The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Ive seen a few posts on this topic lately. When I first arrived, "acceptance" was very confusing.
For my entire life, I had the habit of outward focus. Al-anon helped me to begin a life of ministering to myself as well. It was not a knee jerk decision for me to leave my alcoholic husband, I stayed for over 20 years, in and out of counseling that entire time. By the time I crawled into al-anon, I had become very sick, wanting to end my own life.
So I am grateful al-anon helped me to love and accept my alcoholic husband just as he was (miracle!). He saw no problems with his lifestyle of drinking and drugging and all the turmoil it brought to all relationships, including ours. To him, there was absolutely nothing wrong and facts could not convince him otherwise. But can I know that this isn't the perfect path for him to get to God? I really cannot know that, I cannot know what is really BEST for him.
I am equally grateful that al-anon taught me to love and accept myself too (miracle!) I wanted a safe peaceful environment where I could grow and not shrink in fear taxing my nervous system and my heart, alcoholic insanity had affected my mind body spirit since childhood. I needed to share my life with someone in an equal and mutual relationship. Al-anon taught me that this was MY responsibility, to stop sacrificing my life (martyrdom) and live a life that feels more true for me.
I learned to accept equally that BOTH of us were wanting something different out of life. Thanks to Al-anon, I send my former alcoholic husband "love and light" prayers every single day... from 600 miles away. Live and Let Live.
Early in my recovery, I could feel my sponsor coaching me to stay in the marriage (she herself had strayed) while my sister was telling me to get out (she had recently divorced.) I have learned to observe the sway of well-meaning folks... projecting their personal solutions (for themselves) onto me.
This really motivated me! I wanted to know for myself how to stop looking outside of myself all the time for my life solutions. My entire life experience has been an invitation from silent Spirit to get more quiet and still in a relationship with Spirit... accepting that my life is very much a mystical process and nothing happens by mistake. I accept all of that today, the opposite of my old rebellion and resisting.
Just wanted to shine a light on the beauty of acceptance today. thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 13th of November 2019 09:35:39 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 13th of November 2019 09:43:37 AM
Thank you 2HP for sharing your thoughts on Acceptance!
I absolutely love this: "Al-Anon taught me that this was MY responsibility, to stop sacrificing my life (martyrdom) and live a life that feels more true for me."
I had to also accept that what I was getting out of my marriage was not what I wanted, and take the steps needed to create the life I do want.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
@ PNP, "projection" could also be a theme for the day, I noticed how your former AH projected his mind onto you in another post....
Recently an old timer projected their views onto me and how I should interpret program suggestions and I am just grateful that al-anon taught me
to ACCEPT and make peace with the human condition. All of us can only project the stuff that is sitting in our heads.
But I used to make others "stuff" my stuff, I once believed life was that black and white. until I learned about boundaries and staying in our own business. after doing a lot of inventory work (on myself taking in others stuff, lol) I can now stay peaceful and accept.... "that may be true for YOU but not be for ME." now I always ask myself, "is that true?"
"To thine own self be true" may be another way of "acceptance of what is." thanks PNP
Nice share, 2HP... ... when I joined 36 years ago I was told- 10% of wives leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of husbands stay with their alcoholic wives. That was the bad old days. And the saying was- "you made your bed and now you have to lie on it".
I followed my mum through all the stages of being with an alcoholic. It was tough and tricky, for her sometimes- but she came out all right. Mum and dad used to drink together lots. Then mum became friendly with the publican's wife- and got to work behind the bar. What she saw and heard there, sober, really opened her eyes. And this was her change of direction. She did have a copy of ODAT- but is still looked brand new when she died.
The big changes i noticed most was with our kids. Young son was playing up in the supermarket. The old lady was thinking- 'give the kid a bloody whack!' And the young mother at the other end of the aisle was saying- "Don't you dare touch that kid!"
I think Alanon has grown and changed- in terms of being more flexible. But then the basics still prevail.
Deny is the opposite of accept. Have heard a lot about denial, over the years, too.
Even when I was young I seemed to take things face on- and i could see through a lot of things.
The local policemen was our foreman when i started as a field worker, part time, at the age of 12. I saw him go into the boozer and get grog for nothing. I knew there was going to be no help from that quarter.
And what was worse was the denial within the family system. That nothing was wrong. So why moan?
Anger- does not describe the way I felt. Rage does.
We do have to end up ministering to our own selves- in the end. No one else will. Waiting for someone else to step in is fruitless.
Not sure is my share here was appropriate. It is early morn here- and early summer... ...so hey- I can ask- and why not. I now have to courage to do so- with out being told- not to bother... ...
This is what I love about "take what you like and leave the rest" where it comes to projecting.
Too often I read between the lines of someone's share and somehow think it's an instruction list (often an instruction list aimed directly at me, even if it was never said to me). This is work I need to do on myself - remember to not take everything I hear as gospel, even from well-meaning people. The question "is this true for me?" is very powerful.
I think this is why it's so important that I watch myself in my shares and make sure I say "I felt this." or "I learned that." instead of "We feel this." or "We learn that." I do get that Al-Anon is a "we" program, but I think those "we's" are for the steps, concepts and traditions. I used to get very triggered by people sharing at meetings saying "we" in place of "I" for what's really a personal share. I eventually learned to pretend in my mind that the person really was saying "I" instead of "we".
This is something I check back in on myself with my sponsees, as well. Am I trying to nudge them to live by MY standards, or am I asking them questions that can help them figure out what's right for THEM - not me.
Acceptance is a gigantic step for me. Being the perfectionist that I am, nothing I ever did was good enough. And if I made a mistake? Oh boy, I beat myself up terribly. I eventually learned that perfectionism is self-abuse. Very gradually my HP has scraped away the thick layers of perfectionism from me and I now accept my mistakes with more grace. Not always. But much more often.
I can do that with others in my life, too. Remembering that everyone is doing the best they can with with they have at that given moment.
When in doubt, this is where I keep putting everything into my HP's hands.
Release me from self-doubt.
Show me my truth.
Grant me self-forgiveness.
Grant me softness and kindness in my relationships.
But ultimately, it's always "thy will be done", because who knows if some flub on my part was exactly what another fellow human being needed at that moment.
Thank you 2HP and all the other shares. I could stay just on the topic of acceptance 24/7, and sprinkle in the rest. For me, acceptance is my struggle. There will be days strung in a row where I feel I can finally check it off....and then days and weeks that I rail...at least inwardly. Then I get so tired and worn down.....I am back to surrender and acceptance. I do feel progress however and I am very grateful for that. Interesting about being coached according to others' journeys.
I was reading a novel the other day and it said something like..."I always expected that things would be normal, even though they never have been." This really struck me. I'm an ACOA who now is finding herself with a husband developing a drinking problem. I'm having a super hard time with acceptance. We've had what I considered a pretty good relationship but now I am finding that I have a very hard time with his behavior and choices. We've just retired and moved, so my support system is less on many fronts. I've just started attending Alanon after a few months of thinking about it. I hope it will help. I have all of these dreams about my future/our future and now I feel that they are all in jeopardy. I guess I have to grieve my expectations and just see what happens...need a tattoo or something of One Day At A Time, as this is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do.
This post is really good...it shakes me mind, body, spirit and emotions because I relate to your method of relating to it. For me I decided that it was okay to walk away from my insane relationships with alcoholics and addicts and finally seek and find "the" method I could accept and justify as proper for me. I have never found the perfect method or even the most acceptable. I have found that I can do better with a Power Greater than myself and to use that method constantly. Mahalo for the wisdom. (((hugs)))
Excellent reminder 2HP acceptance WAS not MY STRONG SUIT. i attempted TO change everything that made me uncomfortable. Accepting that I was powerless seemed like defeat I needed to act. It never dawned on me that many things need to be accepted as reality and that I needed to develop a means of interacting with it in a healthy constructive manner Alanon tools helped.
freedomssong - welcome to MIP! So glad that you found us and glad that you joined right in. I do encourage you to keep attending Al-Anon meetings and to try different groups. Al-Anon can give you support and tools to help with the disease and the diseased. Keep coming back.
Great topic 2HP and thanks to all for the shares and ESH. For me, when I am fighting acceptance of another person, event, etc. I can see and feel how much it actually stifles and hurts me. Others move forward, or aren't obsessed with 'it' and I see me still, in a state of sadness and battle. When I can instead come to a place of acceptance, I too am able to move on - this can be way harder than the simple words I've written for me, for sure.
