The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So in Reading My Daily today, I Chose to Read the New "50th Annv. ODAT" and I'm Gonna Share it with ya's :)
Jan 30th...
Most of us come to Al-Anon for help as a last resort. We've tried everything else. Perhaps we've seen its effects on others; it seems to have worked like magic, and we want some of that! Then we find out that it isn't magic-- it's a kind of spiritual common sense that we must buckle down and learn.
We start, like children in first grade, with the First step: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable. The Second part of this Step is easy to admit; but to the first part we usually give only lip service. We find it difficult to surrender to the idea that we, the competent ones who have tried to cope with a alcoholic situation, don't really know how to handle it correctly.
Today's Reminder:
Step One must be learned and repeated unit it becomes a part of me. Whenever I give in to my natural impulse and habit to take over and try to force a change, I'm in trouble again. I now I can only make progress when I really believe in, and practice, the First Step.
"I Pray to be released from my compulsion to control my situation. I have so often proved I am unable to control it. Let me think, Know and feel my Powerlessness; then I will at least learn to let Go and let God."
So Yea, I Related to so Many things in this, but I'll Start with the part that talks about "Lip Service" because that was Me! I knew my Life after Losing my AFather to Alcoholism, that Everything in my Life Just Seemed So Unmanageable, but I Fought Against that "Powerless" word Like a Gal Heading to Battle... So Instead of Focusing on that, I Latched onto Detachment. I Figured if I could Master Detachment, Maybe... Just Maybe I Could see if "I" Was Powerless... But instead it had the opposite effect... Detachment I Felt Gave me Power to Do something different! To Change My "Power" Per say And it Took a Good Two Years in Al-Anon before I Could Accept my "Powerlessness" and the Day it Made Sense, was the Day I Gave up Alcohol! Oct 28th 2010....
That is when I Finally Accepted I was Very Much Powerless over this Disease, I was Fighting against All My Life... And Honestly if I had Not Given up Alcohol, I don't think I would Appreciate just how Powerless I Am! Because... Yep You Guessed it Alcohol gave me the Power to Feel Like I was "Better" at it because well... I Got up everyday and went to work, and Paid My bills, and My Drinking was my Bonus at the End of the Day for "Job Well Done!" Because well... That's what My Dad always Said! "I Go to the Bar after work, because I Deserve Time to Unwind after a Long Day!" I was Living HIS Life, but Because I Kept everything Paid, and Up to Date (Unlike Him!) I felt there was No Way I Walked the Path he Did in Alcoholism... That's the "Not so Funny thing" About this Disease for me! It's Beyond Cunning and Baffling, and its Down Right Manipulative Just like My Alcoholics....And ME!
The Thought of "My Control" has Really Dwindled Since Joining this Program, I Still at times Have to Remind HP to Take the Wheel Per say, but at the same time, as Soon as I Put it up to the God of My Understanding, I know its In Safe Hands... Even though Sometimes My Hands Cramp Letting Go of that Grip! Sometimes My Biggest Struggle, is Not Taken it Back!
I Consider Myself an Al-Anon "Lifer" I'm Going to Continue to Fall, and Bust my knees from Time to Time, but I'm Also going to Sour above, and Allow HP the Room to Take the Wheel... Sometimes It Brings me to Tears when I Look at Where I Started, and Realize How Far I have Come! The Old Me is Still the Wounded Child Within, However! So Many Wounds have Healed due to the Loving Exchange to All of You Seeking Recovery, Whether You are New to it, and Still Fighting Through, Or you are one of the Many Winners Living the Al-Anon Life in Ease, Balance & Grace! You ALL Give me Wings, and Allow me to Remember... I'm Human! And that's Ok!
I found the higher power stuff easy- as a kid i used to slip between the wires of the barbed wire fence- and attend the church over the road. It met once a month- and I looked forward to the treat!
Half a mile down the road, by the river was the pub. Mum and dad used to joke that they were going to Sunday School on a Sunday.
I had gotten sick of sitting in the car with three or four brothers and sister- outside that bleeding pub. I am still waiting fo my second glass of raspberry drink. I remember it clearly even now- a five ounce glass. And it was measured out carefully- one ounce each. ...
I had Went to a Convention Last Year, and Picked up the "50th Anniversary One Day at a Time in Al-Anon" Book :) Its a Daily as Well :)
My Upbringing with HP Left me a Bit Flat... I Was Sent to Church to Give my Mother a Break from us Kids, while she Sulked Waiting on my Afather to Return from one of His Many Drunken Weekends, and Since she Never Knew when and If he would Come home, she would Send us Kids off to Church in Hopes we May Miss the Coming Home, which always Managed to Bring Arguing and Anxiety for all... Never Knowing Which "Dad" was Coming thru the Door :/
I didn't Connect with My HP Till I was Much Older In Life...
I had to Chuckle at Your "2nd Glass of raspberry Drink!" Only Because it took me Back to My AGrandpas, every time we would Visit, He would be in His Basement at his In Home Bar! and He would Make us Kids a "Shirley Temple" at the Bar, and he would let us Sit on the Stools... So I Learned Very Early, How to Sit Up at the bar, and I Carried it thru till I Quit in 2010. And Sadly, it was Probably the Only Memory I have of My Grandpa, that Didn't Bring Trauma as He was the Grouchiest Man I have Even Met in my Life, but when he was Making Drinks he was In his Happy Place! He Later Took his Life when I was around 12 yrs old, Right at the Beginning of My Drinking...
Thank you Jozie for posting this, and especially for your very personal share!
There are times when I "pray to be released from my compulsion to control my situation." Powerful stuff for me!
I loved the vision I got when I read, "... but I am also going soar above." It kind of reminds me of your Avatar!
Congratulations on your continued sobriety!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My life has definitely been unmanageable in the past month.
I have had more than my share
I am going to try to have March not ve consumed with these issues
In general these days I try to stay away from active alcoholics. Nevertheless there are some situations like my work situation which are often unmanageable
Finances are in a much better place for me. When I came into this program I was barely scraping by. That is not the case now but I put in a lot if work to ensure that cash flow goes through
In a few months I will have decent health insurance and be able to resolve many of the issues
Now I have to get through the next month before I can move back to my apartment .
Moving out did not go well on so many levels so getting the moving back right is essential for me
Organizing that is going to be one of.my focus points.
I am going to look for a new job to at the end of March
I had to leave one of my jobs last year because the company lost the contract
Then the new company that cane in made a disaster of the payroll
The last few months have been very hard si clearkly I need to put my program first in order to get back in my stride
I am tired if disaster.
Tomorrow I go out early to correct a disaster that happened with the storage company. I did not see that one coming either
I most certainly do not have an alcoholic front and center of my life causing me incredible problems. Nevertheless life hands us lemons at times that are very difficult to deal with
I have had to out those issues front and foremost on my agenda. The first things first being my health which went down the toilet completely for a while
Maresie
((((((((((((Jozie))))))))))))))))) OMG....what a great share...and a great story about you....I felt like I was reading ME in some parts....fighting and resisting...paying lip service to "i'm powerless" as I fight and resist and try to force outcome......it has taken me forever to and I still hang onto, have to FORCE me to LET GO...DETACH....DISCONNECT, even, if it is totally undoable....oh yea, I'm better, thanks to HP, but still try to force outcomes...like right now, my life is stuck in "park" can't get ANYTHING I try to do to budge re: financial increase....prices going up, my income went way down since i lost my big client....and it has not changed...no matter what I do, i cannot get this stinking situation out of park.......so i just decided to GIVE UP!!! let the chips fall where they may..I am outta here as far as fighting life......I'll do what I can and walk away,
