The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my AS was sentenced to prison.He will be there close to 5 years.
I'm heartbroken and could use some words of wisdom please.I have been down this road so many times before and it just never seems to get easier. As his mother I will never get used to it or be ok with it.
Tbh,I want to lash out at my AH,tell him it's all his fault.Tell him the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and put all the blame on him.Or blame myself for raising my son around him.What did I expect would happen?
I want to scream,cry,run out in the middle of the road sobbing and flinging snot to Express my pain.
Instead though,I'm reaching out here to all of you.
I WILL get through this
It could be worse
Maybe it's for the best
Maybe this is part of his journey that he needs to go through
It's not happening to ME(feels like it is though)
I am so sorry, I would be hurting too. Put your hand over your heart and send love love love...
Never lose hope (which to me is found in Higher Power, who is love.. Let it begin with me....) Nurture yourself today. you are not alone (((big hugs)))
((((_Funnny Frog))))) I am sorry To read OF your pain I see your alanon tools have kicked in and you are not reacting but considering healthy responses. i have been there and do understand
You know, feel what you need to feel. It's okay to be angry and sad and everything else. But you're right that inflicting your pain on others will not help matters. But seriously, if you need to cry, then do it. Scream? Do it. Don't push that stuff away because sooner or later it'll sneak up on you and come out at a really bad time.
This is painful stuff, for sure. I'm glad you're here to share and hope there's a meeting available for you tonight, or an Al-Anon friend or sponsor you can call in the interim.
You're down the right path with your thoughts - Let go and let God and the 3 C's for sure.
SunnyFrogs, I am so very sorry you are going through this, and my most sincere heartfelt wishes go out to you. There are no magic words that can be said or written that can mend the broken heart you are feeling.
We cannot make black white. We can't make light dark. However, while we might never be "OK" with it, perhaps our perspective can allow us to go through whatever it is we need to go through...and then, perhaps we can find some assemblance of peace, tranquility, or whatever it is we seek. Yes, we want to yell, scream, and lash out. We want to blame, or take the blame ourselves. We go through innumerable emotions and feelings. You are supposed to be sad, angry, and all of that. That is the beginning of recovery. It is the beginning of getting better. Don't feel it and don't go through it...you will not get better. Why?
Because, in order to get through it, we have to go "through" it. We can't go around it, under it, or over it. We have to go through it...in order to get through it. It's part of our journey. It's part of our recovery.
Yes, for your son, perhaps this is for the best. Perhaps it is his rock bottom. Perhaps this is what he has to go through. I won't bring religion into this, but this is the path that has been laid out for him. He has to go through what he has to go through as a result of the journey to this point. The disease, his decisions and actions, and whatever else contributed to this.
For me, when I had a step-son go to prison, and I don't compare that to what you are going through -- I leaned into and relied on the foundation of what I learned in 25 years in alanon. Why? Because I practice these principles in all my affairs. I live a life of recovery. The step for me are a curriculum of living. It's how I live my life.
So, what worked for me was...acceptance. Real acceptance. Complete, total, and unconditional acceptance. Then, I surrendered to it. What I was feeling, I felt it. I didn't go into denial, I didn't try and pretend, I didn't fight it. I surrendered and gave into the feelings. No, I did not let them consume me and engulf my life. That is not what surrender is. I let the feelings exist and existed with it. When I completely surrendered to it, and there are several things I did to achieve that...then, last...I let it go. It was still sad, it still hurt, and it didn't go away.
However, I was able to achieve a level of peace and tranquility. In addition, I was also focused on being there for him -- in a healthy and supportive way. I didn't jump onto the roller-coaster with him, but I was able to support him IF he chose to make changes in his life, get clean and sober, etc. If he chose not to, that was up to him. I could still love him, but not like what he was doing with his life and how he was living it. So, I didn't contribute or get involved with anything that had to do with his drug use, crimes, etc.
When he started to blame others, the police, the attorney, and so on -- that was when I made sure I wasn't jumping onto the roller coaster with him. And, when he blamed me or said I didn't care...I respectfully and politely, and in a loving way, expressed that he was where he was because of his own actions and decisions.
