"It's completely out of my hands. I am powerless,for real."   There you go Sunny...Got It!!!  Now ask your Higher Power to put it where you can't find it and plan for a great day.  God will do for you what you can't do for yourself. ((((hugs))))  

 

SF, I have done exactly as you did.. felt the urgency to contact his doctor and hire counselors... I tried everything I could think of to protect him from the obvious. Only after I had tried it all (and exhausted it all) did I hit my own bloody bottom. finally admitting I was fighting a battle that could not be won, not by me.

At that point, my sponsor suggested using a "God Box," writing down everything I was powerless over and "handing it over"  to the God of my understanding. I wrote down his using/abusing, our future together, our marriage, family, etc.

I can vividly recall the feeling that came over me that night, an instant whiff of freedom. It was like God had only been waiting for "my willingness" to let go.

I slept very soundly (((victory))) Relieved of the tremendous duty and responsibility I had put on myself..... to hold it all together

(((peace)))

-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 19th of January 2020 01:14:57 PM

Thanks for all your replies.I appreciate it.

I'm actually glad this happened because it really opened my eyes.

Actually, SunnyFrogs -- like you, I am glad this happened. Why? I am glad this happened too, because anything that can open your eyes, and give you a new, heightened level of awareness...reality, truth, transparency...is a good thing. A very good thing. Even if there is pain -- one of the slogans says "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional" -- it's a good thing. It is something that without question will contribute to your recovery!!! For those who say no, the opposite...no offense, that is, a) not what I have found in my experience, and, b) not the kind of recovery that works for me. To me, that's denial! But, to each their own. Take what you like and leave the rest.

So, here is my experience, and my take, what resonates with me...He is in more denial. Not your business. Not to be cold, but it's not your business. You did what you did and you feel good about it. Period. Don't let him live rent free in your head. It's not on your side of the street any longer. He's in denial. He has a sickness, a disease. I don't see this as having backfired on you -- not at all -- you spoke your truth, the truth, and that's all you can do. You said, you are powerless...and you couldn't be more right. You learned what you learned...BUT...that doesn't mean you should have done something different, did something wrong, etc.

You have done nothing wrong. You have not caused this most recent escapade, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You now have the ability to let go. How? Acceptance, surrender, and let go. It's that simple...and you can do it. You've already done it to some extent. Keep doing the work!!!

I so much admire and respect your openness, your honesty, and your ability and willingness to look at your role, your part, your contribution...and simply put...to openly and honestly and truthfully LOOK AT YOU!!! That's why you'll get better. This is something I rarely see here in my experience. It is not even that common in face to face meetings. You are truly amazing!!! All the best!!!

SF, I am going to post a lot of info below for you, not sure if you need it or it is redundant, but would love that you are able to start this journey on the right footing!

In Al-Anon we learn: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people; not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery; not to do for others what they should do for themselves; not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink; not to cover up anyones mistakes or misdeeds; not to create a crisis; and not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. By working the steps we take back our life and our sanity, please consider working the program because the program works!

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It means that we allow us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects of alcoholism on our lives. We do this in part, by accepting that we did not cause the alcoholism, that we cannot change the alcoholic or make them stop/get treatment and we cannot cure them with threats or interference. By understanding we cannot control the disease and are not the cause of the abuse from the disease we detach with love and no longer feel bad or react to their abuse.

Concern yourself with only the NOW, not the past and learn to live and let live, keep the focus on yourself and don't react, turn it over, let go and let God.

STEPS: Solutions To Every Problem
(1) I Can't; (2) God Can; (3) Let God; (4) Look Within; (5) Admit Wrongs; (6) Ready Self For Change; (7) Seek God's Help; (8) Become Willing; (9) Make Amends; (10) Daily Inventory; (11) Pray and Meditate; (12) Give It Away.

Q-Tip: Quit Taking It Personally
DETACH: Dont Even Think About Changing Him/Her - Link to detach literature
al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

CCC: I Didnt Cause It, I Can't Change It and I Can't Cure It

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Please keep coming back! You are not alone!!

When in doubt, dont.

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

THE AL-ANON PROMISES
If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.
Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving.
We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand.
With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace.
No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe.
We will laugh more.
Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

p. 269-270 "From Survival to Recovery"

(((SF))) - awesome share, so appreciate you sharing your journey! Your most recent post reminded me of the three A(s) we discuss often in recovery - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Keep doing what you're doing, and trust the process, the program and your growth!

You're very welcome maryjane...in a dead medium such as this, absent of so much personal, inter- and intra- personal elements, the humanistic side often is left behind. It's similar to the role "texting" has become in today's day and age, LOL. In the same vain, the semantic police, the interpretation patrol, whoever the case might be, can emerge and take over. It's a shame.

Regardless, you're very welcome again, and thank you very much.

(((SF))) - I have discovered, and we discussed it in our meeting this morning that sometimes the journey 'stutters'....what I mean - it truly parallels life - couple steps forward, one or two back, then 8 forward, 3 back, etc. What's been such a gift for me in this journey is the One Day at a Time concept/slogan. Since we really work on progress only, I find it much easier to review my day in the evening, and consider what worked well and what could be different/better. When I was starting out, just not arguing or reacting was a huge success for me...everything you do that's different/healthier than the past, no matter how small is progress!

I recall when I was first starting, and others suggest I keep an open mind. This was even hard for me as my thinking pattern for so very, very long had been 'worse case scenario' and quite a bit of negative gloom/doom. My personal mantra, whether it's my recovery, my work-outs, my runs, my clean eating, etc. is "any effort is better than no effort at all". I had to adopt this to help me with my black/white thinking!

So, just do you....be gentle with you and keep things as simple as possible....keep coming back!

Aloha wrote:

---

That's what I love about Al-Anon. It's a gentle program and at least in my experience, I was free to practice what I learned... or not!

My sponsor did, however, encourage me to "Pay attention to the results" - especially when I was operating in complete self-will. IE: I'm given an opportunity to detach, but decide not to... watch the results and then ask myself "Did that work for me? Do I like how I showed up? Am I more serene now than before?" Stuff like that.

That said - this program is progress, NOT perfection. And honestly, although they can be painful, mistakes are often the best learning tools for me.

---

 

That's really cool. My sponsor used to ask the infamous and famous question...how's that working for you? LOL.

Thanks for all the replies. I have been reading and re-reading them. It's strange how one day I can read them and one will pop out and stick in my mind and then it's a different one the next day. Maybe it just depends on what kind of mood or headspace I'm in when I read them? IDK


But,on another note,a couple of days ago my AH informed me that he didn't get his original prescription refilled( the one he was abusing that I started this thread about). I just said "oh,I didn't know" and left it at that. I honestly didn't know,I hadn't checked or anything. Lol,its just a strange turn of events and shows me just how unpredictable all this is,how unpredictable he is. Did I believe him? I didn't even consider whether he was lying or not and didn't even care.

Lol,it made me feel like something was wrong with me because I normally don't feel or react that way to something. But I guess it's not wrong if it didn't cause me any stress or anxiety.