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i was up the country on a break with a friend for the last 2 days...eating out, having fun, going to a pop concert etc... i was actually having a good time..managed to smile and laugh for the 2 days... came home this evening and was hit with some news that knocked me for 6...
...my ex boyf. "A" himself... his sister (who stopped talking to him ages ago) left me msgs on my phone telling me "A" is in hospital since last thurs...when he tried to do a runner...he drank too much..ended up in hospital with severe pain in his stomach... the docs did tests and he has Sirosis of the liver..appartently he is in a bad way!..she has even visited him... twice in 1 day...and said he looked awful.
he is in the late stages of it supposedly... i dont know anything about this disease apart from knowing a person doesnt have alot of time left when they get it.
why......why.......... does things like this keep happening... when im trying to forget an get over it.
how can i sleep now 2nite knowing he is in there practically dying.... i havent physically seen him in 4 weeks.... and i dont think im strong enough to cope with seeing him...its the fear of being sucked back into the madness again...a place where i dont want to go...
....but what if i leave it and its too late.... what if he does die and the last conversation i had with him...i f**ked him out of it for being a drunk and a druggie (coz i did that the last time we spoke)
.........my life doesnt seem like my own anymore....
i want all the hurting to stop!
thanks for listening..... if i didnt have yu guys i would be in a mental hospital!
I am so sorry you are hurting. Stay strong and keep the focus on you! You can't control what is happening to him. It also is not your fault. You did the right thing posting here.
I know your hurting, but don't go into the guilts. You did not do this to him.
You have to take care of you.
try and get some rest and let the initial shock wear off. Then with a clear head you can decide what you want to do. No one else can tell you what is right for you.
pray to your HP for guidance and remember that nothing you said or did caused this, it is from years of drinking, it does not happen over night.
Your life is your own, you just have to decide what you will do with it.
I agree, take a little time and think about what you really need to do for yourself. If you truly want the opportunity to make ammends for your last talk, then do it. If you are only going because he is possibly dieing, then don't. You still need to put yourself first and what is best for you. We don't know the whole story of your life. Only you can weigh out what is the right thing to do and when. Seeing someone in end stage real disease can be ugly and you should be prepared. If you do go, talk with the nurse outside the room before you enter so you know what to expect. It will help you as you enter the room.
Just remember to lean on your HP and let him carry this bourden if it becomes too much for you.
You can take your life back and keep it with the steps.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. First I want to say good job taking care of you though - a weekend away to have some you time sounds like it was fun. Cherish those memories. They may help pull you through this current situation. Second, turn it all over to your HP, ask for the answers and the patience to hear them.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I think some of the hardship of being around an A is learning that the disease has a natural consequence which for some is death. I know my younger sister has cirrhosis. I doubt she gets medical care for it because that would involve getting acknowledgement she is drinking. So on some levels I am expecting that call and expecting to be confronted with all the denial/intrigue and more that my family has around this disease.
I do not think in any way you are responsible for this man how he feels, what he does, how sick he is or even what you last said to him. I think A's are notorious at being able to rope people back in at certain times in their life until they finally burn them out completely. And then they feel even more sorry for themselves. I have been roped in many a time when I did not have recovery. The chances of me being roped in now are rather less but I know the button of needing to be needed and survivor guilt is still there. I hope you will for you be able to erect boundaries, work through how you feel about him and choose what you need to without being subsumed by his illness. Thank you so much for posting about this issue. I have beaten myself up tremendously at being roped in by various addicts/family members. Your willingness to talk about this issue helps me tremendously on the path to self forgivness. Until I could get into recovery from codependence my own issues with needing to be needed, boundaries and guilt always overwhelmed me. No wonder it has always been so difficult for me to get away from an A.
My heart goes out to you sweetheart! Its so hard to love someone who doesnt love themselves enough to care about ANYTHING. I hope you are doing better - I'm here for you!!