However, this is about YOU...and what you are going through. I wish you all the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing and likely the powerlessness you're feeling concerning this outcome for your son and family. Firstly, you are not responsible for his choices nor is his family. We all have free will. You know this because your follow up posts show the recovery tools you're choosing to let go and let god and reach acceptance. So much of what got me here was feeling overly responsible for others. Getting ourselves sick over the poor choices our loved ones have made is not loving to ourself. There is support for you here and understanding concerning your sorrow. You love your son. It's that simple. I hope you'll take good care of yourself and will keep sharing your ups and downs concerning coming to terms with this sad turn of events. If you keep well, you honor with gratitude your own life. You'll be able to offer your son support by using your Alanon tools. He's lucky to have a mom who loves him so much. In crisis I've asked my higher power to please take care of me and my loved one and to help me to make good choices as I work through the accompanying feelings one day at a time. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Early on I always struggled with the free will concept. The alcoholic was realizing the consequences of their actions, decisions, etc. But did they have free will? At that point? Or was it the disease that hijacked and corrupted their thinking to the point where they did things they would never, ever do? Love the person, not the disease. I got through that and realized that the disease had "taken over" their life...and that they had to decide, figure out, whatever, or simply hit rock bottom and feel the pain and consequences of their own actions and decisions.
Thanks tt...so much of what you said resonated with me.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Wow,thank you all so much.I kinda feel overwhelmed with all this help and support,I'm definitely not used to it.
I didn't know that reaching out could be so helpful.
I appreciate it.
My sons good friend died today.I just found out an hour or so ago.Died in my son's home.Suddenly my son being locked up doesn't seem so tragic. It could be worse.Being locked up may have even saved his life as I'm sure he would have been there using with his friend.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 7th of January 2020 09:03:41 PM
"My sons good friend died today.I just found out an hour or so ago.Died in my son's home.Suddenly my son being locked up doesn't seem so tragic. It could be worse.Being locked up may have even saved his life as I'm sure he would have been there using with his friend." - this most recent post of yours sounds to me like a lot of growth for you, and that acceptance, and progress, and clarity is making its' way into your life, after dealing with the I-can-only-imagine-how devastating news that your son is going to prison.
I am sure that there will be days ahead for you where the situation claws its' way up the ladder to make itself more a part of your day-to-day life, but hopefully that happens less and less as time goes on - not because you've forgotten about your son, but because you focus on the principles of our program - ideas like how you aren't and can't be responsible for others' actions (even if you wanna take responsibility to "help" someone else), how you can't re-think what happened and change the past, and how questions like "why didn't he . . ." and "why couldn't he . . . " really don't matter - he is where he is and that's the reality - the "how" behind it is, at this point, unimportant - at least for you.
Be selfish, and take good care of you - better than you ever have before - if you hit a particularly rough patch, throw yourself into something that takes your focus and attention to detail away from your son's current situation and problems, and keeps you busy - rake the leaves off the lawn, clean out the garage, volunteer at a homeless shelter or the Al Anon office, go for a long walk and pray like Step 11 tells us to - "asking only for God's will for us, and the power to carry it out" - "us", as in you, and you alone - certainly not you figuring out or carrying out God's will for your son. I pray a similar prayer for my son, but in a way that takes ME out of the picture - "God, please show (my son) your will for him, and give him the power to carry it out" - that reminds me that my son has a HP, too, that it's not me, and that my son has to find his own way or he'll never learn how to live his life.
Don't read about or listen to people tell you what it's like in prison - that is beyond your control.
And if it gets unbearable, as it sometimes will, grab a phone list and call someone - or post here - we all need help with this stuff - help from people who understand.
Such wonderful ESH you have received! I cannot fathom your feelings b/c I have not been there. But I am sending you peace within your heart... and I too, am learning from all the posters. Your updated post made me feel like your son's HP was looking out for him.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I have known people who.went to jail. Showing my anger to them did not get me too far. Of course you are angry. That is an enormous hardship to place in you.
I recently came across a You tube video of Marsha Lineham talking about radical acceptance. I believe that concept is a huge help to deescalate
I believe radical acceptance and detachment go hand in hand as really effective tools. They calm down all that heightened response
When someone goes to prison it is usual for people to have one of two responses . One is to go all out with the visits as well as filling up the commissiary. The other is to cut them off for a whole. Whatever you choose know it is ok.for you to take time for yourself or choose to go to ses the A. There is no #right# choice
I think one of the most healing things I have felt from this group was the feeling of being held. When you feel alone with these problems remember these words you received in response to your request for help. You are held, you are known and you are loved here no matter what your dilemma is
Maresie
I am so sorry about your son. You have received tremendous ESH here from all these caring, supportive members. While I have not been in this situation, my AD came close. Somehow with our children, the pain feels so much greater than a spouse. My heart goes out to you......and hope you can find some peace and acceptance. It sounds like you are on your way to doing so.
