The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am grateful for the feelings that Alanon gives me. Of love and joy- and family. I did have to wade through anger, fear and grief to get here- because that was not dealt with, in my world, in a healthy way.
When I was 15 our english teacher was the vicar's wife. I had a schoolfriend who died that year. So, when his funeral was held our class got to go down and form a guard of honour outside of the church. The initiative of our english teacher. We never went into the church. But it did give me an inkling of what grief was about- and how to mark the rite of passage out of this world.
Our brother passed this day last year. I was able to go out to he USA and deal with this. I have shared about this before. I am grateful to know that I no longer have to go over all the details- which means that I am moving on.
I tried to deal with my sister and two remaining brothers. And one brother has been involved. I had a memorial notice in the provincial paper this morning, with a photo of him.
Yesterday the local veterans and supporters marked Remembrance Day down at the cenotaph. I had my grandfather's diary in my pocket. I had never ever met him because he died in 1946. But i wept for him too. and the fact that he died young. Our other grandfather was struck by a bullet close to the heart. He had a Methodist hymnbook in his tunic pocket and this took the impact of the bullet. He was wounded but he survived.
The deep silence and grief after the two big wars people still talk about. Drinking was often the anaesthetic people used to get through. And the community accept this, as the price of service.
There are some theories around that family still carry the emotional impact of this silence; not only where war is concerned- but for life itself.
The manager of the RV Park where Martin lived was ready to let him go. He was a VA former sergeant- and I convinced him to keep him on because of the family war record. So Martin passed away close to the door of his home this time last year. And the veterans who were his neighbours pitched in and helped me tidy up and keep faith with the camp manager- who had shown our family his support.
I was the flag raiser at the ceremony yesterday. The bugle player was the local pharmacist... the was a strong sense of comradeship and purpose. My friend Tom is 99 and a veteran of the Pacific war. He was asked to take the wreath up.
All these memories swirl around. These parades and ceremonies are full of deep abiding emotion. They are not the horrible starchy pointless things I thought they were in my youth.
We had drinks afterwards- and a wind-up- which is a ritual too. I drank ginger beer- but after thirty or forty minutes we packed up and went home.
So I can spend today facing forwards...
...with hope, and gratitude. ...
Later, Tuesday morning...
one brother is coming on Sunday to scatter the ashes with me... progress, not perfection... ...
-- Edited by DavidG on Monday 11th of November 2019 03:08:57 PM
((DAvid)) Thanks for sharing your feelings. I so understand grief and loss i often feel it has lifted only to find it right in front of me. Prayers continue
I too appreciate the share David! Grief is one of those events that is so very, very different for everyone. I do believe that we really never get over it, we just get through it...I do believe, no matter who we are, when we feel, we are being real...I also believe that we aren't designed to only feel joy, and we do keep learning and growing most when we are authentic, no matter what that looks like.
I spent a ton of time in my FOO not able to show emotions. I still at times struggle with that simply because it was a strategy that worked for a long while, until it didn't any longer. I love that we're only focused on progress, and not perfection which allows me to be authentic as possible and that includes imperfect!
I hope all goes well with your ash spreading....sending you (((hugs))), positive energy and peaceful prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you David for not only sharing your story, but your emotions as well.
Hoping all goes well tomorrow.
Wishing you Peace!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks David for your memories and recovery journey. I have memories of passing family and friends and most all of it is program attended which for me results in comfort over the entire journey. In my family of origin I was titled "The lone Ranger" which meant I was often separate from them and by choice. I didn't form close attachments which gives me detachment of feelings...emotions and acceptance of powerlessness over losses. I get to participate thru the stories of others. Mahalo. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Jerry, P., Iam, and Betty. Our stepfather passed about 13 months ago- and when it came to the funeral my two remaining brothers were asked up to speak but I was not- it was pretty gutwenching. I actually walked out- to the back of the room.
There are some one-in a lifetime moments in some families- where someone decides to "play for keeps". And there is no way back. No repeats. And that is how a lot of alcoholic families operate sadly.
This Sunday one brother is coming up from the city to participate, with me in spreading the ashes. We are going to a location he chose. He is one who refuses 100% to have anything religious happen around death or dying. I have the ashes here at home- and went up to the site this afternoon. So anything remotely spiritual that i needed to say and do have already been done.
But the most spiritual thing, really happens round family- or should. And i will have half my nuclear family, now in one place on Sunday. Plus our SO's, and one or two more, maybe.
Our kid brother came out to Texas to fly choppers. He was a bit naive- at the best of times. He got his fixed wing licence. And then his chopper pilot ticket. But then He could not get a licence because he was not an American citizen. His papers show that he did try. Bu the hung in there with his American dream.
