This is a tough one. I'm also one whose made a move but still long for my old home. I often say if I were ever to relocate, it would be the only place because of familiarity. I don't regret relocating. I truly needed the change at the time. But I had no real familiarity with my new home and that meant really having to find my way culturally, geographically etc. I'm just not up for that again and I know this. I feel like a fish out of water here sometimes but the person I love is here. I've thought about moving back and him coming with me. We've discussed it. He's very resistant but in the end I believe I could win this one. It would be at a price of course. I've visited home with him a few times and found myself caretaking him in an immense city. Although he enjoyed being there as a visitor, he isn't accustomed to having to be on high alert in crowds or the pace in general. Unlike your wife, I didn't move to his home because of him. Someone else was the catalyst for that but truly it was not love just geographical move to leave everything attached to the A in my life behind. I've lived a few places but this is the only place my significant one, my love has ever called home. He's more simple in his wants and needs than I am. And as much as he sometimes credits me for keeping him grounded as a recovering alcoholic, I tend to feel as an Alanon slipping away from step 2 more often than I care to admit that his continuous surrendering has me believing that he is adding a lot more to my life than I may be adding to his. I can be an Alanon pain in the butt at times. But I think its an easier adjustment for me to live more simply as we age than to uproot and move with him to a place that would culturally change him from somewhat unassuming to guarded and a bit lost. And what would I get? Im not who I use to be. My old home really is no longer my home. It's a part of my past. Those who are there have their lifes. I would have to be moving for myself not am expectation concerning family members because I might be disappointed. My partner and I are family first and we have no history with one another related to my hometown aside from visits. So, in a way it's enough to know he'd live there with me to be fair to me. I may not like everything about where I live but who does. At a distance. It's easy to romanticise where I use to live and long to recapture the best of it and build on that. But why not here? My hp didn't relocate. Your offer to leave is generous, loving. New beginnings can be exciting. We miss people but open ourselves to new experiences and adventures. I wish you the best as you create new memories and friends and give and receive love from family there. Im not sure from your post if you're ready or resigned. But when you love someone.... well, you know. (((hug)) TT

As another transplant, I hear you Jerry. It was bitter-sweet leaving Hawaii. She was my healing grounds - where I first started to "grow up" in my recovery - she took such good care of me and I miss her dearly (especially when it snows!!!) and I also miss my Hawaii Al-anon ohana dearly, as well.

I found the transition tough for me, even where meetings went. Mainland suburbia is just different from local community on the islands. I warn you that it's far easier to isolate in a big city than it is on a small (Big!) island. And even though our openings and closings are all the same no matter where you go, the culture is still different, so it took me some time and some inner attitude adjustments to build my new mainland Al-Anon family.

I know it'll happen for you, and you're correct - planes fly both directions, and since I gather you're going to be on the west coast it's even easier to hop a plane back to the islands.

The great thing about having "family" on the islands -you can bet someone's going to tell you they'd love to have you stay with them, so you don't need to worry about paying for lodging when you come back for a visit! Keep your Hawaiian airlines mileage account!

I know and trust Hawaii will always welcome you back with open arms, as she has for me. I now have a special savings account that I put money in to make visiting Hawaii once a year or every other year a thing. I was there this May for the Big Island Bash, and it was wonderful and I got to spend so much time catching up with all my family out there. It was a beautiful, special trip for sure.

Your act reminds me of our wedding vows earlier this year, written to reflect the 12 steps and traditions... more a vow to something much Greater, to the One Spirit and "new employer" who is Love and also everywhere, anywhere... vows to merge our desire for the highest good... to cooperate with each other... to harmonize... loyal to each other to demonstrate our capacity for divine loyalty... and caring for each other unselfishly... until our human love becomes the love of God.

I once had an attachment to my homeland and when I had my opportunity to go back, I was bitterly disappointed. I needed the lesson to teach ME that what I am seeking is not of this world, how often I forget I work a "spiritual" program. The recovery requirement for me is daily meditation because in that vast perspective, I am always "home" and peaceful anywhere.

From where I sit, you and your wife have BOTH rendered beautiful service to one another. I am sooo inspired and smiling here. thank you

-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 25th of November 2019 07:46:39 PM

 

 

I must tell you that your responses as usual have spoken to my heart and clearly define that we are family and your participation in my recovery is deep and real.  I have not gotten to the value of  my program alone for sure.  I am only one of the participants and members of it.

My HP is also emotionally affected as it reads along with me and lets me know that the give and take and consequences are what was intended when I first reached the doors of the AFG even though I then didn't want to be here.

I am sending blessings to my MIP Ohana and my HP listens when I do that.  I of course am not leaving MIP.  You guys are like skin on my body. (((((hugs))))) 

Oh Jerry--

You are taking this better than I am for you.

If it were some place else that you were leaving--but Hawaii!

I've never wanted to go back to any place I ever left, except for New Jersey--the climate, the openness of the people, the flowers, enough rain. But even then, the pace and the traffic would have diminished us all--we'd had enough of that after one year. I still long to find an area that is not as hectic to get to.

I've never had enough family in one place to get attached that way. So I can't think what that would be like. And the place where I grew up is a Superfund site, or should be, so there is no going back.

I hope it will be all your wife has missed. And I know you will be fine, ultimately. And I'll get over your not being in Hawaii at some point. Insert grinning Emoji.

Hugs,
Temple