The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading about minding my own business. The truth is,I really am not sure what is or isn't my business,not just with the A's in my life but with everything and everyone pretty much.
ESH please on how to determine when I need to(or should) stick my nose in or not.
I'm sure it's not as simple as if someone doesn't ask for my help,opinion,whatever then it's none of my business. I know it's not as petty as reminding someone of a doctor appointment or birthday reminders,etc. either.
There's two piles of "stuff" in the world...one really big pile that is other people's "stuff" or business...and then a very small pile, that's my "stuff" or my business.
Paying attention to, and dealing with the small pile is a full time job. How could I ever have the time to pay attention to and deal with the really big pile?
LOL.
More to follow later...but I am running into a meeting.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I think, too often, I deemed what was supposed to be "my business" based off of other people's opinions. "You shouldn't let him get away with that." "I'd NEVER stick around if he behaved like that." "You should make sure he's doing X,Y,Z"
The longer I was in Al-Anon, the more I started to weed out what were MY truths and what was my responsibility - not the responsibilities other people decided I should have.
One of our daily readers, "Hope For Today" has a great reading on this and a couple of particular lines that summarize this for me very well. "...it became clear to me that my true responsibility was to care for myself. ...my caretaking and controlling actually hurt others, possibly cheating them out of an opportunity to learn and grow." (page 41)
I think perhaps your question falls under "responsibility" mostly.
What are my personal responsibilities? My physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. Any legal obligations I have - such as bills. Those are without a doubt MY responsibility. Taking care of or trying to take care of those things for others leads to my losing my serenity.
Sometimes when I'm unclear on answers or feelings, I'll pull out my Al-Anon literature and look up the word or phrase in the index then read the resulting texts found in the book. They often help me get better clarity around something.
I believe this is an excellent question and each situation will bring about different answers. I love what Aloha's shared - it took me a long while to embrace, accept and practice caring just for me. Small changes in my house resulted in short-term gains that have lasted! I spoke in another thread that asking questions in my home would often result in 'drama'...
So, I literally would just consider the day in front of me, each morning. It's not my business if those I love wake up on time, remember their lunch, appointments, commitments, etc. (I was the house manager and knew everyone's business - I resigned quickly and just stated I no longer was keeping a family calendar.) I also choose to be responsible for cooking and meals and used to ask what sounded good and what time made sense. I stopped doing that and instead cooked what worked for me/my schedule and stated when dinner would be ready. I purchased meal prep packaging and if nobody was present at the time I shared, I'd pack up meals for later/lunch/tomorrow.
My self-care was all about what made my 'job' and my 'life' less stressful, more meaningful and more balanced. Successfully living with anybody else does include compromise so if/when asked, I have no issue being a Plan B for rides, reminders, etc. It's not my business if my A(s):
- Take their medication
- Refill their prescriptions
- Set their alarms
- Get to work on time
- Have clean clothes when needed
- And the like
I spent many years prodding, reminding, controlling and managing things for others - almost like a secretary (retired from that role too)...As I began recovery, I would often ask my sponsor for guidance as I didn't want to cause dropped balls. She really helped me see what wasn't mine, and also helped with words to help me retire with love.
I also do what's suggested by Aloha - I pull out literature and look up topics to get the program perspective. Most of all, I keep it simple and if I step in it (stick my nose in), I forgive myself and seek to learn from it...(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I used to constantly step in and give advice, instructions, reminders, opinions, etc to my kids, husband, and pretty much anyone really, as I thought I knew best and my way was the right way. This character defect of control grew into a monster when my AD began drinking heavily .
Now, I try to stick to never doing anything for another adult that they are fully capable of doing for themselves, unless of course I want to do a nice gesture of making them lunch, running an errand for them etc. The difference now is because I want to. They don't all expect me to be their life manager anymore.
It took very little time when I stepped back, for them to adjust and take responsibility for their own stuff. It was more difficult for me to keep my hands off, then it was for them, but I can see the positive results in all of us.
I listen a lot more then I talk now, that why my HP gave me two ears and one mouth.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 30th of January 2020 10:11:41 AM
HI there,
I really like the fact that you are giving this some thought. I think it takes time to really figure out for yourself what works best. I once had someone suggest I write out a list of what I am 100% responsible for at home and at work and then a list of shared responsibility with others and what percentage of responsibility we each had in something. There were very few things that were 100% my responsibility. The things that were 100% my responsibility were actually the things I was not on top of (eg.making medical appointments for my health) the things that were shared were the things I was acting like I was 100% responsible for. When I first heard mind your own business I thought it meant stay out of other people's business and to an extent it does but the phrase actually means "tend to your own issues first" (at least that's how I interpret it). When it comes to reminders I can still give them but I don't feel such a strong compulsion to give them and if I don't and the person forgets I don't feel responsible. I ask people if they would like my opinion or input before I give it. If they say no I actually don't give it. When I feel the need to get involved in someone else's business it reminds me to take care of my own. Wishing you all the best with this.
You are right on the money saying you are not sure
I was 100% sure whatever the ex A did was.my business
I have not been in touch with him for years. He recently got a DUI and I.am.so.relieved I am not dealing with that!!
The truth is that some of why I made the ex A and everyone else in the neighborhood my business is that I wanted them to take an interest on me. Needless to say they did.not
I really am so relieved these days to be dealing with my own stuff. I have enough stuff to deal.with. in fact I feel.constantky pressed up against the wall
I am currently temporarily relocated out of my apartment because it is being rennovated. There were huge obstacles tonny.moving and huge obstacles to my moving back
I have a long list if things to do in the next 30.something days before I move back and tremendous challenges. Before.my challenges were all blurred with the ex A. They were also enveloped in chaos. I have my own chaos to contend with
I am completely self reliant these days and do not crave for others to fix things. For me it has been a long long journey from being completely enmeshed to self reliant. I cannot say my life is easy. Indeed it is tremendously challenging and I am certainly upset on a regular basis. I still struggle tremendously with triggers
Maresie
Thanks for the replies here,I thought I had already said that apparently I didn't.
Sorry I don't comment on each individual post or poster.Sometimes I just like to absorb stuff,reflect and sort it all out in my head without saying much.