I always knew that he had shares in Rolls Royce. He got them in London in 1987. I always thought he might be able to cash them in and get some health care sometime. Found out that they were worth about $US 4,000. I have the copy of the shares. But when I checked them out that had lapsed about 11 months before he passed last year.
One thing I found out about death and dying- is that- at the time- it is the little tasks and symbolism that seem to count the best. Like getting to put a sprig of green on the coffin- that sort of thing. While i was in Texas i got ripped off badly- on one item. But attorneys I went to were just wonderful. Warm and friendly.
Being a visitor may have helped. But they surely rolled out the welcome mat.
They did not make a fortune out of our family- but I sense the spiritual side of the southern baptist belief system- the family side. And the sense of loyalty. It was awesome! ...
Time has healed surely- already... because i had the chance to get involved and engaged. I got to a meeting while over there- that proved to be a turning point. A place of loud and robust contemplation... [rather than quiet contemplation, y'all! ]
I feel like an honorary Texan sometimes. Our Miracle In Progress groups had their genesis under a bridge near Dallas. My brother being here- and John F.'s testimony sort of drew together here, for me - some spooky spiritual way- which ah caint explain... ...
Me and John were brothers in arms- fellow cowboy types...
...we both knew how to twist a piece of No. 8 wire into a shape- and make nothing into something...
...
hope comes from impossible places. ...
te piko he taniwha, he pito he takata [translates the above]...
Thank you for another word painting. The poet in you makes me able to see what you are describing.
When a family member passes, it seems to me to be a blessed time, as well as a sad one. It is as if the divide between here and the hereafter is bridged and we are reminded once again how precious life is, and how fortunate we are to have had a connection.
The rituals and the "doing for" are important.
Thank you for mentioning John. Every time I think of him, I am blessed again. I like knowing that the two of you met.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Temple. Y'all kin call me Dewi Bach... Dewi being the diminutive, of Dafydd. Dave, in other words!
In Maori it is Rewi, and Rawiri...
I began writing when young because I was not being understood. I realise now that I was capable of being understood. I was lucid- but there was not much of a culture for thought and discussion, a lot of the time.
Ah do tend to compensate, or to talk louder and louder- which was a way of being heard in my FOO. Or to clam up.
I am recalling my ten days in Texas- which was gruelling. And am still processing the thoughts and experiences. But good grieving comes through here. And I am so grateful to have that facility. And shared grief is ennobling... somewhat an ultimate form of intimacy.
I am so blessed to be able to walk with you, and with other of our members- in friendship, in faith... to she some of our deepest thoughts. To joke sometimes... and even to kid one another... to experience the joy and peace of the program! ...
I sometimes call Alanon- gals and pals, laughter and tears- and a good measure of both. ...
...just being able to talk and to think is a blessing to me.
Hi David, I've been reading along but not responded until now because I lost a very close family member at this time of year and many of my feelings were resurfacing around that. I didn't want to go off in another direction concerning all of that. The death of my family member is some years ago but certainly less than a decade. I, too had no idea how I would be received by others when I arrived. I felt blessed to have the Alanon program but fear loomed large that not only was I grieving the loss of a parent, I might experience rejection and abandonment from unrecovering family members. We grieve how we grieve. Each different than the other. One thing in my humble opinion that we share in this process is a feeling of vulnerability. Some reel against it while others surrender to it and accept being out of control of emotion from moment to moment. But our program fortunately gifts us with tools of compassion and acceptance of ourselves and others. It gives us by our own choice to see the best of it and find the best in ourselves and others and as Alanon teaches us, When god closes a door, he often opens a window. Who would have thought the sadness of releasing an imperfect soul would have such power. It brought others together, a celebration of life and even a picnic that others didn't want to see end. You will always have that wonderful memory. Wishing you continued peace as you grieve and positive future connections with your family of origin. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 17th of November 2019 03:50:19 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
yes... I wonder too- what the boundaries are here... ...and I suppose, as members, we can gently push the boundaries with our shares to test the waters. Unlike a F@F share we are not stuck with each and every share.
My title is very clear- and someone who is likely to be triggered can just pass by the topic.
In some of our families people do not deal with grief very well- if at all. Well that was my experience. But I have found that closing ranks and talking about things is really healing- And it does create family bonds- that might not have existed before.
I skip some of the threads here- because my immediate experience with addictive drinking is well behind me... and I leave answers to those who are closer to the issue. Occasionally, if the bulk of US members are fast asleep, I might welcome someone to the group.
I think the trend is for members to talk with their sponsor, or to a therapist, or maybe a pastor... and leave group sharing to more general topics. My own need to share immediate issues, or deeper and troubled issues is more or less behind me. I am much more sensitive now [I think!] to what the group conscience is- or where it is headed.
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