The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Funny how considering what I am spending so much effort on right now that success is the thing I am fearing. I have been in and out of college for the better part of 15 years. I am nearing the end of my Junior year, for those of you who don't know I am an education major.
I am terrified now that I might actually get that piece of paper that I have been working so long and hard for! That thought hit me earlier today as I was sitting in my Anthropology class feeling overwhelmed. It isn't so much the classwork/coursework that I have to complete by a deadline, it is the idea that I really am going to finish this. Failure has never been an option for me....ever!
I don't measure my success by my GPA - though I would certainly be considered highly capable if I did that. I guess I don't really know how to measure success and that is why I am fearful? Just a thought.
I shared this story with a good friend yesterday and it occurs to me that maybe others can relate as well, as I believe, now in this moment that it is related to my trepidation. I went to my f2f meeting yesterday and the meeting topic was on autonomy - really it was the 4th tradition but I related it more specifically to my personal autonomy. When it came around for my turn to share I looked down and saw my name tag in front of me on the ground (we make nametags because the group is SO large). When I saw my name at first it was like I didn't even recognize it being my name. I stared at it for a few seconds and it was like the letters focused right before my eyes - it is like I am coming into focus. For the first time in a long time I am starting to see pieces of me. For such a long time I haven't known who that person is. Within my home I am rarely called Cyndee - for obvious reasons being a wife and a mother. Even in my life though I have always been tied to someone else, not really having any autonomy unless I separated myself totally. At work and at school I am Cyndee but within those contexts not as a person per se. This all sounds really odd to me as I am typing it up but I am just going with the flow. I shared in the meeting how I felt about my name and the lack of a direct understanding of who that person is - and how I am beginning to see who that is. I felt nervous, scared, excited, so many things all at once. Once I know who I am what happens then...it feels like a huge responsibility in some ways, I can't describe why I just know that is how it feels to me right now in this moment.
I have had such a great few Alanut days and I was starting to feel like I was dragging this afternoon as I was becoming so overwhelmed with life. So I made a conscious choice to talk about it - and since I couldn't locate my sponsor I turn to you my family. I don't want to bury my head or hide because I am not feeling perfect this very moment, or hold it against myself because I should be happy that I am beginning to see who I am. All that seems ridiculous - that IS old behavior and quite honestly I am done with it today. I have felt so loved and so safe by THIS family lately that I am actually starting to believe that I am worth being loved for me...character defects and all.
Wonderful anology about who we are. I am the "Schwarte Boys" Mom and their soccer coach just said he is "Matt's Dad". I think it is really important that we do keep our own identies another reason that f2f meetings are important. We have a face and a name to put together and we are authentic. There is no hiding behind a computer screen.
Congrats on your schooling and keep up the good work and post those grades. We will be proud of you no matter what grade you get! We all measure success in differnt ways in different stages in our lives. My stroke put my priorities in line, I went from a work-a-holic to a mom-a-holic. Right where I need to be now!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I join Josie in congratulating you on pursuing what is important to you.
I like the topic of your name. For me, it brings up something that started light but has morphed into something interesting for me -- The Year of Jill. I wrote about this a couple of months ago. Near the end of last year, I declared to my husb we've had 7 years focusing on you. 2006 will be the first of 7 years of Jill. He agreed. So he composed a song commemorating the Year of Jill, and he sings it in the shower many mornings as we start our day. Sounds good, right? then BOOM we're both focusing on finding his sox, getting HIM to the train on time, HIS ________ . I don't even notice until way too late. I'm getting better at this, though. I know he's a and will focus on himself, and I know these 7 years of me are to train myself to focus on me. He can't get me to focus on him without my permission. It feels like core AlAnon to me.
Your name and identity issue felt similar as I read what you wrote. I encourage you to enjoy finding yourself. ---Jill
Great honest, heartfelt share. A few years back when I was grieving, I found the most awesome book on How to Survive the Loss of a Loved One. It talked about all different losses and the fears associated with them.
Lo and behold the fear of success and the fear of achievement and the loss felt subsequently is very real.
Keep posting,
Love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I so admire your persistence, your attitude that failing is not an option, although you describe it almost as a weakness. In my experiences I've been on the other end of the spectrum, failing has been the option, and I became quite adept at it, early on. Now it still tempts me; procrastination is a biggie for me.
To me, success is the steady progress toward a worthy goal. You measure success by whether or not you're making progress or not. I have to stop and look, and I guess that's why I like the tasks where I can see progress, like making a bed, or mowing the lawn--it shows!
I can relate to the trepidation you feel about succeeding; I have often felt that if I get my life together God will take it away. What a funny way to feel? And if that's really the case, then I shouldn't worry, cause I'm going to live a long, long time:)
The fact that you feel yourself coming back into focus is a great sign, and to me, when you see what you think is a sign for you, trust that fabulous intuition, it probably is a sign. You seem more clear than you give yourself credit for; and that is understandable. It is easy for me to put myself down, hard to forgive myself, but open to forgiving and loving others for the good in it; for what it will make of me to accept and give.
Please keep sharing, your progress is so becoming, so refreshing. and so fulfilling. You are making a difference to yourself in finding clarity, and to me in expressing it. (and probably so many others)
Keep pushing on Sparky, and think of your next goals to set for when this magnificent success story has a diploma framed on it.
