The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the power in making amends. The writer describes the feeling when someone else in his/her alanon group has made amends toward him/her. The impression was of the humility and strength it took to offer an amends. The writer then describes how much stronger of a relationship resulted after the amends had been offered.
The first time I ever thought about the concept of making amends I pictured having to go through a list of people I had ever offended. For one thing, that sounded like an insurmountable task! Who have I not offended?? But the longer I have been in program, I have understood that I might be making an amends in other ways as well- a change in behavior or a change in understanding about another person. I also understand that in making amends, I cant exclude myself. Anytime I have accepted the unacceptable, or said yes in a situation when I meant to say no is a time for amends.
When I think of making amends to others I think about humility, strength, and compassion.
Good morning Mary and thank you for your service and share.
I agree. My experience with amends continues to grow and expand from (my initial impression years ago)a surface apology to learn the change of underlying unhealthy behavior is what is most important. The first sign I look for in myself and others is humility and it comes from a deep acknowledgement of honesty.
Good Morning Mary Great topic. Making amends was a stumbling block for me for a few years I thought it would subject me to jokes and unkind attitudes--. not so my first amends were awkward but sincere. Today they appear improved. Today I have no problem making amends when called for. as I can see my part more quickly Thanks for your service
Thank you for your service Mary. When I started program, the thought of the amends part seemed insurmountable and embarrassing. However I have now not only done the steps twice including making amends, but I find that I can easily make amends as needed. Program teaches me a lot! Lyne
Good shares everyone about this topic! I have been "through" Al-Anon twice now... so I mostly try to "Live" my amends. However, there are two exceptions. My son and my Ex. Right after the big split and our move out, I did an amends to my son. Of course he was understanding, and "It's not your fault, Mom!" Much later, after going through my Step 4 book, I asked to make amends to him for not following my instincts and divorcing his father the first time we were in this position. I did try to explain the reasons why I stayed - I felt they were important for him to know, b/c it was all about him, and being open to giving someone a second chance - not about me. I then asked for forgiveness for being the parent that pushed. I didn't always accept his "best" was indeed his best. It was hard for me to admit that I wasn't the "perfect" mom - it was the one thing in my life that I was proud of! Of course, he did not see any error on my part, but maybe he will when he is older. I hope not! I hope that the "good" parts of my parenting will outweigh any of the bad.
For now, I am WILLING to make amends to my Ex for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have yet to actually do so. I am trying to be understanding and gentle with him, yes, even on friendly terms... I think that is a living amends in itself. Towards the end, I had anger and hate in my heart, and most of my feelings for him were clouded with the loss of Trust, Integrity and Respect. Most of which he never knew b/c 1)He was too wasted or 2)I hid them well. A "living amend" has been to never disparage him in front of his Kid. Yes, I was/am very honest about the disease, but I kept/keep my hurtful thoughts to myself! I am allowing my Kid to make his own decisions about his father - that is a huge step for me.
At the end of the day, I believe that the Willingness to make amends can bring peace to your soul... that is why it is a Step!
Hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Sunday MIP family! Thank you Mary for your service and thank you all who've shared your ESH above me.....Today, I can readily admit that I had quite a bit on crazy to work on and through before amends time. I had been sitting (alone and lonely) in my ivory tower for quite some time and had blinders on to my part and how the disease had affected me...I am grateful the steps exist as they do, are to be worked in order and for a loving sponsor who had more patience than most I know.
When it came time to make amends, I too was concerned and frightened for the response(s). Of course, I had spent a lifetime projecting how others are, who they are, what comes next, etc. so practicing being present helped. As I began the process, and found results different than expected - some good and some not so good - I realized with each one, and a post dialogue with my sponsor, that I felt a bit lighter and more freedom and confidence. I too have gotten better at seeing my part, which allows me to make amends sooner than post festering. All of this helps keep me closer to my center, closer to the God of my understanding and closer to who I am and want to be.
I came to recovery full of negative energy, angry and resentful at a variety of others and completely pizzed off at the God of my youth. Today, I am generally positive or neutral most days, rarely angry at others even with cause and feel deeply connected to the God of my understanding. I profoundly believe today that when I am restless, irritated or discontent with any person, place or thing that the answers reside within me. The program has given me the confidence, hope and tools to live life freely and fully and let others do the same. The amends process/step was point for me in understanding the deep value in practicing humility and remaining humble.
My day has been way different than planned! During my run this AM, my AH asked me if I wanted to go golfing....that was not on my radar screen, but the message I got from within was, why not? So, I changed up my plans to spend some time together in my favorite place - the outdoors. I did not golf well, it was crowded so he was grumpy but yet, I had a great time....BR, my answer would have been a NO because I was so rigid and so angry!
It's football time now - may your team win (unless they are playing mine)! (((Hugs))) to all - enjoy your Sunday!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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