The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been awhile. I've been reading here mostly. I just wanted to provide an update about the contract job I have. Many of you were so supportive and encouraging. The job is now being offered as a full time job with benefits. I can apply if I'm interested. I worked so hard at this position to counter age discrimination. I was really expected to hit the ground running. What I didn't know, I went home in the evening and taught myself. How lucky we are that the internet is such a great resource. I proved myself to be at least an equal in capabilities and performance. According to the supervisor, I exceeded expectations.
With that said, the position now posted is not reflective of my experience and skill level. What I was told initially about the duties of the job, have now been reduced to a very entry level job. All of the interesting components of the position have been removed and delegated to existing employees. Undesireable responsibilities have been added supporting a very needy and emotionally unsteady manager who no one in the department wants to support. The greatest issue with this person is that they don't have healthy professional boundaries. They will seek out anyone available who will instantly give them what they want. This has caused complications for people who are in the process of doing work for them and just might be away for the day. Basically, they come back to find that they have created work for nothing for this person because they couldn't wait a short time for it's completion. These are instances where the work is not time sensitive.
I am proud of how I have performed on the job and how I've handled quite a few work and personality challenges. I am disappointed that it does not seem like this is going to be the place for me. The person I report to is very wishy washy and has shown that she doesn't have her team members back. I suppose this is the up side of being a temp to hire worker. You get to observe the culture try out the job and team to see if you are a fit and they for you. They truly is not a fit for me. I left a very dysfunctional work situation like this last year with a gaslighting supervisor. Now it seems like my higher power is putting another crazy situation in my path. In truth, I think my hp has made the decision easier this time. The culture as a whole is really soul sucking, very unfriendly, everyone is on their own island. I don't need a lot of socialization at work but I do need some. They are very short staffed and the company is a tense atmosphere as they are trying to feverishly reinvent themselves. I need a more stable environment all around at this age and I certainly need fair compensation and fair treatment. These are the basics at least for me. So, I'll complete this assignment and keep remembering to be professional in all my interactions because I represent the recruiter that sent me and I'd like a next assignment.
It is disappointing and a little scary to have to keep looking for work at this age but hp will put me where I'm mean't to be if I can keep fear at bay and keep advocating for myself by learning new things, keeping a positive attitude and mostly not reverting to an old behavior of believing it must be me, my expectations must be too high, I need to make it work. I really don't.
So I think this was a test of my trust in my hp because it's something I have difficulty with. Will I do the same thing and expect different results? Will I let my fear lead me or my hp? I am fearful, yes but I also know that everything is off balance in my life right now due to this job and workplace. There's not a moment's down time there, not a moment's humor. I fall asleep early and dream of the job tasks for the next day. My weekends involve getting an impeccable wardrobe organized for the week because of the clientele we deal with and I'm pacifying myself with unhealthy food because I'm too tired to prepare or feel sorry for myself.
So there you have it LOL Could hp be thumping me on the head any harder? Hulllooo! lol Thanks for letting me share. The sun is shining outside and I'm glad I was able to share with you. I can maybe turn off the thinking machine now and go out and enjoy nature. Hope you have a good day too. ((hugs)) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You know TT good for you!!! A place that values age and pays decently is non profit. Keep on keeping on!! Big hugs .. there are jobs out there that value age due to experience. S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It is disappointing and a little scary to have to keep looking for work at this age but hp will put me where I'm mean't to be if I can keep fear at bay and keep advocating for myself by learning new things, keeping a positive attitude and mostly not reverting to an old behavior of believing it must be me, my expectations must be too high, I need to make it work. I really don't.
*****************************
Hey TT.........good to see you and GREAT to see you , as Temple said "you know your worth" Yep, I'm inbetween jobs , in that I lost my largest client,...My EVERY Friday job went South...Bellied up!!!! and at my age that is very scary, but I look young, dress young, research my trade to be smarter, better, up to date on taxes and accounting trends, etc., and yea, I KNOW my worth.....I don't think my HP puts me anywhere, I think it is just LIFE and there are so many screwed up companies, I think that it just is the way it is...Hard to find a place that is FUN to work at....My now largest client, whom I work for 2x per month is very sweet and good to me...we have a nice bunch..off. mgr and the 2 sales ladies who take the service calls, et al, all of them are great people...it makes a huge difference in how I feel about going in....I am working for him tomorrow as I did Wednesday, doing his taxes and hes got TONS of stuff,/schedules to complete, so yea, its a two day affair, rounding up all his info, and so I can close out the books with post close entries for taxes and yr end....but yea, tomorrow I'll go in and print out the return, check for any errors, etc., then we are done with 2018...so probably won't see him for 2 weeks and its onto 2019 books.....and it IS disappointing and scary NOT to have a "work home" and at my age, I wish HP would "plop" something in my lap, like a good roommate or something so I don't have to worry about money so much...its exhausting to be under such stress.....and yea, "keeping fear at bay" is my big challenge...keep believing in me and my capabilities and my GREAT references....Bookkeepers, even certified ones like me are a dime a dozen, but what about their work ethic??? dependability??? efficiency???? I hear a LOT of scary stories from their victims, but yea, its tough, competition is tough...keeping a positive attitude is hard, but necessary....and NO!!! we dont' need to "make it work" there IS a place for you and for me....I walked out on a client who was abusive to me in a passive aggressive way, put downs, SHE married money, I did not...so in her small mind, she is "better than me" ..well at least I wash every day and dress in clean, cute clothes every day...SHE, miss "better than me" was terrible with her hygiene, very nasty, and it doesn't take much money to CLEAN yourself...that and her back hand remarks to me, I walked out...Told her her behavior was NOT acceptable and that I was uncomfortable with the unclean working conditions and won't be back......YEA I needed the money, but not the insults and the nastiness....
Thanks ((serenityrus))) for the support and encouragement.
(((temple))) thank you. I do know my worth but sometimes I forget and also sometimes I go to the hardware store looking for bread. I found myself challenging my current supervisor about the job opening. I guess I had hoped that my performance would be impressive enough that they wouldn't want to lose me. As a result of having me there temporarily, they have their work done a month ahead of schedule. I had expectations that have gone unrealized. My feeling of anger now are due to disappointment. My thinking became skewed when the job became available to be permanent and I had to try harder to keep my focus as simply a temporary employee with a chance to become a new hire. That's on me not them. Also, the job truly was misrepresented by my supervisor and when I discussed the open position with her this week and the change to responsibilities and reporting, she lied and told me I had misunderstood and that she had presented it just as it is. No use arguing. I have invested four months of myself and I would like to leave their on good terms. I also seemed to need to know that she actually wanted me for the job even though honestly as it is now, I wouldn't want the position. Somehow, I still needed that validation lol. Oh how little I've grown in some areas of my program. Once she told me I was enough, all was right with the world again and I could walk away from this position more easily. You know... I became "she who must do the rejecting." Somewhere somehow I lost myself in this whole process. It's an awful job as it's written now and I don't want it. The supervisor told me she didn't think I would really want it but she has to fill it with someone who wouldn't jump ship. As fear and desperation took hold, I began to ask more questions about it. Then when she told me horrors of the day to day tasks, I began asserting my professional boundaries which I secretly hoped would have her reject me after interviewing with her but would allow me to say I did all I could she just didn't want me. Remember I accused her in the initial post of being wishy washy? Look who's wishy washy now. Look who's trying to force a solution. It makes me sad to say that I needed to know that I did a great job and they wanted me for the job, that they liked me enough to want me there, all sorts of dumb stuff. Meanwhile, the job itself is a stinker... loaded with every undesireable thing you can imagine. OK.. I've told on myself and now I feel better. lol
((mamalioness))) good to see you too! I'm sorry you lost your nice client. I just went through that with a seasonal job and it's no fun. It wasn't much money but I came to rely on it. It does sound like you found some replacement work that you're enjoying and here's hoping there are referrals from this new employer. Yes, a smelly boss is where I draw the line too hehehe. Passive agressive and smelly lol what a winning combination. I hope you didn't miss the chance to tell her you knew she was stinking rich since you could smell her from a mile away. Shush TT, where's your Alanon program! Glad you're here Rose and grateful for your share.
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))) oh that was Sooo funny, program or NOT, I thought the "passive aggressive and smelly" "winning combination" you know, I often wondered how her hubs could sleep with her because HE was CLEAN and CUTE!!! go figure hey!!!! thanks for the laugh....and Alanon is probably grinning at your comments, too.....Glad you are here
Somewhere somehow I lost myself in this whole process. It's an awful job as it's written now and I don't want it. The supervisor told me she didn't think I would really want it but she has to fill it with someone who wouldn't jump ship. As fear and desperation took hold, I began to ask more questions about it. Then when she told me horrors of the day to day tasks, I began asserting my professional boundaries which I secretly hoped would have her reject me after interviewing with her but would allow me to say I did all I could she just didn't want me. Remember I accused her in the initial post of being wishy washy? Look who's wishy washy now. Look who's trying to force a solution. It makes me sad to say that I needed to know that I did a great job and they wanted me for the job, that they liked me enough to want me there, all sorts of dumb stuff. Meanwhile, the job itself is a stinker... loaded with every undesireable thing you can imagine. OK.. I've told on myself and now I feel better. lol