The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about making mistakes and making amends. The author reminds us that we all make mistakes, and hopefully, as we grow in our AlAnon program and apply the principles to our lives, we will continue to learn from those mistakes. If a mistake we have made causes harm, we can make amends, and we can change our behaviors so we won't repeat the same errors.
The author also reflects on the greatest obstacle to this learning process: shame. Shame can be an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn't do in the past. The author suggests a reality check if we are feeling ashamed, because our thinking is probably distorted. We might be forgetting that we did the best we could at the time, or that, as human beings, we all make mistakes. Sharing with an Al-Anon friend can help to break the bonds of shame and we may come to se our most embarrassing moments as teachers that help us move in a more positive direction.
Today's Reminder: Today I will love myself enough to recognize shame as an error in judgement.
Today's Quote: "The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
----------------------------
I like today's reading, especially its focus on letting go of shame and seeing ourselves as humans who are bound to make mistakes. I've been taught in my faith that humans are not allowed perfection. This applies to all areas of life, and so, when creating a work of art, for example, it is important to include an error in the work as a reminder that humans are not the ones who create perfection. And so, to me, holding myself to a standard that is not for me seems silly. That doesn't mean that I cannot be very hard on myself sometimes. I like the authors idea of using the emotion of shame as a warning that my thinking might be distorted, that I am not giving myself credit for doing my best in the past, and the ability to learn and grow in the present. Today's reading seems tied to the concept of being gentle with ourselves, one of my favorite concepts because it is one I need the most.
I hope you make today a great day, and remember to be gentle with yourself today!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good morning Skorpi - thank you for your service, the daily and your share/ESH. I arrived with tons of blame/shame - inward and outward! I had spent a lifetime of analyzing (over-analyzing), thinking, pondering, etc. WHO was to blame so that I could throw shame off me onto another. My distorted thinking drove me to live in many problems focused on who, what, why, etc. instead of practicing acceptance, and working towards living in the solution.
Like so many habits I practiced BR (Before Recovery), throwing blame/shame around was exhausting. In order to 'do it', I had to dissect each event in a day, analyze the heck out of it, conclude fault and then proceed. Coming to Al-Anon saved my sanity as I learned that my primary focus should be me vs. 'all' and being human (mistakes and all) was normal while perfection was over-rated!
What a relief it is to me to know I was designed to be perfectly imperfect. What a relief to me to know I'm only responsible for my own thoughts, actions, deeds, etc. What a relief to learn how to unconditional love and accept another - no matter where they are on their journey. Through practice, I am able to replace any shame I encounter on a daily basis with acceptance, gratitude, prayer or service.
I too like that the reading cautions us about feeling shame. My experience has been what is written - when it comes up, there's no doubt my thinking is distorted. I am grateful to have a program of recovery and a lovely support system that carries me when I ask, encourages me to keep learning and growing and ultimately suggests that balance - physical, emotional, spiritual, mental - is a lovely goal to consider!
Happy Hump Day MIP! Make it a great day - find and keep your joy!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Skorpi for your service and for both above ESHs. I know shame and blame very well. They are two of my character defects I ask HP to lift daily. I am grateful that our program gives me a blueprint to decrease these two terrible habits and replace them with gratitude, compassion, and acceptance of all. I was practicing acceptance just this morning with my A. I can still get side-tracked and loose my good path. But I also can get right back on it, one foot in front of the other, ODAT. Lyne
I love today's reading. CTC is my go to. It's my bible. Personally, in my experience, my recovery, I focused on me.
When I look at the 12 steps of alanon -- yes, alanon, not AA -- I find the blame, shame, denial, justification, and so much more, is very simply...on me. It's about me. When I am blaming someone else, it is ME who is doing the blaming. Before I started working the steps, and before my work in recovery...why would I ever look at my role? Why would I ever look at my part or my contribution? Why? It was her fault!!! It was his fault!!! LOL. I applied steps one, two, and three -- acceptance, surrender, and letting go -- and I was on my way. That and just that solved my problems...and it allowed me to go on to step four, where I spent over a year. Shame is just another ingredient in the recipe -- as I said before -- shame, blame, denial, justification, wanting to be right, the demand and desire to prove, control, and so much more. Those tainted ingredients were replaced with acceptance, surrender, letting go, even more compassion than I already had, and I had a lot of that! Also with understanding, empathy, mindfulness...and more...all things that allow me to be happy and healthy. Lesson learning opportunity for some!
I don't jump to making amends without doing all the work prior to that. The work I did in step four was not to uncover and identify the character defects I had. It was was the beginning of a process. Recovery is a process...not an event!!! I think too many people miss that.
If someone has truly, sincerely, and honestly completed the first three steps...then and only then can you begin to put that to work. That is the beginning, you now hav3 the courage and honesty to take a fearless and brave look at YOURSELF. There's another part of it too however...you must be WILLING to clean up and throw out the junk that you find!!! How many people really do that?
So, I was absolutely ready -- with everything that went into that -- to identify the problems, the junk, the poor qualities, decisions, and just look at me. I asked others to do so as well. Sure, try and do step four on your own...good luck with that!!! LOL. How did I, my behavior, who I was being affect me, and everyone else around me? My goal, every single day, is to live my life and continue to grow, to improve, to make spiritual growth and progress a and make spiritual progress as a focal point, which all allows me to be the best person I can be...not perfect, but the best possible.
Thanks.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you Skorpi for your service, and to all of those who shared their ESH.
In my world, it is always good for me to remember that I was not made to be perfect... so I should be gentle with my need for me to "be" or "do" perfectly. That way, it extends to others as well. It also corrects the shame I feel for not "doing" perfectly! It really is about "EASY DOES IT."
I was still awake at 3:45 am this morning! I am dealing with some anxiety I guess. Trying to use all my Tools, but I guess I was still uneasy. I had to finally resort to a Self-Hypnosis recording. Today is going to be a looooooooooong day - I will need to carry my Toolbox with me (I get cranky when I am tired)!!!!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Elizabeth Kubler Ross had a lot to teach the world- or lead us to- stuff we might have known instinctively. Layers and layers of shame take time to uplift and process. It is simple, looking backwards, but so darned difficult, at the time, to let go.
Well, that was my experience. It is a journey- and I am taking in the reading, and sharing, as a part of this process... ... I believe that we all have the right to be wrong. Deliberate faults or mistakes, though, are in a different category. More a product of anger, maybe?
I am working on a project, over on the coast... but waiting for the dew to dry- so that I can paint. I can apply the serenity prayer to this. But I did my best at reading the weather forecast- at the beginning of the week. Autumn is due next month- and I might have been pushing the boundaries a bit much.
But there is always next year. I have an undercoat on, so at least the wood underneath is dry!
With these efforts, and endeavours, on the path of self improvement; for me- gratitude does a lot of work for me. I believe that is can change the body chemistry... ...but being around other people- in a friendly, constructive way- even more so- gong from awareness, acceptance, along to action... and even the little things- like stepping up and sharing with others... priceless...! ...
& 
... I believe that we all have the right to be wrong. Deliberate faults or mistakes, though, are in a different category. More a product of anger, maybe?