Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Grandiosity & Addiction

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first found AlAnon, I believed absolutely that the behavior and choices of the A in my life was the source of my pain, desperation and anger and my own unpleasant behavior in response. Trying to understand, educate, and change that behavior left me completely at the end of my resources.

I gratefully reflect on C2C p. 17 to remind me how much AlAnon has helped me see my situation and circumstances more clearly, and in a way that relieves me of so much pain:

'Anyone who watched my interactions with the alcoholics in my life probably would have considered me the crazy one...AlAnon was the first place where I ever thought to question my own sanity...My best thinking got me here. But AlAnon's Second Step suggested that a Higher Power could restore ME to sanity.

'From time to time I still have my irrational moments, but I no longer blame my erratic behavior on anyone else. I now know exactly where to turn when I am ready to find sanity once more.'

Thanks to the program, today I know that I can exhibit as much unhealthy behavior as anyone, including the A. Perhaps more importantly, I know how to get better by practicing the 12 Steps of AA myself.

I can have Serenity regardless of what anyone else around me does, a truly incredible gift of the AlAnon Program!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

My journey, possibly because I am a double winner, has shown me that for each/every trait listed for an addictive person, it's present also in many who love, live with or support an addictive person. If I consider the concept of grandiosity in my own journey, I can see it 'loud and clear' in my approach to helping my qualifiers as well as in my thoughts. I can't even list or consider how many times a day I not only thought I knew best for others, I tried to influence (manipulate), control and change those around me. In the most stark of instances, who I am - a less than perfect human - to think I know what is best for any other person?

So, I really do try to keep the focus on me no matter what anyone else does or says. A huge part of my insanity came from trying to understand the mind of another - my qualifiers and beyond. At any point I find myself inventorying another person, I really need to open my toolbox and turn the focus on me.

I found this suggested concept of Grandiosity in Al-Anon a long time ago - and it helps me often... Grandiosity says we can do superhuman things, like fixing our alcoholics pain & damage, getting narcissists to see/hear us, doing 20 things at once, skip over process, know things we were never taught..

This goes with it - Al-anon teaches us: Youre only as sick as your secrets. Its one thing to feel empowered & be able to face lifes difficulties with equanimity & guts. Its another to over-compensate for our un-acknowledged & unhealed history with grandiosity.

My sponsor, each time I discussed, complained, blamed or whined about my A(s) would suggest I consider what I was seeing, and what it made me feel. Only when I learned to keep the eye on me did I begin to see that I really was as sick, if not sicker than them.

For me, it's much easier to just practice unconditional acceptance of others, avoid taking things personally, choosing to pause so I can respond in a healthy way vs. reacting and trusting my HP to get me through the sticky/difficult situations.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Today, living a life of recovery, I couldn't focus on the alcoholic if I wanted to. I am just not wired that way -- at least I am not wired that way today. That said, what I do have tremendous awareness in and around, and what I've mastered as far as my own thought process -- to the point that it's innate -- is that this disease is cunning, baffling, enigmatic, insidious, and very dangerous -- both of the afflicted, and for the loved one(s) as well. There is both direct and collateral damage. What I've also learned, in 25 years plus in alanon, is that whoever it is, the more you try and figure it out, the more you drive yourself crazy. It is not possible to apply logic to an illogical disease. It is not healthy to apply logic to an illogical person. Why they do what they do, why they say what they say, what they are doing, how they are doing it, and so on and so on -- keep trying to figure it out and you will not only drive yourself crazy, but you will become sicker and sicker, angrier, more frustrated, experience more pain, and more. Just my experience.

Be that as it may, even when dealing an alcoholic professionally, I do not try and analyze, figure it out, understand it, etc. It's no different than trying to figure out the answer to the Abbott and Costello routine of "Who's on first?"

When you are focused on the alcoholic, you don't even know you are! LOL. You don't know how draining, tiring, fatiguing, emotionally and physically, you have no idea that you are completely immersed in and with the alcoholic. Whatever you are in fact doing -- seems so normal, it seems absolutely like the right thing to do. That's what I felt.

This was a major part of my sickness.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for everyone's ESH.

Because, I am living with an active A, understanding the mechanics helps me to detach with empathy, much more completely.

For me, I highly respect everyone's right to live their life as they choose. Thank you Al Anon and HP.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene