The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wonderful Sister (three years younger than me) inherited a lot more wisdom from our parents than I did, and she has learned a lot more about life than I have. She's not had any negative impact from drugs and alcohol with any of her loved ones, except me, and she's always loving and patient and always there for me through the many, many ups and downs in my life. She's been patiently trying to teach me things over the years that have worked well for her, and some of those things are now beginning to work for me - with alcoholics as well as "normal" people in my life - thought I'd share them here - maybe someone else can benefit, too.
Just say "OK" - one of my favorite responses to pretty much anything these days has become "OK" - stuff that's not worth making a big deal about, which is pretty much anything for me lately - it's similar to "You could be right about that", but quicker and easier - life-and-death stuff doesn't get an OK from me, but not much falls into that category these days.
"That would be your decision" - similar to "you're smart enough to figure that our on your own" but maybe easier on the person I'm responding to, it also takes me out of the mix in a more permanent, directly stated way - kinda like saying "I don't wanna be involved in this" or "you're not going to pull me an and have me make a bad decision for you that I'll later get blamed for", but without the edginess or directness.
I need every advantage I can get dealing with the stuff life throws at us!
I did start using "OK" and "You could be right about that," as part of gray-rocking my spouse the last few months before I left. It was the only way to survive. The difference was that underneath, I still felt strongly about my POV... which led to all sorts of resentments etc. I think the key for "OK" is what you mentioned: stuff that isn't worth making a big deal about. Al- Anon has helped me to understand what is, and what isn't.
The second one I will use with my kid - actually a young adult now, making her/his own decision!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks for sharing these. They're excellent detachment tools that can help me stay on my side of the street, within my hula-hoop. Honestly, if I could consisting practice your sister's two wise suggestions
, I'd maintain my serenity. When I lapse into interfering, caretaking, over involvement, taking others choices that are only about them personally, I've forgotten myself. Where am I? Oh there you are, way back there (meaning me). I didn't see you there "me" I was too busy with this other person who I thought needed me more than I need me. Hmmm, I've lost my serenity now. Thanks for these great reminders for keeping the focus on myself. ((hugs)))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 13th of March 2020 07:54:09 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
"I think the key for "OK" is what you mentioned: stuff that isn't worth making a big deal about." - the problem is, of course, when something comes up that is truly important and an "OK" isn't going to handle it - that kinda stuff is still tough for me - thankfully, those things come up in my life rarely.
Hey TY - great to see you! Love this share and your sis seems smart! What I find awesome about learning new tools is that I am open to explore what works for others. Before Recovery (BR), I really was resistant to others, partly because I didn't want to be wrong and partly because I was fearful of doing something different that might 'rock the boat'.
I too am grateful that my life is simpler today and I too rarely face catastrophic events that require deep processing and over-analysis. OK as an answer reminds me of when I heard that Yes and No are complete sentences....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
