The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope everyone is having a good evening.
It has been awhile since I was last on here. A few things have happened, I am facing a dilema. I will have to make a decision. I met a wonderful man who is kind and considerate of me. We started out as friends but have really gotten to know each other better. He wants to take our friendship and make it a relationship. He got a job offer that would move him out of state and back to his hometown. He said he would be willing to stay here if we got together. I do not know what to say ...
Then on the other hand I have been dating someone else on and off very casually. He is an old boyfriend and I did have feelings for, but lately I do not have those feelings anymore. We go on a dates very sporaticly. The last date we had about a week ago he stated he wants more. I did not know what to say.....
I like living by myself. I like the freedom I have to go and come as I please. I like that when I go home I can watch whatever I want on the tv. I love my freedom of living alone and not being attached. Both these men are nice, caring men but I let myself be controlled for many years while married and I don't want to let go of this freedom. I feel like I'm being selfish.
I have 3 choices
Bachelor #1
Bachelor #2
Or myself
Good thing is I know I can take my time to decide. I do not have to decide everything tonight.
Today I am grateful for my fur baby, my new bed and a/c (I live in Texas and it's still in the very high 90's everyday lol)
Welcome back Wndrwmn and it sounds like many good options.
What comes to mind when reading your post is, "when in doubt, don't". Pause and take time to figure things out... look towards your HP for guidance. For me, it is when I'm still and quiet that I hear my HP best.
On another note, I can say that I love my freedom as much as I love being "coupled". It poses as a dilemma at times but something for me to balance with my HP. With the help of MIP and f2f meetings, I enjoy current relationships with being truer to myself (when compared with relationships from years ago). When triggers rears up, I do my best to create new patterns that serve me better because I believe that each relationship is unique.
Fellow Texan here .. LOL .. OMG is all I can say about the heat and we are due for a cool down all of 6 degrees who knew high 80s would look so good.
Knowing what I know now regarding my own personal relationships is .. I tend to see orange flags when someone else is basing their decisions on me. You know man #1 sounds like a set up for resentment should you all not work out. I didn't take a great job because you said you wanted .. blah blah blah. If he wants to stay and it benefits him TO stay that's a different issue professionally .. however to put that on you in terms of well .. idk. His choices have NOTHING to do with you.
I will share what I did with my son who is 20ish .. I was informed of his "long term" relationship of a whole 18 months with a partner I did not care for, .. neither of them drive for anxiety issues my son is on his way to a license at the moment super proud of him .. they saw each other at his partner's convenience which meant they "dated" however once or twice every other week .. I was pretty blunt when he started talking about how great that relationship was .. and I said baby that's not a relationship that's a booty call .. that is someone who is not emotionally available, who the whole relationship is about what they want not what you want (there were a couple of times he planned to go there and it was called off for whatever reason). It was not on my son's terms on any level. There were other issues that concerned me the partner's mental health .. that's a different story and not mine to share.
There is a relationship coach I like named Mathew Hussey, and I like the terms he uses about high value partner. You can facebook him. He's got a page and is super on about self esteem, high value and it did change my direction on what I look for in a partner. I am currently with someone who is a great guy. We def want different things at the moment and he's going to have to make the choice if that's enough for him. I am certainly not "killing time" as the phrase goes .. I know there are certain things I want and don't want, bless his heart he has really had to stretch and I think he's coming to a place of I have evolved enough .. LOL. I am not there.
It really sounds like you have time and you are in a good place. No hurry, no worry and if either guy is worth it they are going to step up and do what is best for them vs making you do the work. That's my experience when I say "you" I really do mean "me". The men who are emotionally unavailable are going to find ways to push the relationship work off and just go with the flow. It's nice not to feel forced to make a decision and you got all the time you need to decide if either of these relationships are the ones for you. You are the expert in terms of your life you know the nuances .. I just know what I have done in the past which is settle for crumbs and left overs instead of picking from the banquet.