I am better today at not getting all wrapped up in the right/wrong, good/bad of it all yet I still have this 'element' of me that wants to over-analyze. I can see progress which gives me hope that with continued practice of program and continued trust in the God of my understanding even more progress will happen.
One thing that has helped me often is a fundamental belief I have at the core of my spirituality which is that the God of my understanding really, really wants me to be happy, joyous and free. Keeping this front and center in my life helps me return when I stray and helps me practice acceptance in all my affairs. In keeping things as simple as I can, I bump up life events against the Serenity Prayer, and work with others to help me change the things I can. Progress, not perfection really serves me well....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome freedomsong!! From where I sit, you have already practiced some awareness and acceptance that YOU need help living with alcoholism and acting on it by going to meetings...
I came to that conclusion too. just seeing myself in misery and accepting I could not do this alone. I really needed a new program uploading into my system - a daily program with others who understood.
I hope my post did not imply that my acceptance ever came easily, I actually wobbled back and forth for a long long time. partly because of the nature of the disease itself... he made sense some of the time, he'd be his old lovable self and things would feel nice again. In turn, I'd beat myself up wondering, "WTH is wrong with me... everything is fine... whew, thank God...."
Over time (like, years) I began to see that pattern in our relationship.. whatever he did, I had a reaction to it.
For me, Recovery (gaining back a true and honest life for myself) is very much a process, one day at a time (LOVE your tattoo idea, why not? whatever works. I used to put post-it notes all over the house for myself, "Trust Trust Trust... Trust God who loves you..." I also needed notes that read, "Just practice (having trust)...just practice just try..."
I began going for long walks to get calm again... to release the urgency to do something... i worked hard to keep myself "quiet and still." thats all my sponsor told me to do in the beginning... to stop stirring up the muddy glass of water (me) and let it get still. Quiet and still... quiet and still.. calm, calm, calm... taking care of ME whatever that looks like.
my sponsor also said that our awareness (coming out of our denial and permitting my real feelings) is "half the battle".. now I had permission to stop sweeping my feelings under the rug and minimizing how living with alcoholism feels...
So yeaaay for YOU (((hugs)))
To (((everyone))) who replied, the light in me bows to the light in YOU
Thank you all for the warm welcome. I had a significant epiphany this morning around acceptance. I'm a retired school counselor and have always believed in talking things out. However, I became aware that I developed a behavior years ago where I used talking it out more as a method to try to control the situation/change the other person, rather than just expressing my feelings. This morning, I cuddled up to my husband, as I wanted to express that I love him, but I realized I didn't need to say anything, as anything I did say at that time would likely be for the purpose of trying to change him. This was a coping skill that I learned as a young COA that I can now choose to give up in the name of acceptance. Letting go of this can also help me to accept myself more...
Acceptance for me, had two starting points at the beginning. So, at the beginning, I didn't have it, and had to begin a serious, laser precision focused doing the work on Step One. Acceptance. That entailed, first, a long process which ended with me realizing that acceptance didn't mean I had to accept everything going on around me and doing nothing about it. Personally, in my experience, I see far too many people collapse acceptance and believing they aren't supposed to, don't have to, and shouldn't, do anything about what's going on around them. Acceptance, to me, doesn't mean doing nothing. Acceptance doesn't mean being a victim. It doesn't mean I have to take getting punched in the face everyday. So, acceptance had to be put in the proper, healthy perspective and context.
Second, I immersed myself in acceptance. For one year, I focused on acceptance, not as a state of mind, or convincing myself of it, but more something that became innate. A new way of thinking which became innate, a new way of being. But, beyond that -- where it is about Step One, and not the words "admitted we were powerless" -- there is a difference between admitting and acceptance. Acceptance means no longer trying to fix it, control it, convince, prove, it means it is about me, not the other person. What they are doing, saying, who they are being, doesn't cause me to engage, get on the roller coaster, and so on. I know longer analyze and look to explain or understand what or why they are doing what they are doing. Even here, in this forum, I see the collapse between AA and alanon, and so much conversation is focused on why the alcoholic says this, does that, behaves this way or that way, and so on and so on. For me, that's not me staying on my side of the street. That's not me keeping my side of the street clean. I say -- at best -- it's me being on my side of the street, sweeping my side of the street, BUT spending more time looking at the alcoholic on their side of the street. It's me stopping sweeping my side, standing there, holding the broom, and looking, observing, concentrating, etc., on the alcoholic on the other side of the street. Then I start pointing out what they are doing, following what they are doing, etc. That's not acceptance. Not for me.
