The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I found AlAnon I was full of anger, resentment, poor speech and actions. I thought I was justified because the A in my life was not able to control their drinking. AlAnon challenged me to consider the thought in today's (1/24) ODAT reading:
'If I have heard and accepted that I and the A are both powerless over alcohol, why do I still speak and act toward him as though he were willfully bad?'
In the tradition of AlAnon and keeping focus on my own actions, the reading points out that compassion and understanding are vitally important as healing agents because:
'...they will teach me not to punish. Even if the serenity I acquire in AlAnon brings no change in the alcoholic, it will at least have strengthened me to face my problems more reasonably.'
I was in desperate need of this perspective in my life at the time as I was poisoning myself with my undefendable (from an AlAnon perspective), self-poisoning attitudes and actions toward the A. I still need this reminder every day lest I fall back to poor habits and lose my own serenity.
AlAnon teaches me how better to think and act toward the diseased A and everyone in my life. In doing so, I step further away from the insanity that once ruled my life and closer to true peace.
So grateful for the guidance!
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good morning Paul and happy Friday! Lovely weather we are having - eh? This is a great topic and I struggled for a long, long while with the willfully bad thinking. For me, in spite of my own journey and recovery in the AA side, I was in huge denial about the disease concept. Perhaps because it was my own offspring, who knows, but it took me a long, long while to accept and embrace that my boys have a disease and do not train-wreck their lives by choice. I can't think of anyone who would choose to have their life, mind, heart, soul, spirit consumed with an obsession that takes over!! Yet, I too would lose perspective about the disease and I would suffer in loss of serenity and at times sanity.
To this day, I am so grateful others showed me how to just do the best I can for today. Learn from the past vs. dwell there and plan for the day or week, yet not for the outcomes. There are so many simple tools in recovery that I just struggled with because of my own insanity and years of unhealthy patterns. Progress and not perfection - eh?
Make it a lovely day - always great to see you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your service and this ODAT topic today. I agree with you and IAH that it is a daily lesson on humility and understanding when you are being treated badly. There has, since I joined Al Anon, much more understanding that has allowed for me to take a step back, look at my motives, detach with empathy and Quit taking it personally.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Paul-The disease is BAD, and so that produces much bad behavior. I am challenged daily and can only practice, practice, practice, all my tools, as I continue to live with my A and not divorce. A recent habit for me is adding step 3 to my morning prayers. And this reminder always helpful, I can't, He can, so I must let Him. Without program I couldn't survive this. And my A goes to an AA meeting 1xwk and claims to be sober. It's a start. Everyday is a new beginning. Easy Does It, Lyne
I felt the same way when I arrived at my first face to face alanon meeting. I was in pain, and yes, filled with anger, resentment, and I was behaving poorly...because "of what she was doing to me" and doing to us. She was destroying her life, my life, our marriage, our home life and lifestyle. We lived a wonderful life, more blessed than I ever would have imagined. Our life was exponentially greater than I ever could have imagined it would be. I wasn't thinking about how I was behaving -- because I was behaving completely normal, because of what she was doing! Oh did I not see how sick I was, how distorted my thinking had become, how corrupted and hijacked my thinking had become.
Early on when I was going to alanon meetings -- yes, I understood this was a disease, I "accepted" that I was powerless and so was she, and I "admitted" my life, our lives, had become unmanageable. However, the reality is -- I did not accept it. In my experience, most people don't truly accept it. Step One says we admitted. Yes, we admit. That's easy. And yes, we accept, but only to a certain extent. We accept, intellectually, that we are powerless, this is a disease, and so on. But we don't unconditionally and truly accept this and all that goes along with it. If we did, we would cease our efforts to fix, control, prove, be right, cure, and so on. If we did, we would no longer act the way we did. If we did we would surrender and let go, and be free of the anger, resentment, and the poor behavior would cease.
In my experience, one does not truly accept being powerless, and that this is a disease, and that the alcoholic is powerless...until we cease those efforts and actions, and then proceed to let go and get past all of the anger and resentment. I am grateful, and still have thanks every day that I was able to arrive at that point many years ago. I am grateful that I was able to come home from my office, arrive home, find things in disarray, find my wife passed out, on the floor, or on the staircase, and simply be able to be "OK" with what I found -- OK in that I had acceptance and OK with the fact that I was powerless of what happened, as she was powerless over her drinking. Before I lived a life of recovery, and arrived at that point -- I won't even get into what I used to do. It was poor behavior. It was bad behavior. It was a complete lack of compassion, with no love or empathy, or sympathy for that matter. There, but the grace of God, go I.
While in my experience, few people arrive at a place like this -- true, unconditional, and total acceptance -- it can be something to strive for. Each person's recovery and progress is different. But progress -- not perfection -- is one of our principles. Go gentle unto yourself. Put forth the constant and never-ending effort to get better, to improve, every single day. If you do, it will work.
Alanon works...if you do the work...it works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it.
Thanks for the thread Paul.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Yes indeed, IAH, needed a warmup and stretch before shoveling this morning, snow was heavy! Haha, was beautiful though, definitely a coffee and sweater morning...
Thanks all for the shares above, some really helpful perspectives and ESH on an often challenging, always rewarding area of AlAnon recovery.
I am so grateful that in AlAnon I am not asked to stand by in a state of inaction during any and all behavior directed toward me. I am in fact, directed to keep safety a priority and take necessary action to ensure that is maintained.
I am simply encouraged by today's reading and many others to consider my motive, thoughts, and actions when doing so or engaging others. If not for their benefit, certainly for my own. Yes, it certainly is progress not perfection, thank goodness!
It is so strengthening to see how the program has helped the above sharers and many others to get through what once was unmanageable, now doing the once unthinkable: acting with compassion, understanding and acceptance and an opportunity for serenity. What a blessing!
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for the lead and reminder of where my recovery is regarding blaming and judging. I read your post and check my progress and find I still have work to do; not as much as before but some still.
This was part of habitually venting back then and my alcoholic/addict and many others were best targets. They were easy to slam because I had power and practice for a long time.
Come Al-Anon and the many tools in our program and an inner desire to cease doing things that fired my angst and the experiences of others who had "been there and done that also" and I found reasons and examples to change.
Learning to visualize my targets as Children of God and not "Baaaaad People" resulted in a tremendous melt down of negative attitude and added much needed time to pause and reflect on the other sides of humans. I was not all bad and neither were they.
Good to see that avatar again, keep coming back. (((Hugs)))
Hey Jerry, good to hear from you, thanks so much. Great points, I certainly relate; I am no better or worse, just another Child of God. Humbling, comforting...You too!
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
