The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The author of today's page was easily hurt by other people's anger or negative moods. It helped to realize that the other person's words or tone were really about what was going on inside that person. The author realized that extreme sensitivity was based on the belief that "I am the focus of everyone's actions." And that is a kind of vanity. In reality, does everything that goes on around me have something to do with me? That belief only hurts and controls me. The author is working on letting go of vanity as a character defect.
Today's Reminder: Other people are important to me, and sometimes their opinions matter, but I may be taking something personally that has nothing to do with me. Having opinions of my own about myself lets me accept other people's thoughts without being controlled by them.
Quote from Living with Sobriety: "It was through going to meetings and the daily reading of Al-Anon literature that I awakened to the fact that what other people did and said reflected on then; and what I did and said reflected on me."
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In the past, my reactions to other people's anger -- or even the potential that they might be angry or even slightly displeased with me -- was fear, and I would go to any lengths to avoid making someone else angry, disappointed, hurt, etc. I just hadn't developed any skills to cope with those emotions, and certainly not to realize that they did not necessarily reflect on me, or that I could protect myself from any perceived harm from other people's feelings.
Having gone through the difficulty of living with alcoholism -- and having the program at my side during the hardest parts, and working the steps -- I am much stronger and less likely to be rattled by someone else's outbursts. Having healthy boundaries is really helping me. I don't have to run and hide in fear, I also don't have to endure abuse, and I can make amends if something was my fault. It's hard to describe, but I just feel ... stronger and more flexible. I have tools and I'm not afraid to use them
Good morning Freetime and thank you for your service. I have to raise my hand as one who took everything/anything to heart said by those I care about/love.....perhaps also others that I did not even know that well. It was not fun place to be and certainly unhealthy for my self worth and esteem.
Imagine arriving at recovery to hear what others say and think of me is not only none of my business, but also a reflection of their space and not me! I had many questions on this simply because I had been raised in a home where I was taught differently. Judgement, opinions, advice, criticism flowed freely, creating a mindset of continuous competing and comparing....essentially, I had no identity until myself and again, it was unhealthy, exhausting and an intense way to live.
Today, I listen for content vs. intent. I examine what's to be learned from the words for my own growth and have the right to dismiss accordingly. I also have the right to listen and consider changes if applicable. I readily admit that I am an imperfect person who wants to keep growing and changing, and listening with an open mind helps me consider what's happening instead of taking it all to heart. I too have no issue using my boundaries to focus on myself, my growth, my sanity and my health.
Al-Anon gave me the tools to stand on my own with my own feelings, thoughts, intent. I am grateful today that I no longer tie my esteem/worth/emotions to the actions, words, deeds of another. I am off to golf today - enjoy a lovely day MIP family!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks FT for your service and both shares. What comes to mind for me is the concept of codependency, and I lived many years being crushed, controlled, and in fear, of other's behavior and opinion of me. Other people defined me as I had no self of my own, or at least one that I liked or respected. I've come a long way with program teaching and guiding me that I deserve respect and need to respect myself. I no longer collapse because someone else doesn't like what I did. And I never thought about the vanity aspect, but yes indeed, the world does not revolve around me! Lyne
Nice share on a reading. Me? I always said that a raised voice, or even a raised eyebrow could trigger me. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, or walking on eggshells are words I hear in the rooms. Never being sure of what would happen next. Mostly always expecting the worse. Though- looking back through the steps- the worse did not always happen. Sometimes there was a ray of hope- a moment of normality. But usually that did not last.
I always felt that having opinions of my own, as the writer says, was just as important as having healthy emotions. Being heard and listened to is an oxymoron, I know... but it is a treat being noticed sometimes... .
Vanity? Something the writer saw as an issue. Me? I could take that to a Step 10- if I needed. I sensed shame fear and anger a lot more than vanity. But none of the emotions were ever very clear. All mushed up. Needing trusting and flexible boundaries with the world.
I was at a meeting once where a member was ordered from the rooms for mentioning 'codependency'. So occasionally things happened in Alanon that seemed to reflect the drinking situation- "my way or the doorway'. A bit more than it did family recovery. But that was a glitch- and I mourned the loss of that member.
i found that using words like vanity and pride- bring up the slogan- :How Important Is It? Are these words to beat myself up with? I know I do have defects of character... ...but these are all forgivable.
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