The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C Reading for 11/5 speaks about the importance of examining our motives. it suggests that many times we speak in order to change another or to manipulate them into what we want.
The reading suggests that having the courage to look closely at ourselves in order to uncover what we say what we do, This is a huge step in uncovering are negative defects ands helps us to become willing to let them go an to develop new constructive ways to communicate.
Thanks for your service Betty and oh yeah I can relate to this. Step 10 before I do something involving another, check my motives, are they upfront and honest? Or am I trying to manipulate? In the old sick family of origin, manipulation and subterfuge and deceit was the only way to survive and get anything met in the way of needs, thank goodness I can be honest and upfront and direct it feels so much better
I can identify with speaking or acting to manipulate my aw before program. I thought my motives were good at the time. I was trying to keep her safe, keep her alive, keep a roof over our heads. But in the process i realize that i was accepting living with the unacceptable and trying to control. Even the things i asked for when she stopped drinking: attend aa, go to counseling, take prescribed medications as prescribed...all seemingly healthy things to all for...still me trying to control. I'm coming to the realization that my wife has her own path and her own higher power. I need to set boundaries about how i am willing to live, not what i expect her to do.
One of those realizations that comes slowly as i stay engaged in Alanon and continue to get healthier myself.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I can relate to this reading. I know when I am around an alcoholic addict my bearings go AWOL. Their chaos is difficult to endure
I have to constantly refocus on my own needs. I have been doing better dealing with my supervisor who us an alcoholic. I had to really strategize what to do.
That strategizing did not include fixing her or saving the company. Those would have been my only solutions in the past
Oddly enough the supervisor has been nicer to me lately. I believe that is because I have not been reacting to her in the same way. Her behavior most definitely is a trigger for me. But there is a marked change in how I respond to that trigger.
Ideally I will not have to work for her for ever but in the meantime I can take care of myself.
Thanks Betty for your service and all above shares. I had a serious talk with my A yesterday who drank Friday night. I not only had to examine my motives before this chat, But as a sideline, what goal (s) do I want to achieve? She was afraid I was going to leave. I learned that she is doing the steps with her OA sponsor, and a few things seem to be sinking in. I have a ray of hope that some small change could occur. I will have no expectations. I will take it ODAT, Lyne
Thank you Betty for the daily and your service. Boy! Do I relate to all who shared today! Especially Skorpi.
Towards the end, I was my spouse's "personal manager" for sure! In doing my Step 4's, I realized that I did not have faith that another could handle their tasks/life/whatever as well as myself... so almost everything I did was to "manage" or "fix" another! What an eye-opener!
I was able to quell this behavior in me with my first venture into Al-Anon with my son... but not my husband. Probably b/c I was still living with marital expectations, financial fallout, social embarrassments etc. There was always some fire to put out. I thank my HP all the time that I recognized this in me and began to "pull away" in regards to raising my son. From his 5th grade year on, I managed less and less for him. Each year allowing him the gift of making his own decisions (age appropriate), feeling the repercussions of his actions, and the benefits of his own hard work. I will not lie... it was difficult at times for me! LOL! But today, I am so glad that I worked through this, b/c I was NOT doing him a service as "that Lawnmower parent!" I see real positive, healthy growth in this "new adult!"
In regards to my wasband, I now try and Practice the Pause and examine my motives on what I want to respond with. Am I trying to change a behavior? Is it loving or at least empathetic? Does it really need to be said? That kind of thing. Most of the time I can do this. I was/am honest with myself in that I know I could not handle this well as a couple - that was hard to admit, as that meant I could not partner perfectly. By now, you should all know I have a "problem" with perfectionism (for myself). By the same token, I realized I wanted and deserved more than what was/could be offered. I was finally honest with myself!!! And in turn, could be honest with my Ex.
Grateful everyday for my tools!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good morning all - happy Tuesday. Thank you Betty for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your ESH and shares. I am still a work in progress, and see that when I pause long enough to examine my motives, time and time again, I am able to find a path to a better action. Many, many times for me, my first thought is self-centered or self-serving still. Yet, pausing long enough to really consider what I need, what I should do/say helps me respond in a healthier manner.
I spent so much time trying (consciously and unconsciously) to change others to fill my wants that I rarely considered my needs. Frankly, until I really embraced recovery, I didn't know what my needs were and often confused my wants and needs. Better knowing me, the real/authentic me, helps me better examine my motives.
I am back home and grateful. It's always difficult to leave my parents but always lovely to return to my spot on this world, with my fur-baby, my family, my bed, pillow, etc. Make it a great day!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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