The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking alot about step 1 since I am starting this step journey.I struggled with powerlessness over 'alcohol' because I am not an alcoholic.Well, I AM powerless over alcohol but in a different way than the alcoholic is.I am powerless over how alcohol entered my life through my father and his father and who knows who else before that.I am powerless over alcohol being in the world and affecting everyone it comes in contact with.If they don't get addicted they still get changed by it if someone they are close to IS addicted.So, I am powerless over alcohol.
I got stuck alittle on 'my life had become unmanageble' because MY part of my life seemed fine to me.I have a good job, just got a promotion to a salaried position.I've been there 8 years.I only missed 2 days last year and it was because of a bad flu.I haven't taken any of those 'mental health 'days for some time.My bills are paid,no one is calling or threatening.Though stressful, I am doing my part to take care of my 90 year old mom ( she is NOT an A) who still lives by herself.The only thing wrong with MY life I told myself is the crazy alcoholics I have to deal with. No,I realize now that the only thing wrong with MY life is how I react to those 'crazy alcoholics'.When you are having rages where you knock over plants and break things, and scream at people, your life is a bit unmanageable.The rages started after I found my A sister dead in July of 04.My mom's health suddenly took a turn for the worse. I was having to go there alot ( an hour drive each way) As had been the way I was doing eveything at home.Paying bills,all the cleaning,all the shopping,cooking,I even was mowing the lawn because he refuses to,he says he gets out of breath.So I have to mow the lawn he might die and I can control that,right? Anyway,I asked him for help, no I yelled at him "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!! I CAN'T DO IT ALL!!! He agreed to do the grocery shopping and cooking but he just never did it.I took it back over with resentment.I also have 2 other sisters who are A's.One is drinking and one is dry drunk.They would constantly NOT show up to take my mom to doctors and it would fall back on me.The one sister lived 5 minutes from her and it would take her 3 days to pick up a prescription and take it it mom.But I never confronted either of them with the truth.I was ,and still am,afraid of their anger.Also my alanon mom (who never went to alanon) would have been angry at me for confronting them because she never confronts anyone with the truth,always puts herself last and gets walked over constantly by her A children.I know my sisters would have run to her as soon as I hung up the phone and whined about what I said to them.( they control me with that...I let them control me with that)Instead I held resentment and anger and it came out in rages at my husband.Unmanageable?
I think an unwritten component of step one,the unmanageability part, is that I also have to admit that I have not been managing and cannot manage (without the help of God and Alanon) my life.I have clung to the thought that I CAN manage it,I CAN do it! Well, ok, I have been doing it.My way leads to anger,resentment,rage, an isolated life,no needs being met,an empty love tank.And worst of all,distance from God.He doesn't want to be around that craziness.
Crazy alcoholics? Whose crazier? ...........so that leads me to step 3.Oh Boy!! Big one.
Thanks for reading this.I am so grateful for this board,the online meetings,and all the great people who keep coming here to share.
I can so totally relate. I have to care for my mother and I have 6 siblings. They are mostly A's and addicts. It is hard to do everything. I used to rant and rage and all I did was drive away the few support people I had. Now I am finding my way through the steps. I am seeing my part in the chaos.
The saying, "I can't, He can, and I think I'll let Him" comes to mind here. You are right we have to face that which has become unmanageable in our lives and admit that we can't do it any more. The hard part is that we have been doing it for so long that we just don't realize exactly when it became unmanageable. I personally had to ask myself "Would a sane person be doing this?" Hmmmm if the answer was no, then that part of my life had become unmanageable lol.
I can also relate to your list of things that are going well. I believe that those things only help us denie that part of our lives that has become unmanageable, just for the fact that we can recite the list of things that appear to be fine and are holding up under the pressure. The whole thing is that eventually we will hit our bottom and then we'll have to admit we just can't keep doing it all, at least not the way we have been.
The great news is by working the steps you are going to find relief! I just remember how amazed I was at the amount of stress that was lifted off of me. A good al-anon friend told me that "God/HP doesn't give you any more than you can handle.....But you can take on more than He ever wanted you to." I learned that I had taken on A LOT more than I should have.
Keep working those steps, there is no set speed that you have to move thru them, take as much time as you need, just keep working In this program there are no graduates, only those who continue to grow.
In this program there are no graduates, only those who continue to grow. 