The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know I'm so grateful for this program and all that it offers. I have been caught in a terrible spin since Sunday pretty much although I slowed down yesterday and have slowed down further today. I am grateful. I am grateful that while I still spin I know when my thoughts are whirling what I can and can't control when it comes to my X. Where I can step back and when I can move forward and sometimes .. the most powerful thing I can do when his crazy is showing is just nothing. By all means let him show his crazy if that's what he's going to do.
I know I keep saying I'm pretty sure he's back into active addiction .. each time I sort of doubt myself .. regardless if he's active addiction .. he's def active addiction thinking based upon the last email I received.
It's so sad to say that 7 years ago the crazy train that was the end of our relationship started and while it was over by paperwork 3 years ago almost 4 in Oct or Jan depending on who's dates you use .. lol. It is the financials that he cannot let go of, court ordered nothing I am asking for that I haven't been awarded. He absolutely grates against it. One thing I have seen is how horribly dysfunctional our relationship is, especially since the divorce. If I didn't know better it's like a Dom/Sub relationship where he needs me to tell him for a release that I think he's a horrible person and call him names ( I do not do that, I have told him I think it's awful to treat your family that way and I can throw the guilt like nobodies business.) He needs it to be that way and I am trying so hard not to pick up the rope. For 9 months he has tried to pick a fight with me and for 99.9% of the time I have avoided the hook. I did pick it up when I sent the receipt .. lol. I have been really good the rest of the time.
Since the end of 2017 every single incident that has occurred for his body has rotated around pain killers .. it was his back (apparently that had been bothering him for 2 years so since they got married), then it was surgery on his back, then it was his blood, then 2018 it was a car accident that supposedly undid the surgery, then 2019 there was the stroke in January on his birthday, then he moved on to deep vein thrombosis, he's had one surgery on one leg, now the middle of August he's blown his knee and can't have surgery on his leg. Is anyone else catching a theme here? He's not an old man by terms of today in fact by terms of today he's actually middle age or just over if 50 is the new 40. I mean there was a part of me that wanted to respond to the latest email and say .. dude .. duct tape .. it fixes everything ..
His behavior is pre-divorce behavior, I am really blown away at the moment. He think he makes the rules because he says so. He really believes I am just going to roll over and be ok. He obviously has forgotten who I am.
My first knee jerk reaction was to immediately mail him back and say hey dude .. you owe it and no this isn't acceptable .. then I took a min .. I thought about it .. I discussed it with some friends 2 who work program and 1 who has known me since forever and a day. The friend who has known me for forever and a day .. lol .. says umm .. why do you need to respond. If I get honest about MY need to respond it's because if I don't I feel like I'm giving him permission not to pay me. I verbalized that and her response was umm .. can you make him pay? Umm no. Can you enforce a court order? Well sort of it involves court .. her response again was .. can you enforce a court order .. yourself .. umm .. no I can't. Can the courts? Yes. So .. you know how court works, how long it will take, when you can file, what needs to be done and so on. Honestly it will take about 120 days min to get into court and possibly longer so I decided to roll the dice and let it ride. No response. This is alanon for me. This is not preventing a crisis or causing one. The 2 who program work .. lol .. gave very valuable insight which I appreciated and valued as well. Slogans, steps and so on. Reminding me I always have a choice no matter what.
So is this going to be difficult .. I am going to have to charge my oldest rent (not a ton just a little to offset the loss of income I already know I'm out a chunk). My youngest will have to get creative in some additional activities things he wants to do. It will be ok, just I was finally making headway it was so nice to have extra and to be able to say yes for a change and not have to constantly no.
Is it surprising, no. I have been waiting for this and I wonder if he's been fired from this job and if his current wife has kicked him out. Interestingly enough she was married to an alcoholic the first time and a drug addict the second and this time she pulled a triple headed dragon. I will be curious to know the fall out on this.
Thank God for Alanon, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Even though your situation is a true B*tch of a situation, this post for me, was chock full of good program decisions! Kudos to you for not picking up the rope & engaging the Krazy!! Your bff sounds wonderful!!
Reading what you posted about all his surgeries reminded me... every day I get pharma related updates (due to my job) and they are all about the fallout of the big-pharma's push to sell their opioid products. Lawsuits are being settled left and right... big, precedent-creating suits. Don't allow him to bully you into backing down on what was court ordered for you...he may be thinking he could be a candidate for compensation, and doesn't want to give you any!
Like you said, more will be revealed...I am pretty sure he'll have to update his earning status regardless of what is happening with him... and if it affects your payout, then the courts will contact you...anything from him is just quacking! LOL!
Keep on keepin' on...
& : heart:
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Oh girl .. he doesn't have a problem .. his only problem is me .. direct quote. He is a bully that is no lie and he's angry. My bf made the comment well he doesn't know about me .. and I laughed .. umm .. this .. yes .. he knows about you .. he knows that you have unlimited access to his "toys" (I refer to his possessions of the kids and I). I also know he has lost his mind and it's showing .. I don't think the receipt would have done it however .. I think the receipt would have done it kind of deal. The idea that he has no control and he's going to take control where he can because he's mentally not ok.
He's just beyond the pale at the moment and I'm literally going umm .. ok .. what's this now? LOL.
It makes me wonder a LOT of what is going on .. is he getting divorced? Did he get fired again? I mean seriously lots of questions at the moment and no answers. The other issue is what's true and what isn't. Nope don't believe a word he says .. why do I think he's lying .. his lips are moving.
UGH .. I'm exhausted emotionally and mentally at the moment and I'm not interested in him on any level .. I wish he would just poof and be gone. This is how Dateline stories start .. ugh ugh ugh .. smh ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It never ends. I can relate. Nothing wrong with charging your oldest for some living expenses even if it's not necessary in your mind since the ex should be paying you. But, we all know we have to adapt, accept, and move on.
Hugs to you.
Did I tell you that my ex lost his job last September and now his unemployment is running out? My son said that dad is getting depressed because he might have too......get this......gasp.....get a job!!! He apparently has told our son that every time he thinks about working for another human being he gets sick to his stomach and has to drink or lie down. RIGHT! Whatever. Honestly, it's his problem but it becomes my problem because he weighs my son down with his crap.
Again, hugs to you. I have become the sole responsible support for my son now, even though he does work part time, because my ex is ' out of a job', which he admits to purposely losing because he was tired of corporate America and his boss. He literally showed up for his review a 1/2 hour late and he even admitted that to me! LOL. It baffles me.
You are such a great mom. I know how hard it is to raise kids on a single income, to not be able to do for them what you want to do. Sending you lots of support and love tonight!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
& : heart: