not feel smothered, and said it respectfully!
Stay healthy, stay safe!
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Skorpi for the daily and your service. Thanks to all for your shares/ESH! Oh my....I really needed to hear this! My sweet loyal shadow fur-baby passed a month ago yesterday. I am still grieving and missing her big time, yet know that with this pandemic, there are many animals in need for forever homes as well as foster homes. I've been thinking about 'it'.
Along comes a HS friend who's daughter and husband just had their second child. Needless to say, they have a 4.5 year old Black Lab/Shepherd mix that they want to re-home. I have been considering it and praying about it and truly feel for the dog. I could express my thoughts/opinions yet that's just unnecessary. What I did find out is the dog is anxious around the little ones, now spends most of his time outside or garage and is allowed on furniture. These are red flags for me and I graciously declined. I am not in a place mentally where I have the energy to retool a dog simply because Layla is still heavy on my mind.
Skorpi - your share affirmed for me that I'm just not ready and that's OK. Even if the need is great, I would not be a good fur-baby parent if my heart is not in it. The second part also hits home - when I am authentic to me instead of focused on others, I am often amazed at the return I get (thank you HP). It's taken me a long while in recovery to be able to share things like you did and/or to just say, "I'm sad today." I finally am comfortable in my own skin enough of the time to practice authenticity.
I believe McBarky is right where he needs to be! In my never-ending quest of 'seek to understand', I suspect this poor dog is missing his 'normal' and probably picks up on the ever-present modified normal of the pandemic. I read an article the other day that suggested our pets were happy to have us home for the first few weeks but are prolly now ready for us to go - to work, to school - anywhere! Just like us, a prolonged disruption in schedule causes fear, anxiety, depression, etc. None of us (humans, animals, nature) expected the pandemic and yet all are trying to do our best. Bless you Skorpi for taking the dog in and doing your best - no doubt it will be greatly appreciated.
Happy Hump Day all! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It was here I started to relearn what I now think of as basic human goodness. What the author calls principles as a code of conduct with the given examples. As a double or triple I call it if you factor in being born and raised in the disease, these basic principles really were odd and alien. I never knew for example how important it is to relationships including working and friendships to be reliable. Once I got the hang of it, I felt incredibly proud of it and my self esteem returned. Self esteem arriving lead to a realisation of what ego is. Each has a distinct feeling. Not upholding my own code of ethics to please others was familiar and there are still some slippery areas where it can occur. But I truly love feeling good and happy, which people pleasing never gives me. It's sometimes hard to not be of the world in a way. It sometimes feels like people pleasing is expected societally. But I no longer expect it of myself. Freeing!
But the young dog is that age where puppies stop being cute. An untrained, unmannered adolescent who is quite BIG. And, as many of you know, we already have quite a full house of dogs and cats. So, I've been walking the pup a lot. 2-2.5 hours a day, in addition to the hour walk my boys get. Things have been going well, generally speaking, but 2 nights ago, puppy barked ALL night. ALL night. I hadn't slept. Walked my boys as usual, and AW came down just as I was about to leave with Mr. Barkey McBarkFace for his LONG morning walk. She could tell that I was tense, and her go-to is to hug me - which feels to me like smothering or holding me down. I Was able to express that I didn't want a hug, I wanted to take the barky dog for a walk so the barking would stop. In the past, I would have accepted her hug, and then struggled to get out of it. I felt a bit at odds with myself, because of the situation, but when I returned, she'd taken care of many of the morning chores, so I had less to do. Seems being true to myself and what I needed had the benefits of not only trusting myself and being true to my own needs, but also the additional benefit that she noticed that she should pitch in and help with morning chores since I was out dealing with the pup. 
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