(((((Fedora)))))

Huge kudos to you for taking the steps to refocus on yourself!

Let me just say that you are definitely not the only one to have that feeling of just wanting to walk away and not look back! In my situation, I began to really hate weekends... b/c that meant more direct time with my qualifier, and zero ability to "forget" that I was married to an addict.
Yes, in your type of situation (kids), you do have to pull up those BG panties. But you can only soldier on for so long... your body will release the stress in many unhealthful ways. Someone once said to me, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." They were right. I just had to be ready for the change.

Sending you strength for the week and beyond!

Hi there. It's the weekend, and we're all snowed in. (First big snow of the season.) AH is already toasted. (I guess I can say it is past noon, sooooo...) Today I am trying to work my program. It's not nearly as hard when I am Out of the house. But now that we are snowed in, ACH.

Plusses for me: I made a point (for myself) about not asking him if he is drinking. (He is; so what purpose would it serve for me to actually hear it out loud.) I am grading papers all day so I am trying to stay focused on that.

Doesn't Feel Like a Plus but I *think* it is: We've had a rough week in that we started many days with an argument (or disagreeable talk which generally ends up with me crying at work). Despite my efforts to Not Engage, things get said. At one point he got super mad that I was kept referring to things I was learning and thinking about in Al-Anon. He said "they're filling your head with all kinds of stupid ideas!" Even in my most angry moment, I had to laugh at that. I thought, "oh, all my Al-Anon friends both online and at F2F group should pat themselves on the back". 

Plusses for the kids: they're outside with friends playing in the snow.

Sad but true: if I get lucky, he'll get toasted enough to pass out and I can get my work done. Right now he's just drunk enough that he can't figure out how to work his phone so he keeps coming out here to complain about his phone and people and everything. He did manage to send a text to 10 people with whom he is working that was long and rambly and, well ... thank god it's not to my work colleagues. He also got angry that his boss (a woman) didn't answer his rambly message back. In my less disciplined mode, I would have tried to point out to him that he just sent something that some people could find fairly offensive. But that would have definitely started an argument between us and that would be a waste of my day (since the text wasn't even remotely related to me or anything of my life). His monkey, his zoo.

Sad but true #2: in the middle of a disagreeable talk/argument recently, he said he would be willing to go to counseling. But I am pretty sure this is only because he wants the counselor to fix me and get me to agree to be intimate with him again. Regardless, I thought, well maybe I should explore this. But then I found out that many counselors are not going to be doing counseling sessions with an active drinker who has no plans to change. I was reminded that I should just get some counseling for myself. (Not by spouse.) I'm going to work on that next week.

My agenda for the day: finish my work. Make some cookies that one of my kids likes a lot. Call my family (of origin) members to check in on them and say hello. Remind myself that snow days for kids are pretty magical, and just because AH is in the bedroom being drunk, like I said, I could get lucky and he'll just stay there/pass out.

Finally, do some thinking about my relationship with HP. It has been non existent for years because I've been so angry. But I got to thinking that I need to try to get out of my own head. I feel like I am at the bottom of a well. AH is certainly not interested in climbing out of his hole. But I truly want to climb out of mine. I thought that I could start with a little meditation today on the Serenity Prayer.

I'm just putting it here to be accountable. I hope you are all having a nice weekend. If any of you are here in the middle of the country, I hope you don't have to go outside today.

Fedora, Accountability is a great thing. It can be the key to success. That said, thank you for sharing and showing/telling us how you handle day to day, minute to minute life. That's one thing that I've found, in my experience, people just don't get...and you do! So thank you.

That said, I got the "they're filling your head with" comments on several occasions. I used it as an opportunity to look at myself, my behavior, my contribution (to dialogue, conversations, discussions, etc.). What was my motivation -- if any -- in making whatever comments I made. Was it completely innocent, and was I simply re-stating a boundary, or replying to a comment made (by an intoxicated person), or did I have some other motive, did I initiate, or at least initiate part of it, etc. I wanted to make sure I was being, thinking healthy. I check my motives. Also, great for you -- you don't even ask if he's drinking, nor do you care. You do what you do, independent of him, what he's doing, etc.

Surrounded by it, in it...and YOU are focusing on YOU. I love it!!! Thank you so very much Fedora, for sharing the practical application, real-world, of how you work your program in the real world!!!