Good morning, all.  I was up to take my son (my current A) to work at 3 this morning as usual, and I was thinking.  (I NEVER guarantee the coherency of my pre-5:00 AM thinking, so bear with me, please)

Before I found recovery, I was a victim.  If so and so hadn't acted in such a way, certainly I wouldn't have either.  If so and so hadn't done such and such to me, then I would probably be okay today.  I believed myself to be the victim so well, that I started putting myself into situations that actually victimized me.  As long as I believed myself the victim, I could not get better.  Now, I know there are situations/events that happened in my life that absolutely positively were not my fault.  It was NOT my fault when my drunk grandfather assaulted me.  There are other situations as well, but probably not best for sharing in an open forum, more of a private one on one...

Anyhow, I love the steps.  Because of the 4th and 5th steps of the program, I was able to stop being a victim.  The problem was, of course, that I found some comfort in being the victim.  If I was the victim, then it wasn't my fault.  If it wasn't my fault, I didn't have to change it - simply because I could not.  If I didn't have to change it, then I had all my excuses laid out before me. 

In doing the 4th and 5th steps, I was able to see my part in a lot of things where I had previously believed myself to be the victim.  I had thought myself "poor" because my "lazy A (now ex) refused to work a reasonable job.  I had thought myself overwhelmed because I had 4 kids and ended up a single mom.  The 4th and 5th steps allowed me to see where my part in that.  I remember the one that cracked me up the most was how I had thought it not MY fault I had so many kids... (ummm, seems to me I was there when they were conceived!!!!)

Anyhow, over and over again, I found the recurring theme of me believing myself the victim of someone else's behavior.  I was able to see how my own character defects drove many of my decisions, such as the men I chose to be with, the employment decisions I made, the friends I associated with, etc.  Although I may have been my own victim for most of my life and although at times throughout my life there have been times when I was the victim truly, for the most part, it was a comfortable choice on my part to be the victim.  Because then I was not "responsible" for my own behavior.

The 4th and 5th step allowed me to stop being the victim and to start changing.  Those steps, finally, for the first time in my life, took away all my excuses for my bad behavior and laid them bare  - I WAS responsible for my own behavior, good and bad.  Since that time of going through the 4th and 5th steps the first time, I have been able to see things from a much different perspective most of the time. 

Going through this program now from the perspective of being the mommy of an A, I had thought once again I was a victim of my son's bad behavior, his foul temper, his "delusions of grandeur", his absolute laziness, etc...  In inventorying the situation, however, I could see clearly where I have allowed myself to "be the victim" again, because then I didn't have to do anything about it.  I didn't have to be the mean mom and "throw him out" or enforce consequences (or at least let him face his natural consequences).  As long as I stayed the victim, I could continue to hide in my room and make excuses.  In inventorying the situation, I realized that it was MY guilt (mostly the mom guilt we mommies take on so well, but also guilt from things I wish I had done differently - but I had to remind myself - I did the best I could with what I had at the time...), MY fear (that I had failed as a mom, that he wouldn't love me anymore, etc..), MY insecurities and character defects (people-pleasing, ego/pride, sloth/laziness) that kept me hostage, not his behavior. 

So, once again, I am at the 6th and 7th step, ready to have God remove these defects of character, finding they no longer serve me as they used to and, in fact, that they are causing me harm and harm to those around me.  That the pain finally outweighs the fear of doing something about it.   

Well, I guess that's enough of my 4 something AM ramblings....

Karen