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My adult daughter has relapsed again and again over the past few months after getting engaged. She has begged her boyfriend, who has a drinking problem also, to go to AA meetings and therapy with her. He refuses and says it's her problem, not his. Now he is verbally abusing her. Last weekend he got into a fist fight with s guy she was talking to when she was sober and he was drunk.This morning before work he was mocking her, and she said she couldn't believe the things he was saying to her. She called me, and because I'm worried about her, I told her to get a hotel for a couple days to let the situation cool down. She made a reservation. Now I'm feeling guilty I told her to do that.
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 18th of November 2019 03:07:01 PM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 18th of November 2019 03:21:21 PM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 08:29:29 AM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 08:30:41 AM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 08:31:18 AM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 08:32:58 AM
I get survivor guilt too, and shame... whether I do the right thing, or the wrong thing. Really I have no way of knowing the difference.
I do not start to get answers until I open my mouth. Somehow, somewhere. Until I begin to listen to other people's stories. And then I begin to learn what is right for me... ...
You have made the choice to be involved and need more advice. I remember doing that and hating that it never helped. One thing on this board is that we are directed not to give advise and in the program I was directed that way also from the fellowship and my sponsors, "or else you too become responsible for the outcomes".
As far as I can hear she isn't in the program so doesn't have the tools available to us or the outcomes from using those tools. What would her sponsor tell her? What would your sponsor tell you?
Sponsors as I have come to understand don't feel guilt when guiding their sponsees. I make suggestions from my Experiences, strengths and hope and leave the rest up to HP and the sponsee. Most often what I did in order to fix the situations between my alcoholic/addict wife and myself never worked out when I was not in and using this program. When I was wrong I was deeply wrong and when my alcoholic/addict wife finally sought the help of those who knew how to help, she got clean and sober Thank God.
Good having you here...keep coming back...prayers for you, your daughter and her alcoholic. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for your response. She has been to rehab 7 times, and two 60 day sober house stays. She currently is in therapy and goes to AA. She is trying to get her boyfriend, who also appears to be an alcoholic, to go to one or both of those.
My adult daughter has relapsed again and again over the past few months after getting engaged. She has begged her boyfriend, who has a drinking problem also, to go to AA meetings and therapy with her. He refuses and says it's her problem, not his. Now he is verbally abusing her. Last weekend he got into a fist fight with s guy she was talking to when she was sober and he was drunk.This morning before work he was mocking her, and she said she couldn't believe the things he was saying to her. She called me, and because I'm worried about her, I told her to get a hotel for a couple days to let the situation cool down. She made a reservation. Now I'm feeling guilty I told her to do that.
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 18th of November 2019 03:07:01 PM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 18th of November 2019 03:21:21 PM
BG, you should NOT feel guilty. I can understand why you do, but healthy, proper perspective MUST prevail her. You were worried about her health and well-being. You were concerned for her safety. YOU did the right thing. Period. Don't let the un-official alanon police here tell you otherwise. Your daughter, your parenting...your call!!! As far as her relapse, that's an entirely different story. Your daughter's BF has a drinking problem -- and that's just the tip of the iceberg -- and the bigger problem is how he treats her. How he treats your daughter! He is an abusive person. He is a bully. Too many people here stand on ceremony and have forgotten or just don't connect to the humanistic aspect of being a parent. If anyone here isn't willing to admit -- at least to themselves -- that if it were their daughter, they wouldn't be thinking, screaming on the inside, "RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY, NOW, AS FAST AND AS SOON AS YOU CAN" -- then they are simply lying to you. While I won't say -- as I don't speak in absolutes of right or wrong -- it was one or the other, the facts are the facts.
You did the right thing! Period. Let the unofficial alanon police yell and scream at me. I wish you all the best for your daughter -- and I admire and respect what you did.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Advice is a hard one
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is a hard one
Of course in an ideal world people want to be in recovery with each other
My ex husband went into recovery after I left him. I.doubt I had much to do with it
The issue is that in Al anon the focus is on #us# not them. An alcoholic (even in early recovery) with another alcoholic us a chaotic life. That is pretty much a guarantee. We come to al.anon to learn how not to be caught up in the sea of chaos they create.
That is the hard part. That us where the tools come in, the hard king say to day graft of focusing on you
The tools, the slogans, the work of the program is where the relief is. The rel i.u e is not from what your #daughter or her fiance or anyone else does# The relief is from the focus on you
Then it doesn't become did you do the right thing
There is no real #right thing# when people are living in the sea of chaos.
But for some of them when they see you in recovery. That is focusing on your self, boundary making, detaching, acting in self preservation that can sometimes affect them
I have had to work overtime not to be caught up in the #right thing#. My life has always been about doing for others. I think it was a li so all about #saving them# and also having them #save me#.
Nevertheless the relief Infound from.al anon has been incredible. Detaching is a major skill. Breaking down responsibility is a major skill. The other issue for me of course us boundaries. I am no longer as available as I once was. Now I am mainly available to myself. Checking in with me rather than checking to see if others survived
Many alcoholics are remarkably resilient. We believe they are far more fragile than they are. Their speciality is being on center stage. For the essential move was to make myself the center stage.
