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Hi, my name is Riderck, my experiences are growing up with a mother who was an alcoholic. Any the interactions and experiences I endured during our alcohol-fueled interactions. Has affected how I interact and discipline my children. I am curious to see if others who have similar backgrounds. Are willing to share how if interactions with an alcoholic parent of parents, has positively or negatively affected their parenting skills?
Which parenting skills do you believe you possess, and the most commonly? For instance, authoritarian (a parents-know-best approach that emphasizes obedience); permissive (which provides few behavioral guidelines because parents do not want to upset their children); or authoritative (which blends a caring tone with structure and consistent limit-setting).
Thank you in advance, I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
Aloha Riderck and welcome to the board and good that you jumped right in and shared. Although most of the information here centers around the affects of alcoholism and drug addiction we also deal with the cause and affect of it on all of the aspects of our lives including our relationships with children.
For me I was born and raised within the influences of the disease as it affected both sides of my families and myself and my siblings. We were a messed up group for a long time which also influenced the aspects of our lives, friends, school, work etc. I learned how to live the disease and up to and before I got into recovery lived in a neighborhood that openly considered me crazy. I had trouble with so many layers of life including the military and religion etc. Yes I am a non-practicing alcoholic also and a 41 year member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Without these programs and relationships I would no longer inhabit this planet.
The programs re-taught and reaffirmed my parental relationships with my children and still do. They are human beings, children of God, parents themselves, members of Society and also have valuable skills as well as failings. We are in this together and at times you couldn't tell the difference twix Father and Children. We have come thru the same trail. I focus on not relating with and to them as the alcoholic and alcoholism affected human being I once was and use what I have learned in both programs to do that.
The programs are not about perfection. We work with progression; getting better one day at a time often exclusively using the 12 steps and tradition of the programs. I invite you to look them up and slowly read and think about them and keep coming back for more Experience, Strength and Hope from other members.
Definitely our experiences of being parented impact our own parenting. Alcoholic or not. I happen to love children and always have, beleiving they are intelligent. When I had my own I leaned toward authoritarianism at first. Today I'm older and more interested in enjoying these moments of childhood. My husband has been what I would label permissive. High response, low expectation. We both have alcoholic families and we both are alcoholics. I'm in recovery, he is not. I have spent a lot of time musing over things you raise in the post. Most parents i know hyper parent the things that scarred them as children. My partners parent was perceived as very authoritarian and never satisfiable. My parent I perceive as being totally lacking in structure and very self absorbed. Both sides I think we're emotionally abusive; some good things in there for sure, but it's the cuts that leave scars. My partner is very loving. Not very present and not very consistent but when he's there it's like they have a concierge. I've had to consciously work on not passing on my own wounding to my daughters particularly. It's not their job to make mum happy which is the message I'm getting and working on. On the plus side they sure are smart! Progress not perfection.
I don't think someone's parent needs to be an actual active addict for this to apply. My parenting style is defined as IDKWTH I'm doing. I know I want to make different choices. Looking at it with perception of age .. both my parents have some qualities I wish I had incorporated into my parenting. I do not agree 100% with either of my parents. I def tended to be way more protective and controlling with both of my children. I couldn't relax when they were younger. My oldest had sever anxiety growing up and I'm sure I contributed to that a great deal. He's doing wonderfully now however has NO desire for kids and I'm sure that's probably because he was responsible for his younger sibling my youngest is all about kids and really wants them. So that's just the difference in perception of their childhood.
Children do not come with instruction manuals and the best thing I have come away with as my children have grown is as I learned different things about myself and I have recovered from my own childhood .. no one is going to get the parent they think they deserve the best thing I can do is raise a child who is not spending 50 years trying to recover from their childhood.
I have a friend who laughs at me because I say this to my kids and I have said this to her about hers .. hers are much older than mine. I give my kids until they are 23 to play the blame card .. you can throw whatever you need to at me and I will accept it .. however .. I'm going to give you a gift that I did not receive .. after the age of 23 you are responsible going forward for your choices. So you are FREE to make different choices and live your life how you think you need to. I will only ever apologize until you are 23 .. after that .. it's really your choice to continue to play the perpetual victim or you can be the captain of your own destiny. Don't do what I did and waste time blaming others for a lifetime .. there's no point to it and it keeps you from living your best life. My children know I have no problem in saying .. I'm sorry that you feel that way .. it was never my intension .. I can't change it and I wish I could .. so how can I help you move forward.
Big hugs .. it just is what it is at this point and I'm so grateful that age has given me a different perception in this lifetime to say .. I am no longer a helpless child.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
