The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello MIP! In today's reading from C2C, the author reflects on the value of self-expression.
The author suggests that, while many of learn the importance of self-expression in Al-Anon, there is a difference between self-expression and using words to control others.
The author helps themselves make the distinction between self-expression and an attempt to control with words by noticing how many times they say the same thing. If the author expresses how they are feeling once, and lets it go, that is self-expression. If the author repeats the same thing many times, asking prodding questions or repeating the same suggestion many times, then they are probably trying to control a situation. If the author finds satisfaction only when the other person agrees with them or does what the author wants, then the author knows they've lost focus.
Today's Reminder: I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people's thinking. Trying to control other people only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself.
Today's Quote: "We should have much peace if we would not busy ourselves with the sayings and doings of others." Thomas ŕ Kempis
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This is an interesting reading for me. It gave me the chance to reflect on how I am with people (my wife, my sister, my friends) when they share problems with me. And also, how I am with my wife, when we are discussing sharing the work of the house. I find that I repeat myself less often with my friends, but more often with household tasks and situations in which I am asked to help calm someone down. In my mind, I'm repeating often the slogans and tools I've learned at Al-Anon, but today's reading is an invitation for me to consider what my motives are when I hear myself repeating myself. Sometimes, I think it is my learning and teaching style at work - I repeat important things and like to hear important things several times so I better understand them. Other times, I think I might be trying to control something. I'm also going to think about what constitutes repeating. If I say something once, and the topic comes up again a few weeks later, and I say the same thing, is that repetition? Am I trying to control something? Or is that a conviction about what I said the first time? I think this differs by situation, but the awareness of when I'm repeating myself and a check-in with myself about my motives is something I can commit to, and a way I can work the program in my everyday life.
I hope you make today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
This page is triple underlined in my index, it is a reminder I need to return to often as a reminder. No matter where I am in my recovery, I will never have the right to 'manage' someone else. I love the easy but effective test: what is my motive, have I already mentioned it? Helps me so much when I find myself trying to slide around Step 1 & 3
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good morning MIP! Thank you Skorpi for your service, the daily and your ESH. Thank you Paul as well. I too have to return to this page to be reminded that managing others directly affects my serenity, peace of mind and joy. I am guilty of all examples expressed BR (Before Recovery) and I not only wanted to be right (ego), I wanted to be absolutely certain I was heard (selfishness). I was not a good listener either, so it was super easy for me to get wrapped up in the managing others mode.
I'm grateful that recovery gives us the tools to work on doing things better. I'm grateful I am a success when I am progressing vs. my previous measure of success = perfection and all else is 'fail'. Recovery gives me freedom from obsessing and continued opportunities for growth each day!
Happy hump day all - we got a tad bit of snow - I am hibernating and food prepping today! Make it a great one!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Skorpi for your service and both above shares. This reading is one of lifes lessons for me I otherwise would never come across except here in alanon. My sponsor used to mention trying not to force solutions. My thinking was desperate and self-centered in a negative way: why shouldnt I tell my A what to do? Who could thinking drinking and driving would ever be correct??? Its just that it was not my place to be the corrector of ways, which I somehow thought I should be. I can laugh at myself now. Yes I do have correcting to do, but I need to only work on making myself a better person. Everyone else is none of my business. Lyne
Thank you Skorpi for your service, and to all of those above who shared thier ESH!
This is a great reading today!!!
I was the Queen of Repeat!! LOL! Well, I look back it now and laugh at myself... certainly not then. Back then, this behavior made me Krazy!! It is the best thing for me to have learned to ask about my motives - why is it that I have to repeat myself?
* am I trying to force a solution? (CONTROL)
* am I being disrespected?
* could it be some other reason that has nothing to do with me (QTIP comes to mind here)?
In my experience, I repeated myself b/c I was trying to force my solutions/way onto another. 95% of the time, that what it was. How could it be bad... I was not the one with an addiction problem, right? LOL! The other 5% was a combination of 1) being disrespected and 2) not being completely clear as to why what I was trying to convey was so important to me.
Al-Anon has helped me to recognize MY need to control, to be able to discern whether or not I am being disrespected and subsequently a doormat, or whether I need to be more clear on what my needs are and how important they are to me.
For the most part, I can do this easily now... I am a work in progress, for sure! I must say, it is way easier to accomplish this when removed from the "not-so-merry-go-round."
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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