The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I am just this horrible person, mother, friend, sister. Hardly worthy to walk the earth in some people's eyes. One of the people I hold closest to my heart has just completely broke me down. ANY OTHER person and I could just let it roll off. Lately, she has been really tense this last month. She quit smoking and everytime she does......the demon come out, much like PMS amplified all year round. Over the last month I have put a little distance between us. I do not want to be around the negativity and I don't want to say something to hurt her.
The last couple of weeks, I knew she was upset with me about what I didn't have a clue. I asked a few times what was on her mind and she wouldn't answer me. I get an email from her a few days ago, that sent me into a tail spin and still is. I didn't speak to her or respond right off. I called my sponsor and talked to him about it. In the letter I felt there maybe a couple of things I needed to apoligize for. Other than that...it was hard to take it anyother way than, "An attack on my parenting, and myself as a person". I found it real hypocritical seeing as all the crap she mentions in there she was guilty if during her divorce and still currently is far more than I.
My sponsor reads the letter and tells me it is just none of her business plain and simple. It is not my job to worry about her emotions....this is something she needs to work through on her own. Her behavior is unacceptable. I need to turn this over to God and quit picking it up. Take it for what it is. And my response to her should be nothing but a simple "thank you".
So, I do this to the best of my ability. I respnd with a thank you. Talk to God. Then, I call later. And I listen, and listen, and grit my teeth, and grit my teeth. I talked to her yesterday and she is still short with me and snapping at me just as she has all this last month. I have to see her today at my mother's. I don't want my defects to come out. I am afraid I will just go off at the first attck toward me. I will point the finger back at her and tell just how miserable she is making everyone. This is not something I want to do.
I need to distance myself from her inorder to maintain. I need to process and accept the fact she may be like this for a long time. She is doing the best she can.
I spoke with a friend of ours that he and I have been on shakey ground lately. He told me it was completely selfish of me to think it is none of her business. That my lies and deciet over the man I am seeing are going to catch up with me. Which was another issue with the two of them. She doesn't approve of me seeing him at this time. The divorce isn't final nor have we filed. He doesn't aprove because he wasn't the one.
My relationship with my boyfriend IS none of their business. We were friends for a while until we got together recently. Every step in our relationship as come when we were both ready. It wouldn't have happened if we weren't. Now, the two of them are making it out like we sneak around and have been for sometime now. She knows better. (She had a boyfriend the second her husband moved out....what gives her that right!)
I just don't think I can listen to another person tell me I am wrong for this or that. My parenting is my business. I am not going to parent my children like everyone else....I am not going to have the morals another person has. My children's therapist happens to like my parenting so I have to be doing something right. Every child is different that is for sure....and I a going to do what works and what I need to do to bring my children up as people I can look up to. I will not fall for their every whine, and I will say no, in WHATEVER tone possible to get it across to them, because I love them.
You have just witnesses a complete Alanon crash.......my sponsor says a fly bumping into things as I go...I call it a crash.....and tell my self progress not perfection. What can I do now....today to make this day everything it should be? I can work on me today....Preferably before 4 o'clock.
Zig, you need to take care of yourself, and as your sponsor says, your business is not this other person's. I would probably avoid her until she gets herself together. Maybe that's not the right approach, but it would be for me. One thing we do not need is another person tearing us down.
It's Easter Day Zigs! Go out to lunch. A movie. An Easter egg hunt! Do something just for you and try to put all this unpleasantness on the back burner for a while. Make yourself think of other things. Give it some room. It's amazing how things begin to take on a different tone if we get away from them for a while.
With sincere caring and support, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can totally relate. My father has been less than supportive with my recent seperation from my AH. Unless they have walked in our shoes, they have no right to judge and we only have 2 people to answer to, ourselves and to our HP. I only care what I think of myself and if I am acting in my own and my twins best interest. My Dad was not living with my husband and only saw the good side of him. He didn't see the drop down, bed wetting drunk. He didn't see him hit the kids for laughing at dinner or using the F-bomb every other word at the kids and me. He saw the church leader that was sober and a busy handy-man when he was around, because that is the way my AH wanted it.
You need to stop being hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself first. Dettach from things that make you comfortable, or where you know you can't keep your cool.
Your sponsor seems to be a wise person, listen and lean on her. If you work your steps, you will get where you will be making ammends, where ammends are needed. In the mean time, stay close to your sponsor and meetings. The support will be priceless and non-judemental.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
You know I went through a very similar thing with a friend of mine (one who was always telling me she was in advanced recovery whatever that is) when my mother died suddenly. She was aghast that I would even grieve my mother because my mother had been so so abusive to me. She dumped on me like a ton of bricks and our relationship ended. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated.
What I found out much much later was my friend was going through her own enmeshed codependent relationship which she had kept secret. She was also acting out on many many levels. I do not know what your friend is going through but I know we do not always know it all. That kind of over reaction for me was part and parcel of my living in total enmeshment with others. Sometimes I long for that time of the person I tell everything to and who I spend hours and hours with on the phone and feel close and connected to. For me part of that was these big break ups where disappointment came in at some point. I do not handle disappointment well as my dependency needs are never met so I tend to blow up.
This is my esh. I had terrible boundaries, enmeshed, expected tremendous understanding, being supported at all times from people and crashed when I did not get that. For me the solution has been to widen my circle of support and not exclusively rely on any one person or thing or group. I have had to have more than one resource.