(((Sunny Frogs))) - I too am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing....I've been in the court room, sitting there (wishing I was any place else) when the sentence was provided. It's a pain like no other as a mom, and I can so relate to the want to scream in the streets, blame self, blame AH, etc. I can share that even though it really doesn't feel like it, this too shall pass. As I read your post, it brought me right back to the seat in the court room, the shame I felt, the sadness, etc. yet, at the same time, I can not tell you which of my two sons went to jail on my birthday! So, as with so many things in life, aided by recovery, the experience fades with time/processing!
I would love to share that one or both of my sons went to jail/prison, and learned from the experience to never break the law again. That's not been my experience, as the disease does not bring any logic to the situation at all. In spite of the opportunity to reflect, get clean, consider a different path, etc. both of them came out and continued in their disease. Watching both of my sons have this disease, battle this disease, find some clean time, relapse, repeat is what brought me to Al-Anon and keeps me coming back.
The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's classified as a family disease because we (loved ones) often get sucked in, and become vastly different in body and soul that who we should be or were created to be. For me, my personal recovery in Al-Anon has been the only thing/effort that has brought me closest to a peaceful, forward facing journey. Today, one of my sons is sober - a little over a year and the other is not. Yet, they are still breathing and alive and reasonably responsible so there is hope!
It took a few trips to rehab/mental institutions/jail/prison for ME to realize what you've discovered in your separate post - while they are not where I want them to be, they are alive. As long as there is breath, there is hope! It took the same few/many trips 'away' for me to realize I actually slept better when they were confined as I knew where they were. There was and is something inside of me that suggests to me that I failed as a parent, because of what they've done, where they've been, what they've experienced, etc. I consider this the disease in me - just as it pulls at the A to give in and surrender to it, it pulls at us to continue the cycle of blame/shame/despair/etc.
In working this program, especially step work, I discovered that I am a good person, I am a loving person and I am a good parent. I did my job as best I could, imperfectly, yet they were taught right/wrong, good/bad, manners, honesty, integrity, etc. They are not bad boys/kids, they have a disease, a disease that is stronger than them, us, etc. The steps helped me change my outlook, my thinking, my actions and my reactions and today, in spite of the continued disease in/around me, I can choose to focus on what's broken or what's improved.
I have had to learn how to love my sons unconditionally and move far away from the blame/shame game. I can't blame my AH, in spite of the example he and I gave them. It's just not logical, rational or healthy. My program instead asks me to look at the past to learn and not dwell. My program suggests I need to stay present in this day and not project for the future - negatively or positively.
So - I have been there, and it does hurt and feels like the greatest pain because it's real, devastating and 'the worst' based on what society suggests. Yet, as you've discovered, it really could be worse. Al-Anon has helped me really choose hope over despair and to let go and let God, as best I can, One Day at a Time!
Be gentle with you and know you are not alone. As others have suggested, lean into recovery as best you can - it made all the difference for me - saved my life, sanity and broken heart. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
First off I would like to say that I am sorry for the heartbreak that you are no doubt experiencing. You, nor anyone are to to blame for another adults decisions.
My AD was raised in about as close to ideal circumstances that one could have, meaning no divorce, no substance abuse, present and fully engaged parents and yet ended up with an addiction. Although she didn't end up in jail, it certainly led her down some dark paths that horrified me.
I learned over time that there was not one thing I could do to change the outcome for her until she made that decision herself. Thankfully she did and is doing well today, one day at a time. Her path was not one bit like I imagined it would be in my head. Many of the terrible events have faded into the background and often it seems like a distant dream.
The best use of my time was focused on me, taking care of myself, developing my interests, my life and just mostly being kind to myself as I had allowed myself to become incredibly run down and overwhelmed trying to stop what felt like a sunami. I eventually surrendered and continued to love her unconditionally but stopped doing anything for her that she was capable of doing on her own, along with sticking my nose into her life offering solutions that she did not want. Very difficult in practice, but was the best thing for me.
Acceptance was a big part in this. I quit asking the why did this happen question and looking for an answer. There was no answer that would satisfy me. It happened, and I found the best way for me to survive it was to ask for help and then do what others who have gone before me have done. I myself had to become willing to do the work.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
I wish you peace in the coming days.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 8th of January 2020 09:22:37 PM
Again,thank you all so much.I may not be replying to each post individually but I am reading and absorbing your words(And then I read them again).
I feel mentally and physically drained right now. I know I HAVE to pamper myself right now,eat right,rest,do the bare minimum for a bit.Cause I know firsthand how easily something like this can take a person down into self pity and hopelessness.
