The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
While working Step Four, today's author explored the topic of self-worth. Basing their self-worth on their accomplishments and other people's opinions meant that they always had to work hard to be the center of attention, and that never brought lasting satisfaction. Instead, basing their self-worth on their ability to love others and to do acts of kindness brings the power to feel worthy, without needing validation from anyone else.
Today's reminder: Let me look for appropriate opportunities to share my love with people around me. In this way I celebrate one of my most positive traits without expecting anything in return. Paying someone a compliment that comes from the heart, or thanking them sincerely for their kindness, may be the nicest thing I can do for myself today.
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In my fourth step, I discovered that a lack of self-worth was one of my biggest defects. Like the author, I was always looking for my value outside of myself, in other people's opinions, or more likely what I imagined others' opinions or reactions would be, or by attaching myself to a person, a school, or a job and expecting my value to come from that. This discovery was freeing. I appreciate how this page suggests turning the focus back onto myself and what I can control without sacrificing myself. Kindness to others without expecting anything in return -- not expecting them to respond in a specific way, to change what they are doing, to give something back to me -- is a great way to feel good. Today, my self-worth is based on my insides, not my outsides.
MIP friends, I hope you are all finding a way to feel good about yourselves today.
Good morning MIP. Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. I too found self-worth lacking in my inventory and also could see a pattern of 'looking for love in all the wrong places' (it's a country song folks!). I am grateful for the many tools we have that can help me be different, do different and live different.
I do believe my daily reprieve is directly related to my spiritual condition. If/when I am able to stay God-centered, my fear, doubt, etc. are minimized. When my ego/self-will lead, my defects can return and will return until I surrender and accept who's in charge. I love that when I do feel uncertain, insecure, inferior or similar, I can reach out to my sponsor or another program friend and talk it out. I never have to be alone again if I chose to be/do different.
I have always thought that positive affirmations were kind of silly. Yet, one I admire greatly suggested their use a couple years ago. I am not consistent but do manage to remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect and loved unconditionally by the God of my understanding. It is amazing how some things that are really simple to do can bring about profound results.
Stay safe, stay distant and stay connected family. (((Hugs))) to all - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks FT for your service and for both above shares. I too had not a clue about self-worth and suffered relying on others to define me for years. My codependency developed and I had no self without someone else. What a painful existence that was! Most of the people I relied on for a definition of who I was, were rather sick themselves. That was all just a huge mess....
My sponsor (RIP) taught me about assets, and as a result I learned to care about and respect me. She also helped me to not have expectations of others, and to do an act of kindness without needing anything back. These were some of the gifts she taught me.
I have a really different and better life now, not perfect, but a work in progress. Grateful member, Lyne
Thanks ((freetime)) for the daily reading and sharing. It's a great reminder to keep my relationship with a loving as higher power the most important relationship in my life. Self actualization for me has been part Alanon, part aging and my relationship with the god of my understanding. It took time and life experiences, people experiences to reach that point of being good with myself.
For so long, I lived in reaction to others opinion of me and that "less than" opinion of myself. Naturally, this resulted in a lot of people pleasing at my own expense. Saying complimentary things to another to diffuse an argument, their criticism or ridicule and keep myself emotionally safe. Because at that time, what you thought of me very much felt like my business. If the others words were negatively directed at me, I questioned whether such assertions were true. I worked harder at people pleasing, trying to win love through kind actions and words. I did all I could think of to try to be worthy.
Thankfully, due to this program and welcoming, accepting and trusting a loving hp to stand beside me and give me protection from others who words and actions can be unloving, I can extend kindness to such people in words and actions because it brings a greater sense of oneness with my higher power and serenity for me. Just as my fellows in the program continued to love me until I could love myself, I can extend love and kindness to others whose behaviors and actions are less than kind and know that it's about them and not about me.
I know because I was very angry and resistant to accepting love and kindness when I was a newcomer. I was resentful of the A in my life and thought Alanon was a bunch of bs. Had I not felt so lonely, I likely would have not kept coming back. Someone in the program took me under their wing at that time and was kind to me no matter what I said or how I acted. I'm grateful that I saw them again in a meeting many years later when I went home and got to thank them for loving me until I could love myself. I was in such a rough place that as we walked down the street after meetings I would rant to this person nonstop in anger. Once they responded by softly saying to me over and over again "Say the Serenity Prayer." I remember that I just kept ranting and they kept repeating that statement softly. Man I was something back then LOL. I stopped in my tracks in front of a major department store looked my fellow Alanoner dead in the eye and loudly said, "You say the f'g Serenity Prayer!" They just looked at me and then we continued walking with one another. They kept loving me, extended more kindnesses and I tagged along to their church with them because I wasn't doing anything else. I didn't get their relationship with their higher power but I knew it was real for them and I admired and respected that about them. They had a lot of problems in their life but somehow they weren't without time to extend love and kindness to me and in spite of my negative behavior. When the student is ready, the teacher will come.
When I'm at my worst, my hp is at their best. This is when it's most important to surrender feelings of resentment, anger and hurt to my hp and ask for guidance to respond vs react in an esteemable and loving way toward others. When others are at their worst, my changed attitude for the better, extending compassion and kindness can possibly help change negative energy to more positive because a loving higher power is in it. Thanks for the wonderful shares. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Great reading. Always liked this one a lot. I feel it sheds light on many things.
When I did my 4th step, I had to bifurcate my "professional" persona and life, from my "personal"...and in my personal life, in some relationships, unhealthy ones, toxic ones, etc., I found a major defect. The outward thinking in -- seeking value outside of myself, looking to others', specific others' opinions, and covert affirmations, was me being successful in the eyes of others...NOT MY EYES.
It was a blind-spot...and when it came into my view...it was enlightening and empowering!!! How did this happen? In part, buy focusing on myself. By being brutally and completely open and honest. By owning my stuff and my role, my contribution. By being held accountable. By doing the work.
Today, it's the man in the mirror who provides me with love, value, and the knowledge of being a good person. Not the world beyond the mirror...not first. That comes differently and second.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
