Thanks David Your honesty is inspiring

In my experience, the making amends to kids is broken down into two parts -- making amends, and then the fact that it is to kids. Many people collapse and confuse making amends as an apology. They are not always one in the same. Making amends does not have to be a formal apology, and even if it is, what an apology is to certain people may be something different to others.

The "to children" aspect is where this can get difficult. Depending on the circumstances, children may or may not have an expectation. They may feel that certain things need to be "fixed" and someone has to make amends for certain, specific things. However, making amends is not about the recipient. It is about the person who is making amends. Once, I was making amends to my ex, and at the end of the discussion, after I said what I wanted to say -- she also "requested" and "suggested" I "make amends" and "apologize" for several other specific actions that I had taken. I listened carefully, I clarified what it was she was saying. I reviewed each of the actions -- each of the things she felt I was "guilty" of -- and a very interesting dynamic came to light. Yes, there were several instances, several things she felt I did, that, as a result -- I was "guilty" of. She didn't like the results, so she concluded that I was guilty of doing something wrong, something heinous in her mind. She felt that as a result of my actions, one of her children further spiraled out of control and graduated from marijuana to oxycodone ("roxys" and oxycotin et al) and then to heroin. She felt that his being in jail was a result of "being abandoned" by me. Now, while this couldn't be further from the truth, I absolutely found it very normal and typical that she neglected all of the major variables that she was responsible for that played a major part in that outcome. I actually had zero to do with it. But that's OK. I get it. Her son ending up where he did had a lot to do with her, her decisions, her actions, etc. and of course him -- but in order to feel OK about everything, she had to have someone to blame...and that was me. I get that. She did some very bad and very wrong things. She was in denial. She couldn't face any of it. So, she shifts, deflects, and distracts, and the blame goes to me, so she is OK with it. So be it.

Anyway, after hearing her "case" so to speak, I thought about it, and I politely and respectfully explained that we had different feelings, opinions, and perspectives on what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and so on. Yes, I found a nice way of diffusing the discussion and not accepting blame and not laying blame. She kept going. And going. And going. I did finally have to include the phrase "I am sorry you feel that way" along with my other diplomatic portrayal of what I was saying. When I wouldn't "admit" and "engage" with her -- she finally said, "Well, I am glad you understand and you are finally accepting responsibility for everything, and you apologized".

Right or wrong, I did say to her, let me clarify, and be very clear, I understand what you feel, how you feel, and why you feel the way you do -- BUT -- I did not and I am not apologizing for any of those things you are saying (about your son and where he ended up in his life). Why I said that is not important. Right or wrong doesn't matter. I did what I felt was right, best, and healthy for me. She chooses to tell everyone it is my fault, and that's OK. What other people believe -- and if they believe her -- is not my concern. I have thought zero about it -- truly not one thought -- in years. It means nothing to me. I am OK, and that's what counts. Because of all this -- my amends were dismissed, not accepted, etc. So be it. Making amends was about me, my outcome, my result...not about whether the person accepted or not, whether they agreed or not, whether it was good enough for them or not, whether my amends were enough or not. It's not about the labeled success...it is about the action...that I did it.

Bo, this is also how I have come to see amends.

Making amends is not a one-time isolated transaction so to speak. It's who you are being. How you live your life.

I think often about amends to my grown children.  As Al-Anon says, changed attitudes can aid recovery, so I try to always interact with my children based on my new attitudes.

Thank you, David, for this topic.