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OK...I need to vent. I have family visiting me. I am not used to active A's anymore. Both my sister and her husband are raging A's. 12+ beers a night. Screaming drunken fights and even illegal drug use. They think because they drink Michelob they are not A's. Total denial on my sister's part. She does admit her husband has a problem though! Anyway my sister is nagging me about the 25 pounds I need to lose. This is a very sensitive subject for me. I know I am overweight. What bothers me is not her concern for my health. I get that...what I don't get is how she can put the focus on my weight when she is drinking so much and smoking 2 packs a day! Her husband keeps telling me I need a vacation. Well it would be nice to get away. Right now they are using my home as their vacation spot! Don't get me wrong...I like seeing them. I just can't handle having my weight and my stress level discussed like I am a child they have to fix. I am working really hard to just detach and not say anything to instigate an argument. I have asked her not to say anything else about it. However she keeps saying she is worried about me. That I am a ticking bomb for heart disease! Oh and smoking is a healthy lifestyle? Yikes! How do you all keep your mouth shut when they think they know it all????
All I worry about is what I think of me. It is always easier to see others faults and point them out, than to look at ourselves. That is why step 4 is so important and hard. I just know I feel better after having done it.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
What bothers me is not her concern for my health. I get that...what I don't get is how she can put the focus on my weight when she is drinking so much and smoking 2 packs a day!
********By putting the focus on your weight she is avoiding her own issues with drinking and smoking. It's a common symptom of this disease, both theirs and ours. We focus on them to avoid focusing on ourselves, and they focus on us to do the same. All part of the denial process. Try not to take it personal and look at it for what it is.......a symptom of the disease.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I can share with you my own perception of what I would try to do now if I were to deal with an active A now.
What comes to mind with your share is -What another thinks of me is none of my business. I might also say if need be “You might be right” I have found that talking to an A who is drinking is allowing my valuable energy to be used up, it’s like trying to be rational with an irrational person. I would ask myself –How important is it, that I need to state my case (my point of view) and my need to be right? If I know the facts, why do I need to state otherwise? Why do I feel the need to be defensive –to active A’s? The time they are there may feel like an eternity, however it will pass. Which imo, I would focus on. I would do all I can for my serenity. You have choices Julia. Detaching from this situation as best as you can is one. Keep saying the Serenity Prayer as much as needed also works for me. Keeping my side of the street clean is always a good feeling. I would get an extra large Q-tip (quit taking it personally) I can look back at all the things my ex husband said to me (just one A for an example in my life) and see it was the disease talking. I will admit it did hurt at the time, so I relate to what you are feeling. However, it was either false and/or said just as you stated you recognize that the A is placing the focus elsewhere. Glad you are here and in al-anon and have tools to help. It’s good that you let this out and thank you for sharing.
Thank you all...I so quickly forget the games they play when I am in the midst of the disease. It is harder to think clearly. I appreciate your words of encouragement. They are all going shopping with my car so I am going to stay home and relax! At least I will get a few minutes of peace today.
Sweetie, you are allowing these people to come into your home and make a wreck out of you!! Stop that! It is your home, and they can either stop it or try not to let the door hit them in the a** on the way out!
Are they doing illegal drugs in your house????? If so, please get them out of there. No one is innocent when the cops raid the place.
Try to ignore as best you can if you are going to have them stay. I find the best way to stop someone who criticizes is to agree with them. "Yep, you are probably right. I AM a ticking time bomb." Leaves them no where to go.
Hugs to you. Take care, Diva
((((((((((((((((((((((just me)))))))))))))))))))
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
And more, what I do, I completely ignore. I mean I pretend I did not hear it and do something else. I mean it!
I have never done this before either.
It worked great. I have rented my master bedroom and bath to this gal becuz she was homeless with a small income. She pays great.
My main concern was she be safe.
Anyway she is always saying you should to this or that, or did you do this or did you do that? like a Jewish mother thing.
The last thing freaken pissed me off, yes pissed me off. She went after my big pupdog who got out and I told her NOT to. I would take care of it. She proceeded to call him and there was a frigging car coming. I lost it. He was ok. she said more rude things.
Ever since then I am shortly polite. Period. If she says anything out of bounds I completely think in my head, "it is just the wind."
So, just what you wanted, a huge blab....
Anyhoo gads I would love to be 25 pounds over weight. And btw my gma was a large woman and she lived very healthily to be almost 106.
Focus on your health, eat good stuff. Eat fun stuff occasionally and go for walks. Most important, take care of you, be happy, and don't sweat the small stuff.
lol just start wearing overalls when she is around. That would really freak her out lol.
12 beers a night? hmmmm that's 1870 calories, I'm surprised she has room to talk...lol
I also agree with: Diva: if illegal drugs are being used in your home, they either need to get rid of them or leave.
and with Deb: ignoring the comments is best..or overalls..lol
Thank her for her concern and tell her to go drink another 12 pack and suck down another pack of cigs. uhhm wait, no, that is a pre-Alanon answer.. :)
You can change your weight, but she won't be able to change liver and lung disease. I'd opt for being overweight!
Anyway, An A is an A, most of the stuff that comes out their mouths while drinking is blah blah blah.. Try not to talk or listen to the disease, it's useless.
Hang in there! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks again for all the posts. I have been ignoring the comments and biting my tongue alot! My brother in law told me tonight they are going to die young from liver and lung disease. I did not say anything. I just considered the source as he slurred his way upstairs to bed with his 12+ beer in his hand. We did manage to have a nice dinner and the kids have been playing together well. So the holiday was not a total loss. My f2f is tomorrow night. Yeah me...I made it through the weekend without the old anger and rage.
