The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been in program for many years and my family of origin still disappoints me. They haven't changed, so it's me that has the problem. My hurt is an old one. It's a small thing - call, email or send a card to acknowledge my natel birthday. I've asked, explained, and mentioned how important it is to me repeatedly but nothing. My siblings nor mother nor father seems to get it. Then any where from 6 to 9 months later, some meaningless package/gift arrives. There's no real communication during the year and even when I do reach out -they don't get it as we "travel" in such different life styles or activities - that they have no idea of who I am. Mostly they don't seem to hear anything I say. I should mention none of them has a known drinking or drug problem but are extremely wrapped up in own families.
They all tell me how busy they are and forget. The weird thing is that they will remember to send some inpersonal Easter card or some other holiday card. And here's the other thing - they seem to reach out to me right before when it is about to be their birthdays. I always try to do something nice for their birthdays and holidays. I don't do these things to get something in return. A couple of times, I've thought about not sending anything but that's just being like them. These past 4 months, I've chosen to stop all communication with my siblings to see what would happen. Guess what, nothing happened.
It's eating me up inside everytime this comes up. I've been biting my tongue because I don't have anything nice to say. There's a part of me that is so done as I don't see the point of trying to have a relationship with them. But I know that's not what the program teaches me.
What to do? I know I can't change them. How can I stop caring?
I don't think that our program wants us to forget our families, but to learn to dettach from their behaviors that bother us. Let it Go... If you want to do something for their birthday because you want to do it. If not, don't. Giving to receive is not a true art of giving. Some people are really into Holidays and others could care less, it is a personal preference. Try not to take it personally.
Do you really want to cut all ties with family? What if were someone were to die tomorrow, how would you feel? Life is not forefever and there are no guarantees that anyone will live another day. Take each day one day at a time and make it precisious to you. Don't rely on others to make it special. Do something for you, when you are feeling down.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I can understand your being hurt by your family not acknowledging your birthday. Unfortunately the bottom line is that you can't control whether they choose to acknowledge it or not. The only thing you can control in this situation is how you react to them not acknowledging it.
It can be very hard not to expect certain things from those we love. But for our own well being we have to learn how to not have expectations of others, because all that is doing is setting ourselves up for pain and resentment when the other party doesn't do what we're secretly hoping they will.
Some people just aren't good with dates. My husband is one of them. I on the other hand have a knack for remembering dates and special occasions. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he really has some type of mental block when it comes to remembering birthdays or other special dates. He's gotten better over the years with it and now even asks me to write down everyones special days on his calender at the begining of the year. Perhaps it's something that simple with your family and not something personal against you the way you're taking it. Even if the gifts they send don't arrive on any special day.......it does still show they're thinking of you and taking the time to let you know that.
Sometimes we have to appreciate whatever it is that a person has to offer us, even if it's not what we'd really like or expect from them. It's in our power to change how we react to others actions. You do have the power!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Ive finally given up on expecting others acknowledging my birthday or other holiday. Im the adult, its up to me to give myself the celebration I desire. Next year is a big milestone birthday for me and Im already planning on being in Disney World! Whoever wishes to join me good if not then I'll enjoy the time myself.
Have a Happy Birthday - go do something for yourself
Thanks - yeah, detach with love from their behaviors...I really don't like these "people" but have kept the lines of communication open just because that's what I have learned here. I'll be or at least strive to be the best person I know how, but it's a struggle. I know that their behavior is their business and it's not about me.
I'd like to fantasy that cutting all ties would cut the pain it causes me. But I know it won't. It's sad how mean or inconsiderate family members can treat each other.
The whole date thing - isn't about being bad with dates. There's something else at work for them - like they just choose to do their lives as they want and it's probably not personal. Just self centeredness, I suppose. Given my take on it, it's confusing to me about why I even care. I don't want to be stuck on these hurt feelings and know this too shall pass.
Knees, I know exactly what you mean. I have never understood why I am the only sibling that sends birthday cards and never once get one. Sometimes I get one from parents and sometimes not. Very strange. I asked my Brother once (who I know loves me very much but has never sent a card) if he remembered my birthday and he said "I remembered - I just didn't do anything about it". "lol"
Thanks! Nice to know I'm not the only one. The excuses I get are varied- usually it's a busy time of year and then I feel guilty so I don't contact you at all. But some how they seem to remember as their birthday comes around...one in-law who reaches out more than any of them, tells me not too be too hard on my sibling/their spouse...mind you, I've dropped the issue on my birthday - now, it's about any contact.
Birthdays are really superloaded for me. I must say that I still am overly senstive about them. At least now I can label it over sensitive. For me it is important to take that stuff slow work on what comes up. My own birthday is about a month away and my only way to control this is to take care of me. I ask but I no longer rely on others to do for me anymore. My own biological family is a quagmire of contradictions, expectations and manipulation(s) as yours seem to be. I could lose myself in a great deal of resentment about that but these days I am trying not to.