I don't want to go that route.I want to continue on with my life.I don't want to be a prisoner too because my son is.
It hurts. It does.But I gotta focus on myself.
I ordered a feather pillow online.Ive been having trouble sleeping and it just sounded like something really cozy and comforting.I also bought a new sketch book,it's been a long time since I've been creative in any way.Oh,and new Jean's and a couple of tops.I didn't spend money as a distraction or to fill some kind of void.I did it because I realized I've been putting my own life on hold for way too long. I haven't been living because I've been wallowing in misery and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.And doing for everyone else.
I wish I had this epiphany many years ago,that if I keep my life on hold waiting for others to "get better " my whole life will pass by without ever even having really lived at all.There's always going to be things going on and happening in life,there's always gonna be bad stuff and I've been missing out on a lot of the good too.
Today I was thinking about taking care of my Dad when I was a little girl when he was drunk. When he was so drunk he could barely talk or walk.I don't remember anyone ever asking me to,or telling me to,I wanted to do it. It made me feel good about myself,made me feel important,needed.I don't think I ever really let go of that role.
Maybe it's time I do.
Edited to add:I don't even know why I said all that.I was gonna delete it but I think I will leave it.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Thursday 9th of January 2020 08:28:52 PM
HALT...when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired...self-care is so very important...to our well-being, mental and physical health, spiritual health and well-being, and so much more.tter,
Self-care can take on innumerable forms and fashions...and that can help us with another important aspect of recovery, getting better, and getting healthy...and that is...focusing on ourselves!!!
We can find contentment, peace, serenity, and even happiness...whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We can. We do. We do the work.
We do not have to take care of, fix, control, bail out, sweep up for, baby, or whatever it is we do for our qualifiers...to feel good about ourselves.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
What a great post, Sunny - I'm glad you didn't delete it.
Self care was such a strange new concept for me, too. I also kept holding off on doing things I wanted to do because I was always waiting for the next tragedy to strike. "I can't start on this because what if X, Y, or Z happens? Then I'll have to stop and take care of that!" And you're right. I started to realize my entire life was passing me by and I had nothing personally fulfilling to show for it.
I'm glad you're moving towards giving yourself what you need. And from one creative to another - enjoy the sketching and drawing or painting or whatever it is you decide to do. Art, for me, is so therapeutic.
I second the 'great post' Sunny! Love that you're working on self-care and self-love. I also found self-care uncomfortable/foreign when I landed in Al-Anon...simply because I was more used to putting me last. I am grateful that recovery allows each of us to decide what self-care looks like! I so, so envy others who have the creative gene - that's so not me! I can't even draw a darn circle - with practice!
As with most things in recovery, practice helped me find healthy routines, habits and things - and I also discarded 'other' along the way! Love and light to all as we focus on this day, one day at a time! I too am glad you didn't edit your post - I find that when ideas, thoughts or awareness pops into my head, it's often for a reason that I may not yet know - more is always revealed!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The ex A who.I stayed with for almost 8 years got in.trouble with the law again
The ex A went yo.jail before I knew him.
I.met.someone recently who I had a lot in common with. She disclosed her criminal history and inimmediarely pulled back. I would not pursue even a cursory friendship.
It is such a profound loss for a family.to have someone incarcerated. Furthermore there is a huge burden in visiting.someone in jail.
I.am glad you are practicing self care. I know I have to take a break sometimes
I.have my own stresses at this time but they do not include having the rug pulled out from under me
I hope you will keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing
Maresie
SunnyFrogs, thank you for coming here and trusting us with your pain. I can completely understand what you feel like! I have a daughter, who although is not an alcoholic, is bi-polar and refused help and treatment. One of the most difficult things I faced in my life was watching her lose her home, job, belongings, get arrested, put in jail and end up in a homeless shelter. This is not about me, it is about you, just wanted to share with you how I got through the helpless feelings because you are unable to step in and change what had to happen. It is difficult to accept that you cannot change the path your adult child has taken. You want to place blame on anything or anyone who may have remotely caused this horrible thing to happen!! Al Anon was a huge help for me and knowing that HP was watching out for her, because he knew that I love her very much and that when she was ready to take back control of her life I would be there for her. I told her that when she was ready to do the right thing, get help and on some meds, that I would be there for her and left it in her court. Well she did, she is thriving on her own now in an apartment of her own, a wonderful accounting job and I am so proud of her. SF please keep the faith, HP is watching over you and your son and when he is ready, he will seek you out and get the help he needs. Work the program cause it works!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
