"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Lostandscared · Newbie

Telling AH about Meetings

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

I blurted it out, and that worked out fine for me. For me, too, the tipping point was that I had become so angry. The first meeting I found was an evening meeting, so as we were finishing dinner I just said, "I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting" and left. To be honest, I am not sure my husband heard, understood or remembered what I had said.

My only suggestion is to remember that we go to Al-Anon to heal ourselves. And we don't have to justify, defend or explain our reason to anyone else.

Enjoy your meeting! You no longer have to face this alone.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Totally up to you if you share or not, I used to just say I was having coffee with some friends and I would be back in a couple hours. Or, I had a counseling appointment. He didn't question it. Honestly, how I take care of myself is not anyone else's business .. not even my sig other .. it's entirely my gig, about me, not him.

There are some situations that it's not safe to tell the sig other what's going on because of what is going on at home. So do what's right for you and just know Alanon is a safe place to heal.

Hugs S :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what you shared with us, and perhaps a simpler version of exactly that message would work just fine??

In a nutshell, I think you are trying to convey the message of: "I am going to Al-Anon because I am realizing that I need help in coping with all of this"

Hugs

Tom

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Each and every method and consequence is different. One of the similarities is the fear of not knowing and I found that it should not be the reason for me not to say I am going to visit a group tonight I know nothing about and I'll be back something around.... Of course that is not how I did it...they all wanted me to go whether I wanted to or not...LOL I went and it took a while for me to get use to it and settled in. I'm way better off for having done it than not. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP LostandScared - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I just went and waited to be asked where I had been. I then just said that I'd been to a meeting. I had projected a far worse outcome than reality as the 5 words I offered were not questioned. For me, part of my insanity was thinking and believing that I owed everyone a detailed explanation about almost everything. My sponsor early on suggested I try to use I statements always, abbreviate my shares and try using Yes and No as complete sentences.

I hope you get to the meeting and feel the love/acceptance. Al-Anon truly is a safe place to heal and deal from the affects of the disease. Please keep coming back - you are not alone, and there is hope and help in recovery!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt no obligation to tell my wife that I was going to a meeting. I felt there was a benefit -- many actually -- in not telling her. When I was asked where I was, I said I went to a meeting. She asked what meeting, and I said a community meeting. There were many valid reasons I did not disclose I went to an alanon meeting.

When I finally did -- I received a lot of anger, blame, frustration, threats, warnings, reprimands, and more. In my experience this is very common. The alcoholic does not want us to change. They do not want us to stop doing what they want us to do. They do not want us to say no to them, to stop doing for them, to stop enabling, participating, and so much more. Even if someone is not doing those things, in my experience, the alcoholic is very rarely happy that their spouse is going to an alanon meeting.

Lostandscared · Newbie

Thank you everyone. I went last night. And I cried. 4 times. I mostly just listened and shared a very tiny bit (because I found when I talked I couldnt control the tears). They were very kind to me and I plan on going back. I ended up not telling my husband yet but I think I will. I think his reaction will be silence. He knows hes an alcoholic and doesnt want to change that. He just doesnt know how it affects others that love him.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I told my husband when I went to my first meeting and I got the cold shoulder. But, I did not care because I was going for me, not him.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

I wasn't with my Ex A's when I got into recovery, but I 1,0000% agree with SerenityRUS....its nobody's business , (if I were with someone, he is not my parole officer) what I do when i am not at home...AND it can be unsafe from my friends whom I have shared with....Alcoholics can feel threatened when SIG other is going to meetings and they KNOW the reason why and they imagine all the awful stuff you will learn, perhaps feel threatened that you may leave, etc.....I think I, IF I were with an alcoholic which I don't plan on ever again, would take the safe road....thanks for sharing and GREAT luck at the meeting!!! GOOD JOB!!! Taking care of you!!!!! you will LOVE it!!! when they had meets near enough for me to go to, yea, i went to one bad one, but the others were great...I had fun chatting up with the other Al-anons and I learned a bunch from the old timers there....you find out really quick that you are NOT alone

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Rosie brings up a lot of good points. In alanon, one of the fundamental building blocks of the program is for us to focus on ourselves. We disentangle ourselves from the alcoholic, we get off the daily, minute to minute roller coaster, and we learn to not be consumed by the alcoholic, their drinking, and everything that happens in and around the disease of alcoholism. We learn about detachment -- both mental/emotional and physical. We learn about how to get better and get healthy from co-dependency. We learn so much, and so much of it is about "individuality" and not being a contributor or partner in the alcoholic's disease.

In my experience, I found it is very common, perhaps early on, or even later on, there is an element of the alcoholic wants to drink, and we don't want them to. Even if we don't feel that, their drinking bothers us, it impacts us, it affects us. They want what they want, and we...well, we certainly don't want what they want.

The entire dynamic certainly can have an impact on disclosing going to meetings. In my experience, the alcoholic can get angry, feel threatened, not like that we are seeking help, might fear that "things" and "we" might change, that their drinking might get impacted, that we might get better equipped to deal with the disease and the alcoholic, and so much more. I've commonly heard the age old routine of the alcoholic saying they don't have a problem...and now we are going to disclose or tell people a lie, something that is not true. Even if they admit they have a problem, I have commonly heard the alcoholic doesn't want people to know, so us going to a meeting will "out" them and that's not right, not fair to them. Over 25 plus years...I couldn't even tell you all the things I've heard.

However, I do think it's rare that the alcoholic is indifferent, OK with, yet alone happy, that we are going to alanon meetings. LOL.

While each situation and person is different...I think the person should think about it and decide what is best for them.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think we always feel like we have to say something. I no longer do. The issue if blaming ourselves is also a big stick. I am at the point now in my life where I do not invite people in who.are addicted Guess what I still deal with addiction The company I was working for had huge dysfunction going on it might as well be an alcoholic. I deal with lots of dysfunction I am just not dealing with it when I go home. But I had to deal with it at home first to get to the space of having boundaries Alcoholics are really good at passing off their addiction on someone else. Alcoholism and all.addictions responsibility lies with the alcoholic Remember the three C's you didnt cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it I live around alcoholics and addicts I mb would never even think of talking to them about it now. In the past that woukd have been my focus You are going to al anon for you not for him. In theory sometimes when the spouse goes to al.anon it helps the alcoholic mive towards recovery. Sometimes it does but not exactly 100% For me one of the other slogans in al anon is important. When in doubt Don't. When I am wondering what the likelihood is of a situation I hold back. I think it is a real paradox that what a lot of us talk about with an alcoholic is wanting honesty. A lot of alcoholics #affect# honesty but really their denial means their whole life is a #lie# These days I am no longer in the business of uncovering the #lie# My truth is w bg at is important to me and my truth doesn't necessarily need to be shared widely Maresie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene