My homegroup received some sad news last week about one of our members. They'd been absent from the meeting a few weeks. Another member updated us that our meeting member has been diagnosed with lung cancer. Of all of our members, I would say this meeting member is likely the strongest in service to our group and beyond. They love doing service and we have absolutely benefited. They are a hard act to follow because their love of the program has inspired them to often do a deeper dive concerning topics, meeting formats and newcomer orientation. Because of their enthusiasm and thoroughness and a lack of interest on the part of others to step up, they have held higher level service positions in the program for quite some time. 

The news of their illness came as a shock and the change seemed to happen so quickly. From the sound of things, I doubt they are coming back to us. And as you know, when these things happen the disease of alcoholism doesn't exactly take a rest or other problems in one's life for that matter and this is true for her.

The group has a lot of strong recovery but honestly she's been an inspiration and a person one can turn to in a meeting for an immediate answer about happenings at wso or the district. We're not sponsor and sponsee but we have bonded. Neither of us are from this state and have found comfort in one another as transplants to the area. 

I sent her a few texts since hearing the news to let her know I care and that we love and miss her. Cancer is such an insidious disease. One moment the person looks entirely well and then we hear this seemingly entirely well person is on oxygen and weak as a lamb. I've worked through the anger. I was angry with her. I remembered I'd gotten a lift from her once and her vehicle was like a walk in ash tray. I was surprised at the time and as she smoked I said I hoped she didn't mind my need to open my window. It was cold out that day. When I heard this news I progressed from feeling casual about her habit to judging her harshly. In my mind, I felt so hurt about the news I judged her program, judged her as an addict. I was standing my kitchen and my fists were clenched as I had these thoughts and I just had a meltdown. I cried and cried. It was the kind of tears and wailing of toddler whose joy upon the discovery of something new and living accidently holds it too tight and extinguishes it's life and beauty. Then I realized I wasn't really angry with her for being simply human trying to get through the misery of living with the effects of this disease. I told myself God was responsible. I then blamed God and began to cherrypick who God might have gone after instead of my meeting friend. Nobody I know personally but that was pretty awful. Then I realized how skewed that kind of thinking is and prayed for her and her family and our group especially her sponsees.

I asked her in text to let me know what she needs and our group as well. She said she would. I hope her sponsor will have more to share from her this week. The Serenity Prayer is helping sort of. I can be a better meeting member, more present, more aware of the newcomer and others in our meeting as we settle into acceptance of this and try not to lose hope. I do have power over those things.

Thanks for letting me share with you. My heart feels a little less heavy. ((hugs))) TT