The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
how do you get that connection back once youve grown apart? Someone else just mentioned this at my f2f and yes I identified - been feeling this for quite a while. Its especially glaring at me now that our 13yr son wants his own life, wants to hangout with his friends and not always his mother. My spouse chose not to be as involved with our sons life as I have been. But how do I get the connection back?
Barbara, I didn't even try, hard to do when someone was drunk or sleeping. What I did is fill up my life with other interests..and even some things I didn't think would interest me. I stepped and thought outside the box and had a blast. New friends, new places, new experinces. Volunteer, explore.....there's always something. True, it's sad that we can't get from our A's what we think need in a relationship. So why not fill up our lives with fun things rather then strive for the unnatainable?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me, it was when my children started becoming older...more independent...when I realized how unhappy/unconnected I was with my AH. Before that, it was easy to occupy my time with my kids. I don't know the exact moment, but it seems like one morning I woke up, looked around, wondered if this was 'as good as it gets', accepted he was an alcoholic...and then made decisions based on the facts in front of me. This was hard for me, but it got clearer as I studied the disease, started my own recovery and saw myself making healthier choices...slowly but surely...
Some people are able to find contentment with thier alcoholics by finding other things to do that fulfill thier needs such as the things Christy mentioned. Some people find that it's much too hard to live with an alcoholic in any capacity.
I state the above because I personally don't feel it's possible to re-connect with an active alcoholic. I don't think it's a piece of cake to re-connect with a sober alcoholic, either! Just my experience...
I don't think it's a piece of cake to re-connect with a sober alcoholic, either!
I'm finding that to be so very true. Once that trust is blown, it's so hard to get it back. My AH has been sober 29 months (and counting). I feel that we're further apart now than we were when he was drinking. I don't like it at all. I know alot of the blame can fairly be placed on me. I mistakenly thought that him quitting drinking would solve a great many of our problems. I thought that since many of the bad feelings I had were caused by his drinking, that they would kind of just go away when he stopped. Boy was I ever wrong! I also made the mistake of thinking that I could handle things on my own. Again...majorly wrong! It took 29 months for me to finally admit that I can't handle things on my own. I fear that it's too late, that too much damage has been done, but I hope not. I'm willing and ready to try. I know now that I have to work on me and learn how to get past old issues before we can work on our marriage.
Great question - but I dont think you realize that you are already doing it. You are taking care of you, physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Many of your recent posts have stated that you are doing things to take care of you in all of these ways.
It is very difficult to have a relationship with someone who has checked out of the relationship as a result of their disease. When I encountered this with my husband I started out slow. I, however, did not wait for the relationship to materialize and sit around on my thumbs. I did what I needed to fill the voids I felt with other things that made me happy. Eventually, things turned around with my husband and I. We dont have a perfect relationship by any means - things are better. When he gets in his out of control moods I detach and let him have his mood. I dont have to let it reflect on me and my mood. It is tough sometimes because that old familiar loneliness creeps in. When that happens I do what I need to do to take care of me - the best I possibly can.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