Hugs S :)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Wednesday 18th of September 2019 08:25:34 AM
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hope everyone is having a good evening. It has been awhile since I was last on here. A few things have happened, I am facing a dilema. I will have to make a decision. I met a wonderful man who is kind and considerate of me. We started out as friends but have really gotten to know each other better. He wants to take our friendship and make it a relationship. He got a job offer that would move him out of state and back to his hometown. He said he would be willing to stay here if we got together. I do not know what to say ... Then on the other hand I have been dating someone else on and off very casually. He is an old boyfriend and I did have feelings for, but lately I do not have those feelings anymore. We go on a dates very sporaticly. The last date we had about a week ago he stated he wants more. I did not know what to say..... I like living by myself. I like the freedom I have to go and come as I please. I like that when I go home I can watch whatever I want on the tv. I love my freedom of living alone and not being attached. Both these men are nice, caring men but I let myself be controlled for many years while married and I don't want to let go of this freedom. I feel like I'm being selfish. I have 3 choices Bachelor #1 Bachelor #2 Or myself Good thing is I know I can take my time to decide. I do not have to decide everything tonight. Today I am grateful for my fur baby, my new bed and a/c (I live in Texas and it's still in the very high 90's everyday lol)
Welcome back, nice to meet ya!
I highlighted this part of your post b/c it contains your answer right there. You are NOT being selfish at all! Go back and reread what you wrote... the decision you have to make is only one - to honor YOU. The two guys (no matter how wonderful) don't need to even come into the equation. I have learned on my journey that if it is truly meant to be, it will come to fruition. No amount of pushing or pulling, or prying on my part will change things! Honor YOU. If one of these great guys sticks, great! The cherry on top of the already delicious sundae!! LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good to see you again - glad you stopped by! I agree that it all sounds 'good' - and what popped in my head was, To Thine Own Self, Be True...My experience is that I tend to still have some co-dependency issues in relationships which can change up my priority of self-care. I am a big believer in Write About It, Talk About It and Pray About It for life decisions. I do believe the answers will come - they always do - when we pause long enough to truly trust God's will in our life!
Keep coming back - sending you all the best...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A long time ago a friend of mine shared with me dating was all about saying no
For me dating was all about saying yes
The yes if course was real early on.
I committed very very early on.
Then the commitment became this t ou tal commitment if every resource in the book
No one can tell you what's right for you
I.have bit dated in a few years now. I do not have that awful hollow loneliness that used to drive me towards those kind if relationships
I am not ruling out being in a relationship. But the loneliness which used to o overwhelm me has gone
One of my issues has been naivete. I believed I could make an impossible relationship work. I no longer do that. In fact I left a job recently because the company was so dysfunctional.
Letting go is an art. In al anon it is all about letting go #how important is this#
Of course I would like to succeed at a romantic relationship but now I have other goals, physical health is up there, find in my time us another one.
Having a way to find joy every day another one. I tended to look to relationships to bring me things they never did. Then Inwas incredibly disappointed.
Being self reliant is a great thing
Being single is also great in its own way too. I enjoy not feeling obligated to anyone
My life was swallowed up whole when I was in a relationship.with an alcoholic
Being uncertain is also okay. It is perfectly okay to be uncertain to not know whether this is right. No one should be pushing you to make a decision. Decisions can evolve rather than be a finite consideration
Maresie
Thanks everyone for sharing :)
This weekend I decided to do things I like and take care of myself. Friday evening I spent some time catching up with one of the first Al-Anon friends I made way back when. We both moved to different cities and hadn't seen each other in many years. We had a great time talking about dating, kids and just life. She and I have come a long way in recovery. Yesterday I spent cleaning up. Today I'm going to catch up on shows I am behind on. I am having a wonderful weekend being single lol. I don't have to make a decision right away. I will rely on HP to guide me. Today I am grateful for the invention of internet that allows me to watch shows and movies at anytime I want to lol Happy Sunday to all!! :)
You sound wonderful!!!! Great job putting YOU first!
btw, I just love your Avatar!
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__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Great Self-Care! It's amazing the peace that comes just by putting self first and doing the next right/best thing...Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great new you are an inspiration
Last.night.one of.my neighbors tried to.oush me towards spending time with them. I.stood my.ground. i.have priorities he is.not one of them!!
Maresie
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