The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the writing for Monday, 12/2, the author discusses how easy it is for them to focus on their loved ones limitations. But they say all that does is keep the focus off themself, and nothing ever gets resolved. We are reminded to admit our powerlessness, as to avoid feeling hopeless, bitter, and/or frustrated. The author then says something quite profound: they complain about their loved ones verbal abuse, but in their own level of thought, they are just as abusive! The same attitude exists in both peopleit is just manifested differently.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The line about the verbal abuse existing in both people, hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. Lately I am bitter and frustrated, and Im paying way too much attention to my As shortcomings. I love this program even though at times, like now, I get a little lost in old bad habits. I must remind myself often to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. ODAT and progress not perfection, Lyne
Sorry for the day later response - thank you Lyne for your service and the daily! This very reading did to me exactly what it did to you the first time I encountered it.....I felt like I got hit with a 2 x 4 upside the head as I was so focused on the shortcomings of the diseased that I was in denial about my own part/words/actions/motives/etc....it was a much needed 'more will be revealed' at the time as I also discovered, for me, how much negativity in my thinking affects everything - my attitude, outlook, approach, actions.
I have the quote in my signature for a reason - practicing the pause and considering my next step has really, really helped me be authentic. A part of me has always been willing to react 'in kind' and recovery has given me a better way - to respond instead, often much healthier than before.
(((Hugs))) - loving an alcoholic is not easy! Keep doing you and so, so agree - progress always, not perfection!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing this reading from Courage to Change. It's a great reminder to keep the finger turned inward. When I've "perfected" myself then maybe I can be an expert on other people. Of course that's an absurd notion and certainly not a goal. Our program is a gentle one rooted in self acceptance and progress not perfection. So why then would I hold another to a greater standard than myself? Often it's a desire for a self serving outcome that is pure ego. My way, my thinking, my behaviors, my choices in that moment of skewed thinking become the model I believe others should follow. It can be masked in a "do gooder" attitude and belief about myself, a motivation to be needed or needing to feel superior, pleasing others, harboring a resentment etc. It up to me to figure out what my issues are. Certainly, receive negative responses from others when stinking thinking is acted upon can help to pinpoint my issues. The truth hurts but it doesn't have to. I can be grateful for an opportunity to look at myself and keep progressing in my recovery because things can become even more toxic if this stinking thinking is unleashed and I air my thoughts.
I have less issue with the thoughts than I do with voicing them. The thoughts are a signal of my dis-ease. Truly they're a gift because I can make a conscious choice to respond to them by journalling, temporarily distancing myself from a situation or person to regain my composure - sanity and serenity or simply say "stop" to myself or "god" in order to adjust my thinking in that moment. A prayer to my hp or call to another Alanon can help me not acting on toxic thinking. Ultimately, this means more program work, work in the action steps if I truly want to change my shortcomings.
Not facing myself by doing the program work necessary just allows me to wallow in self pity to feel I'm a victim of my past history, of others or less than ideal present circumstances, yada yada yada. What a great time to use "stop" and replace denial with getting honest about my part in outcomes. I can revisit these action steps by first offering gratitude to my hp for lessons that offer opportunities to learn how I can be more loving to myself and others in both thought and action. One day at a time I can change my thinking for the better which can only lead to more positive life experiences rather than enabling toxic thinking which can only grow more poisonous tenacles and perhaps lead to alienation by others or self righteous, self imposed isolation from my others and hp. As work on myself, I can ask hp, please be with me and guide my thoughts and actions today. Thanks for your share lyne and service. ((hugs)) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
