The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about anger. The writer went through stages of first denying that they ever felt anger, then being able to recognize it when it was happening, then blaming their anger on the alcoholics and feeling worse than ever. Once they learned to bring the focus back to self, they could look at their own part in a situation. Accepting powerlessness over alcoholism, knowing they cannot change it, they can still be angry, but express their emotion in the healthiest way possible, and then let the feeling go.
Reminder: Anger can give me an illusion of power and control over other people, but that kind of false security always lets me down.
Quote from One Day At A Time In Al-Anon: "No one can control the insidious effects of alcoholism, or its power to destroy the graces and decencies of life. ... But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives."
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I remember anger so clearly. It has taken a lot of time and work to transform that anger into acceptance, detachment, and serenity.
I am glad that our literature recognizes that we have these feelings, and it is OK to have them. We just need to direct that energy in a healthy way.
I once heard that anger is the flip side of fear. For me, my fear was that I would not be OK, that I could not handle what had been put in my path, and I placed blame for that -- on alcohol and on my loved one, so I was angry at a liquid and at a person. But higher powers -- for me that is the program, the group, the wider group of supportive people, and education -- those higher powers brought me through and I am OK, so much better than OK. I am pretty fabulous.
I hope you all have a fabulous day.
-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 6th of December 2019 12:04:43 AM
Thank you Freetime for the daily and your service....I too remember anger so clearly and still today have a physical reaction when it begins within me. I am grateful my recovery allows me to feel authentically and to use our tools to respond vs. react - I was a fast/furious reactive person before!
Today, I can actually feel my feelings, trust my program/HP/tools and determine the best next action/response to take. I am so, so grateful that I practicing pausing, praying before I proceed today - it has saved me many, many times. Life events and others do not have power over me today; I can and try to choose differently.
Happy Friday MIP family! Find and keep your joy - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the daily reading and share ((free time)) I agree, you are pretty fabulous! I appreciate your wisdom and service. Anger is certainly a big topic for discussion. I remember hearing it was just one letter away from d-anger. That's stuck with me over the years. That visual is a good reminder utilize tools like the Serenity Prayer, removing myself from a situation in order to calm myself, connecting with another Alanon for support etc.
My anger too was directed at the alcoholics in my life. Early in my Alanon recovery I bemoaned my childhood and blamed my history which I felt was tainted by being raised in a home with an alcoholic parent. It was my go to excuse for all the ways I wasn't showing up in my own life. I garnered a lot of sympathy from some in the rooms of Alanon who were enjoying a wallow in self pity as well. Misery loves company. But you can just vent for so long before it dawns on you that there really is no improvement, no progress, no solutions arrived at from a stance of righteousness indignation and condemnation of others as the cause for your unhappiness.
This is where the statement The alcoholics are not drinking at you but drinking because they're alcoholic was helpful. That statement was the catalyst for learning to let go, to moving from dependency to responsibility for my own happiness. Today I know this is my responsibility in all my life's affairs.
Having compassion when looking out at others rather than having expectations and a sense of entitlement concerning them, frees me from my own dis-ease of being irritable and unreasonable. It's insane to have expectations of someone who is drunk to do for me what I can do for myself. Yes, it's sad and lonely at times to seemingly have to go it alone when your heart aches for participation. I still feel that sadness and anger today but I'm no longer in that frantic place of looking for someone who will give me ideas on how to "fix" others. It's freeing to leave others in the hands of their higher power and not try be their hp. I don't have that ability. I am far from spiritually perfect and that is what a higher power is.
I have free will as an adult and am responsible for my choices. If I lead with gratitude, I'm typically less angry, less focused on what's wrong, less distracted, more present, more open to love of self and others and of greater service to my hp.
There is a reading in As We Understood. It's about a loved one who is repulsed by the sight of alcoholic sprawled out and drunk. In that moment they admit powerlessness to feel love for the alcoholic and ask their hp to be the channel through which they feel love for the alcoholic.It's a great example to me of HOW honesty, openness and willingness and courage as well. I want to hold onto this example and remember it at times when I may lose sight acceptance of others as they are. My hp is always there, just a prayer away to guide and help me and likes when I keep them busy :) Thanks for letting me share. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 6th of December 2019 09:58:00 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
When I dig down to its roots, for me, anger's base is FEAR.
Forgetting Everything's All Right
False Evidence Appearing Real
I'll also add a colorful: "F-ing Expectations and Resentments" or maybe just "Full (of) Expectations and Resentments"
Inevitably I get angry because I'm afraid of either losing something that I have or not getting something that I want.
Fear sets off a lot of knee-jerk reactions in me and turns many situations into fight or flight.
So when I look at the root of anger as being fear, I can ask myself what is the opposite of fear, and for me that is FAITH. Back to Steps One through Three: I can't. God can. I'll let Him. With an additional prayer for myself to help me move past my fears and remember God's my source and that no matter what, I'm going to be okay. Sometimes all this work unfortunately doesn't happen until maybe after I've lashed out. But other times I'm lucky in that I'm in a place where I'm present and can make a choice to respond instead of react.
...at my first meeting I was told that emotions were important. I thought about this, for a while- maybe years. I realised that I did have feelings and emotions- but I did not know how to express them.
And yes- I felt that anger and fear were two sides of the same coin. Another emotions-? Love, fear, grief, joy? Hatred- which is a part of anger, I suppose. And I learned to focus my hatred onto the disease.
I now believe that anger is a normal, natural emotion- and it has it's uses. In my FOO is was suppressed and banned, really. At least- the outward expression of it. It can be a motivator... ???
Thanks Freetime,