The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yes relapse...I was with family untreated from within the center of this disease and against my will what could I expect even attending "newbie meetings" several times a week. I needed the elders' voices along with the voice of my Higher Power and didn't get what I needed...I got insane. I was able to keep myself detached mostly and beyond arms length from the insanity I use to practice well. Wanting and not getting is sad and bad for this enabling addicted program member. What I got I didn't get deep enough so I wasn't able to protect well enough and didn't follow ESH as I would have suggested to anyone else.
Where I went included both sides of unhealed family and I should have went somewhere else. Insanity is the continuous and disorderly process of thoughts, feelings and actions. I am grateful to be 2600 miles away ready to join the local family fellowship in Hilo yet I am dependent upon HP and my sponsor and the fellowship to hold the insanity at bay.
I am co-dependent; a fixer with evidence of being powerless over what and who I think is out there calling me for help. I am 3 ceeing right now and thanking HP for being able to come here and read and listen.
Mahalo ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Sunday 18th of August 2019 11:26:04 AM
Wanting and not getting is indeed sad (and many times bad for codies). I must say, I had a hard time accepting that we the "unaffected" can also relapse! When I knew better, I did better! LOL! Glad that you are in the place where you can heal.
Wishing you peace today, my friend!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy to see you Jerry.
When I stumble trip and yeah even fall, I remind myself it's the getting back up that most deserves my focus. Welcome back. ((JerryF))
I am too an enabler and codependent who gets a regular invitation onto the merrygoround. Sometimes I believe my higher power let's me see that I will never be a match for this disease ever no matter how spiritually healthy I think I am. It keeps humble willing and relatable x
Good point El-cee. living as a recovering person amongst the world as it is. Remembering truth. This is not for the faint of heart, is it, long-term recovery. I do take heart knowing that imagined perfect recovery ( ie one day I will have attained complete monk like sageness) is a myth of my own making. In real life I'm allowed to be human. In Grace of that same life, I know the way to home when life knocks me about. Sometimes human beings react. We catch ourselves, forgive ourselves and start again. That's a heap of progress to me than locking away the whole world as protection or pretending everything is ok. Thanks for your perspective, I've missed you around the board too.
Great share Jerry! I've always believed that my family and all it includes can best mess with my serenity as they know where my buttons are installed for pushing....The best gift of recovery is the ability to accept and embrace my imperfect state as a human which gives me the grace to regroup, recover and release the impact of relapses to learn and grow! You got this brother....great plan!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think a couple weeks ago some of us were posting about what it's like being back around our FOO's, and it's no joke!
I'm going to say to you what you've said to me in the past:
Be gentle with yourself. You got thrown into the lion's den and we ALL know that you were being the best Jerry you could be at any given moment. Even if that meant perhaps you might not have lived up to your standards.
God put you into a bunch of Al-Anon sandpaper to help you catch and recognize and polish out your rough spots.
Glad you're back home where you can de-compress, reflect in a safe environment, and decide what changes you'd like to see for yourself - if any!
{{{Gerry}}} I always appreciate your shares because they are filled with amazing ESH and honesty. We all can fall back and do. The good thing is that our alanon training allows us to pull ourselves together again! I can't imagine my life without program now. I work hard at breaking my codependency and trying to fix others. I hope to keep the focus on me and let all the rest go! ODAT, Lyne
There are many here and other places in our program who have learned and can practice not being so serious about ourselves and even I have at times laughed at myself yet I know those were times when HP allowed me grace in the moments that I could and I felt lucky, fortunate that the insanity wasn't so complete and able to sweep me away from sound emotions, spirits and thoughts. How utterly powerful this program of ours is, I feel at the moment while being here with family of recovery.
I just took a morning walk in the cool air and looking at the sun rise above the horizon of the Pacific. I remembered to stop, watch and chant E ala E a metaphor chant about how when the sunlight rises (the understandings) the darknesses (fears, doubts, lack of awareness) are overcome and sink into the earth to be forgotten in time. I find spiritual support and awareness and grace in it. I am soooo ecstatic and happy to be home where my HP is closer to me on a daily basis.
I am going to read and meditate on our program's ESHs inside of our literature and pray our prayers and thank my HP for the family (you all and others) who caught me falling thru the front doors and sat me down with the power of "Sit down and listen, learn and practice, practice, practice...and keep coming back". Gratitude no doubt and the feelings of being blessed...Ho`omaika`i With and in love. Jerry F, Hilo Hawaii. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for your post - with the honesty and introspection that supports growth. I gain so much from your shares...
I relate because I'm currently working with major triggers that I haven't experienced in years. I did this. I own it. It was my choice.... and here I am, my HP offered me a "redo" - a chance to do things differently this time. It's my opportunity to take out my tools and use them and pick up new ones too.
I have found that working the program and the support of MIP family members gives me the tools, skills, and courage to embrace my darker aspects that are like my shadow. My current focus is not to resist it, but to acknowledge it and understand my choices. I remind myself that all I have to do is be willing as my next right step. I now remind myself to pause, pause, pause, pause, pause....there's power in pause before taking action.
Thanks for the share Lyne and the reminder that came with it. The reminder was that I use to be very superficial when it came to working amends and change. I could and would say "I can change it" and then I continued doing the same things over and over again expecting different results which became my definition for "Insanity" and I felt humiliated when caught at it by others. I needed to change what I wasn't doing and make that change a behavior.
The change became apologizing out loud to those I slighted and was disrespectful to when being trite. I was told some times "that okay...no need" and I kept on and still do that behavior because I needed to have and practice the humility as given to me by my sponsor..."Humility is being teachable" he consoled. And right he was and still is. He lives spiritually in my recovery and travels around with my Higher Power. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 22nd of August 2019 07:33:02 PM
I have.not been around.my.biological family for decades. But I found others to take their place. I know without a shred of doubt to be around my own family of origin would create a super relapse for me. Shortly after the last time I saw my family I went into a relapse that lasted years. My health went with it too. The downward spiral was cataclysmic.
Lately in the past few months I am in a space where I am resolute I cannot invite any more chaplos into my life. So I have purged a lot of relationships
Saying goodbye was never my forte but Inhave worked hard in my abandonment issues. Now I can say goodbye.
One realization I had today was I always felt left out of my family of origin. I was the scapegoat the truth teller. To some extent I always have been the truth teller
Now I am glad to be the outsider. I know whatever bonds they have are a mirage
I know what it is to be enmeshed avd what it takes to get out of being enmeshed.
I know all of us stumble. I certainly fall flat on my face regularly
Yet these days I can entertain the kind of truths that I could never have imagined before. Some families are truly toxic. That has nothing to do with me or you.
Surviving that kind of toxicity requires an incredible endurance tenacity and strength but most of all a desire to have peace
There is not one moments peace in my.family of origin
Not one second of it
I am glad you are back home and recuperating
Maresie
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