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Hi there. Tonight I did something totally out of character for me. But it felt fairly liberating. AH and I were having yet another round of the same fight we've had for decades. When he got tired of what I had to say he went to get a drink out of the fridge. And then I got tired of that. So I went right behind him, grabbed the vodka out of his hand and told him to pour me one. He was so shocked. (I don't normally drink that stuff.) Then he said, "ok fine, I'll put this away" but I was like "oh no, we're a team and you don't get a monopoly on coping mechanisms". About this moment our 12 year old son was trying to put something away in the kitchen and he was ssuuuuuuuper sorry that he didn't go to bed earlier like I told him to.
So then AH tried to just shut it down but I would have none of it. I took it out of his hands, poured myself half a wine glass of vodka and downed it in two gulps right in front of the both of them. I did cough up the last bit at the end but I got most of it down. I said, "that's disgusting. I don't know how you drink that all the time." AH said, "I wish you wouldn't do that". At which point, I just howled with laughter. "OH YOU WISH I WOULD NOT DO THIS."
Anyway, after awhile AH came by hoping to talk things out. He was (ironically) the most sober he has been in ages. He even said he would like us to try counseling (which he has never said before, since he thinks counseling is BS). I told him I appreciated that (and I do), but here's the kicker: he doesn't have health insurance or money or a job. He just had a colonoscopy without checking how it would be paid for. And I have to pay for his DUI counseling class. And of course our car just decided it couldn't be left out of the party either so the mechanic told me that I need to buy four new WHEELS. Not tires. WHEELS. And to pay for the visit to his family that dislikes us for holidays. I have maxed out two credit cards and my bank account, retirement fund, and home refinance trying to keep us afloat. I don't have money for counseling anymore. I can't even afford a divorce lawyer.
SO NO, I CANNOT AFFORD COUNSELING ANY MORE.
I'll wait until tomorrow to tell him that AA and Al-Anon is free. But his memory problems will probably guarantee that he won't even remember this conversation.
This is so familiar to me, they act and we react. For a short while, I even convinced myself, "if I cant beat this insanity, I'll join it."
Over time, I got to experience how well that actually works, clinical depression set in. at my lowest, by God's grace I realized I did not like who I was becoming.
That realization was key.
I crawled into Al-anon because I had nowhere else to go, having exhausted many years of counseling. Al-anon helped me realize my utter powerlessness over the whole situation (this is not the curse I had always believed).... to believe there is something greater than all the troubles we had... and that it was entirely up to ME if I am going to tap into that power (free will)
I am confident you will realize as I did... willingness is something the Higher Power can do a lot with, lol. and the flip side is, HP can do NOTHING for me... as long as I remain attached to "something else."
Fedora, I can relate to doing/saying wacky things in the hope it would change someone else's behavior, or just in the heat of the moment. We are human, and sometimes we go off the deep end. I totally relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed and cannot take it any more, at least in that moment. Looking back, I realize that my reactions weren't sensible, but accept the fact that, yes, I did or said those things at the time. I think the best we can do is forgive ourselves and move forward.
Memory issues -- my loved one had that too. I understand.
I hope you don't mind a bit of humor, but reflecting back on those times when I was at the end of my rope, I remember an internet meme I saw recently. It said "Warning! I have character defects, and I'm not afraid to use them!" It made me laugh at myself.
Keep coming back. These are the times to lean on our Al-Anon family.
The holidays were a huge issue with myself and the now.exA.
These days the holidays mean absolutely nothing to me.
I had little ability to detach when I was with the now ex A.
I also had Little ability to say -no to expenses. I took on a lot of his commitments.
I had no business doing that. .
I know every issue became an escalated issue but the holidays were a whole stage of their own
The ex A chose to go to his mothers for every holiday. I had a huge issue with that. There was no way for me to detach
Guess what around 4 months before the exA and I split up his mother married someone right out if the blue and moved two.states away.
De escalating is a huge skill.
I currently have a supervisor who is most certainly an alcoholic. She.is.prone to being nasty and throwing her authority around.
My response these days is one.of detachment. Some of my coworkers are very triggered by this supervisor.
I am able to have some space around the triggers.
I have choices today that I didnt have when I was swamped in deep with the now exA.
I have room to make those choices
I also have limits. There were no limits when I was encamped with the now exA.
These days Christmas means very little to me. When I was with the ex A his choices were a.constant torment
My choices are paramount these days. When other people chose to behave badly their choices no longer have the power to paralyze me. That is some element of freedom
Maresie
Hindsight is 20/20
When I was arguing with any alcoholic I know I felt I did not have any choice
When I am in a double bind these days. I can acknowledge it. I di not compound it.
I still have lots of problems, challenges. I try not to be part of the problem too.
Life can be very very challenging
Al anon has many tools and skills that can help us. How important is it?
Christmas is not important to me at the moment
When I was with the now ex A I made it a huge deal he chose to be over involved with his family. Obviously his mother did not feel the same way because she moved two states away. I can assure you she doesn't fly her son out to be with her new family every holiday.
When I was encamped in crisis after crisis I had no ability to detach
I felt like I was the #sane# one complaining about the exA's choices
My choices were always about over reacting
The over reacting changed with al anon one day at a time. The now ex A is in trouble with the law again. I am so grateful I am not having to.deal with it. Realky really grateful.
Keep.coming back.
Maresie
In my experience being married to an active alcoholic...I always had hope, promise, felt good, when my AW would be sober, sincere, would talk things out with me, would say the right things, would be positive, suggest counselling, and all of that.
BUT...here's the problem...NONE OF THAT addresses the disease, the sickness, the addiction, and the drinking.
Doesn't matter what is said. What matters is what's done.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Some people do get sober. My ex husband got sober after we divorced. He stayed sober
The issue is dealing with constant crisis is really taxing. All that stress is extremely damaging to our physical.and.mental health.
One way to deal with an alcoholic is yo.use the al.anon tools. None of us are perfect
I live in a imperfect situation. I have my own challenges today
But those challenges are made reasonable by.using al.anin tools
Getting better at using those challenges is critical.
I get better at them daily. The.more I use the tools the better they ate
My problems didnt.end when I.left the exA. In some ways they began in earnest because I could no longer blame him for everything
I was in exasperation.day and night
I hff have problems today that could send me to exasperation. Instead Inchoose to use the al.anon tools yo.manage them. I also have limits
Limits on my finances. Limits on my time. Limits on my serenity and limits on my health. I know when I need to take a step back.
I found it hard to step back from keepimgnus afloat when I was with the ex A. I had to.stop.stepoing in and helping . That was excritiatingky hard for.me. Not heloing is sometimes essential yo.our well.beimg.
Maresie
I've done the "I'll show you" drinking thing myself. I think that was the only time I ever drank so much that the ceiling started to spin.
Did it accomplish anything in the long run? Nope. The alcoholic still drank, even if it seemed at that point in time he saw what that looked like on someone he cared about.
We're all learning as we go - none of us works a perfect program. But I do hope for your health's sake that you get over to a meeting or call your sponsor the next time instead of taking a drink.