So I would say the #right thing# is to.make yourself the center of your life. Your life, your feelings, your goals. Everything else is after the fact because you have to Tahoe care of yourself first and foremost at all times
Maresie
Our book "How Al-Anon Works" has a page at the very front, titled "A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence." The first few sentences are:
Al-Anon's gentle process unfolds gradually over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house ...
It sounds like there is potential for violence based on the boyfriend's behavior you described, so I think your suggestion to your daughter was in line with this literature.
Be gentle with yourself. I hope your daughter is safe.
When I'm in what feels like a crisis situation, I will try to get to more in person Alanon meetings. There is support for you here and there is certainly enough to read on various Alanon topics that can help give one some peace. With that said, speaking for myself only, I find that I really feel less alone by sharing in person, receiving a hug, an hour of distraction and others who will follow up with calls to see how I am doing or are willing to receive calls from me. The more often I share in person and listen to others shares even those who are not experiencing what I am experiencing, the more am able to utilize tools of the program that can work in many situations. That's the beauty of the program. When I can't get to a meeting, I have found that calling someone in the program who I trust and know will listen gives me the most comfort. Typically, I feel less fearful and less alone. Although we are not a world service organization approved Alanon site, we do try to follow the Alanon principle of suggesting program tools that have worked for us. If you don't already know, if you use "search" on this board, you can type in a topic of your choosing and read the experience, strength and hope of others on that particular topic. Maybe you want to read more about "guilt" or perhaps "Decisions." What I will say, is that even though I can't really know your family situation, you and your daughter are the ones who know your relationship and each of your motivations, you sound like a loving parent from what you have written. There is recovery, compassion, understanding and support here. Prayers for you and your family during this difficult time. ((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
well I have an adult daughter and if it were me, I would have done what you did and more... insist she stay away from anyone capable of physical harming her. And I would not feel guilty whatsoever. when the house is on fire, we don't wonder what to do... EVERYBODY OUT
whenever my daughter phones me feeling frantic like this, she is including me and asking for help. so I do give my opinion and still I say "that is just my opinion." Often she does not take my advice so it is necessary for ME to not attach myself to the outcome.
If I attach to what she does, then I myself am hooked again on something I am entirely powerless over. powerless. powerless.
I so relate to your story, the story where everyone has an addiction to overcome. But there is only one in your story (and my story) we have any control over... ourselves.
My daughter has a very dangerous job and I am powerless over that, but not powerless over personal self-care. Never do I go to bed at night without first giving myself the very best there is, a deep meditation with Higher Power... FIRST THINGS FIRST.
take care of YOU whatever that looks like (((my friend)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 18th of November 2019 09:20:35 PM
(((Buckeye))) - I am sorry for the worry and fear you are experiencing with your daughter....I have sons and while we've had many 'events', they've typically been closer geographically. I know the distance would also cause added stress/fear for me!
When it comes to my kids and their disease, I really have to pause to pray before I proceed. Not that this gives me any great 'answers' or 'added wisdom', but it does help me align with my HP before I move forward. I have asked if they want advice, I have asked how I can be of service and I have also suggested they reach out to closer, program people since I'm emotionally invested. Since I am also in recovery, I have also asked if they are calling me as their mom or as a person in recovery - simply because many of our battles have been over my attempt to control them, their disease and/or their outcomes.
What I do know is that no matter the level of effort I put into seeking to understand and be of service, things rarely go as I want or think they should. There is no shame in wanting our kids to be happy, joyous, free, sober, safe, etc. I can't think of any parent that would not want that. Over the years, I have been reminded time and time again that they do have their own HP and it's not me.
When I have taken drastic action (called the police, admission against will, etc.) and have had guilt over if I did the right thing, time and time again I've been reminded that I took logical action based on the known facts at the time and again, there's no shame in being of service to another. I will never be a perfect mom or a perfect person - I just try to do the best I can in the moment with what I have. Be gentle with you and take good care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you to all who made comments. I feel I gave her the correct advice about going to s hotel, and getting out of harm's way, but unfortunately I'm still worried sick. She toKD me she didn't have any friends she could stay with,She said had burned bridges with any friends she ever had, even AA ones. She was supposed to go to the hotel last night, but I sent her a message about 10:00p to see if she had checked in, and she's never answered me. I know she is an adult and I should not worry so much, but it's hard when your child lives so far away, and you can't get a grip on what's really happening.
Thank you to all who made comments. I feel I gave her the correct advice about going to s hotel, and getting out of harm's way, but unfortunately I'm still worried sick. She toKD me she didn't have any friends she could stay with,She said had burned bridges with any friends she ever had, even AA ones. She was supposed to go to the hotel last night, but I sent her a message about 10:00p to see if she had checked in, and she's never answered me. I know she is an adult and I should not worry so much, but it's hard when your child lives so far away, and you can't get a grip on what's really happening.
Being worried sick does not help.
Sometimes in detaching we have to do it ine minute of the time
I lost count if the number of of times I was worried sick about the now ex A.
The focus has to go back to you and how you can deal with your fear (s).
Maresie
Really I have no way of knowing the difference.