Acceptance was about giving up and stopping ALL of the things I used to do, all of the efforts, all of the opposition. That becomes SURRENDER. I stop fighting it. I surrender to the feelings, I accept them, I feel it, exist in it...and then I let it go. Surprise!!! That's doing the work. That's recovery. That's getting better. That's being healthy.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
hey 2HP...that was one of the best shares I've seen on how Al-anon can work for us, living in the truth, not a haze of BS and rationalization, etc., acceptance---after the grief, anger, and even rage, I am coming to acceptance...my life was what it was..is what it is and I have the freedom to make it better as long as I keep the focus on me.......thanks for your great share...I really enjoyed reading it
I have had another revelation. If I.dont step in and help people (when they are not even asking for help) I resent them
I deeply resent them because I believe my only role is to help them!!
My only point to be here is to change things.
Ew
Maresie
Excellent reminder 2HP acceptance WAS not MY STRONG SUIT. i attempted TO change everything that made me uncomfortable. Accepting that I was powerless seemed like defeat I needed to act. It never dawned on me that many things need to be accepted as reality and that I needed to develop a means of interacting with it in a healthy constructive manner Alanon tools helped.
Thank you for this honest share, Betty! I learn and have many "AHA!" moments through the members here!
I believe that this was me to my core. Not only did I want things "smoothed over," but I could not accept defeat (or acceptance if you will). Even now I am noticing the layers of the onion being peeled back... I am doing better, but I can still work on a means of interacting with "What Is."
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you all for this share. I love reading about acceptance because it's where I most struggled for YEARS! Today I can rationalize things and turn people over to their Higher Power. It's never a perfect process for me but it's definitely easier today. I am so thankful for this program today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
From our literature I read a while ago that acceptance was not about the morality of a situation only that the situation occurred. I don't and didn't need to judge anyone or anything. I could acknowledge that it had a reality and then let it go. This made sense to me and I found it easiest to do and then move on. Great post. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Sunday 17th of November 2019 11:20:38 PM
Thank you 2HP for sharing your Alanon recovery journey and to all who responded. There is so much experience, strength and hope in this thread.
"My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance."
I've always liked this Alanon reminder. It's rooted in self love and even more so in love and trust of my higher power who guides my life each day. Giving up control and surrendering my will each morning and thanking my hp at the close of day is the ritual that keeps me present and aware of how my life is unfolding according to god's will. "Thu will not my will be done." Only because of Alanon have I been able sense hp's will. When things feel uncomfortable I pray for wisdom and act hp if action is required now please guide me and because of the program I can better resist the impulse to do something immediately rather than wait. The need to always be doing something about something is lifted by surrendering each day and going about day to day things. Life is never stagnant and unchanging nor would I want it to be. But my serenity is more easily maintained by not trying to get ahead of my hp but rather accepting this day only and with gratitude for my life. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
TT - I love this share: "...not trying to get ahead of my hp, but rather accepting this day only..."
The thought of "getting ahead of your HP." I never really looked at it in that way, and now this is opening my eyes! TY!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
So need this post and to come back to it often especially now as I find people, places and things not up to my standards (lol). My expectations are that life simply go my way without me messing with it (lol) and then comes the reality.
I choose to accept or choose not to and reap the consequences. My guidance from my former sponsor, "choose the consequence you want and then do the things necessary to achieve it".
Program WORKS when I WORK IT. I know what I must do for me today I know I must stick to it or suffer the consequence which I'd rather not.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom (always) to know the difference.
... when I joined 36 years ago I was told- 10% of wives leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of husbands stay with their alcoholic wives. That was the bad old days. And the saying was- "you made your bed and now you have to lie on it".
...
Thanks.