The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That's a silly title,I know,but there's a story that goes with it.
On Christmas eve I did a good job of just detaching from AH and actually had a calm,peaceful time at a family gathering. Afterwards AH was picking and poking at me but I let it slide off my back and didn't play into it.
On Christmas morning I was both shocked and surprised to receive a gift from him,I honestly wasn't expecting one.I thanked him,hugged him,kissed him,things were good and I felt happy.
We went to his mother's and there was a huge container of cookies that she offered with coffee.They were really,really good and I decided to have 3 instead of worrying about the calories.AH turned to his mother,said some pretty crude things about me eating so many and really humiliated me.I let it go,sure didn't want to cause a scene and upset his sickly,elderly mom(who btw was sitting there with huge eyes,fearful of an argument and in disbelief that he said what he did). On the way home I said something about how I had been hurt and humiliated by what he said.He started gaslighting me,claiming he hadn't said anything, I must have misunderstood, that didn't happen,etc.
To make a long story short,I fell for the bait.It is obvious (now) that it was all just a ploy,a way to get us arguing to have an excuse to do what he does and I spent the rest of the day upset while he sat in front of the TV until he fell asleep(passed out?).
It's time I wipe the dust off all my literature and focus on myself. Again.I realize how silly/crazy it is that I spent a holiday arguing over cookies.
But,the cookies were delicious plus brought me back here so something good did come from it.
{{{SunnyFrogs}}}, thank you for sharing your story of recovering from a temporary setback with humor and a positive attitude. I can relate to a good day suddenly going bad. I love how you are picking up your tools and seeing the bright side of the situation. Keep coming back, we need you
Good to see you SunnyFrogs - so sorry for the insanity we endure at times. When these situations happen for me, I am reminded that the words and actions of another are not at all about me, but rather about them. When I can remember to pause long enough to pray, I am gently reminded that I have tools to manage anything/everything life throws my way, and that I am truly not alone!
We've had tons of drama/chaos in my large family - more than usual - because we are all grieving a loss. I am focusing on me, my needs, my self-care and being of service with my mouth closed as much as possible. Not only are we a large family, we are a passionate lot and many can be very judgmental. I really, really want to put my head on my pillow each night and be able to thank my HP for grace, patience, dignity vs. making a list of amends. I have done some snap-backs - I am human...just keep eating those cookies and living your life, one day/moment at a time! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The now ex A made a speciality of gpadomg mr every Christmad. I was with him for 7 years. I went through at least 6 of them. He knew I was vulnerable at Christmas
I am so grateful I.do not have to live that way anymore. My life is very changed now
I am so grateful to al.anon with providing ne with the tools to make my life better
Great share - I think it's admirable that you did inform him of your feelings - I've learned to do so without expectations. If I tell someone I felt hurt by their actions, I need to know I'm doing it to speak up for myself, not necessarily that saying so will create change in the other person. At that point I get to let go of their reactions and just bask in the light of knowing I stood up for myself - something that's never come easily for me.
Glad you had a good holiday overall and that you allowed yourself to enjoy those cookies. :)
Thanks for all the replies here.I'm sorry I didn't say that sooner.I guess I was just kinda embarrassed,I mean my gosh,I spent Christmas day arguing over cookies and it just seems so ridiculous now.
When my AH can get me to react then he can say I'm the one that needs help,I'm the one with the problems.And I realize he's right,I DO need help,I DO have problems.
I used to get so mad when he said that to me.(Then of course I would react by telling him no,he was the problem.And we would go round and round about that too.)I would feel so offended by it.
But,fighting over cookies? Lol,yeah,I really do need help.And I'm grateful to be here.
I have been detaching/observing.And I feel so much better about myself when I think before reacting. It is so hard to do though,much much harder than just lashing out. It doesn't feel as good in the moment but it definitely does afterwards.I actually feel proud of myself when I can walk away rather than play the "game".
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 6th of January 2020 10:20:56 PM
Well done!!! Its really hard to detach with love at all times. Seems to me you did an excellent job for most of the time. Your human and its unrealistic to expect ourselves to be able to apply the Al anon philosophy perfectly at all times. Im glad you have dusted off your books and are back, meetings and steps will elevate your progress and growth. I have found that while this disease in our loved ones can be torture to watch, for me it is the biggest driver of change for me, it gets me trying and trying to change myself.x
